I wanted to do a summery of where I am these days, and where I've been, but don't really have time right now so I will just stick to the "today" stuff.
Today I am reasonably happy. My W's affair SEEMS to be over but I still have those nagging moments, like this morning when I asked her to have lunch with me since she had to take her care to get maintinence not more than a mile away from my work and she hesitated, hemmed, hawed and still didn't committ. I asked her (bad DBer!!!) if she had "plans" to be somewhere else and she said no. I said "Ok well it just sounded like you did." The way she said she didn't have plans was of the variety that said "No, I am not seeing OM today, I already told you that is over and I do not see him anymore but I will humor your need for reassurance." between the lines. I know that's a lot to read between the lines but I know that tone she uses when she is trying to comminicate something without actually saying the words. She actually used to use a similar tone when she said "I am going out with friends." when she meant to say "I'm going out with OM."
Anyway, my point is that I still have HUGE trust issues but I mainly keep them to myself. Most of the time I am dead wrong about the "bad" things I think she is up to and just going through the day proves that to me. It doesn't help much the next time, but...
Breaking news...I am not handling this very well. W's seatbelt is stuck and she can't get to her appointment and she blamed me saying I did something to her car last night when I drove it. I got defensive and we argued a bit. She is extremely agitated and taking it out on me. I did not get upset but I did tell her I didn't appreciate her blaming me right away for something that may not have been my doing. She canceled her appointment and says she's just going to stay home. She said she's not going to stress over something she has no control over. I told her she DID have control over it, that she could call the repair shop and ask them how to get it un-stuck. At that point, she abruptly said "Let me call you back" and hung up on me. WTH? I know part of why I got defensive is because I already had it in my head that she really didn't want to take her car in for whatever reason and was looking for a way out, then she calls with this. I believe her but like I said, that nagging thing won't go away.
So now she seems not to be talking to me, and part of me understands why, but part of me thinks I didn't deserve to be talked to the way she did and was right to call her on it. I don't know anymore. This is probably the biggest argument/disagreement we have had in awhile. I want to think I am doing better at this but this time I failed.
I just talked to her again and it got worse. She said she got it fixed and so I said "ok, you can still make your appointment" and she said no, she wasn't going to go now. She didn't want to rush down there and then just sit for a couple hours waiting to be seen. I tried to tell her that it wasn't like that at this place (I used to be the one to take her car in since it was right next to my work) and she would still be out of there in no time. The more I said, the more upset she got, even at one point saying "blah, blah, blah like a child." I tried to remain even tempered but in the end, could not stop myself from trying to get her to understand that I was just trying to help. At one point, when she was complaining about having to wait, I reminded her of all the times I waited for her car to be fixed and that she just needed to get it done. Of course, she didn't like being reminded of that and just issues a short, sarcastic "I'm sorry."
I DID validate her frustration but I guess I should have stopped there. All my "help" was unwanted and I should have realized that before I got all defensive and pushed her about still going.
In the end she just said she was in a really bad mood from rushing to get ready and then not being able to go, and that she was in no mood to go now. She basically hung up on me at that point.
I want to call her back but I know that's the wrong thing to do. It would have been what I did in the past but if I do it now, she'll blow up on me again. I will just let her cool down and hopefully get over this.
Of course, the nagging in the back of my mind tells me that it's VERY interesting how she managed to get the thing un-stuck and actually already be out at the corner store by our house when I managed to talk to her last time. Then she gets irate at me for suggesting that she still should go. Again, my paranoid mind thought this was very strange because she almost NEVER gets like this with me. She was VERY angry and even cursing, something she rarely does, at least to me anyway.
Who knows what's REALLY going on. What's REALLY going on could be that she's pissed about the seat belt, pissed at me for trying to "fix" her situation over the phone and probably because she sensed my "suspicion" and was reacting to that as well. OR, she could be trying to see OM at the gym and is pissed that I kept trying to get her to go get her car fixed instead. Oh, the tangled web I weave.
So I guess it's time for some emergency detachment and I think I really need to make sure that A) I don't call her today and B) That if she tries to talk to me, I apologize for getting defensive and then just leave it at that.
BREAKING NEWS AGAIN...
She just called back, much more calm and asked if I canceled or rescheduled the appointment. I said I had and said I hoped she had a better day from now.
If you go with my paranoid theory, this fits to a T because of course she's "good" now since she got out of the appointment and is on her way to OM, or he's on his way to her. Again, more likely is that she's just calmed down and moving on. I don't like this.
The interesting thing is that all the "bad mood" stuff seemed to start when I asked her to go to lunch. It went downhill from there.
I guess I will leave the first post of the new thread at that and maybe get back to the summary later.
