W told me a little more than 1 year ago no longer in love with me etc. For next 6 months Or continued to deteriorate as wife withdrew into cold hostility. I vigorously applied principles of DivorceBusting, etc. She moved out October 1, 2000. Soon after moving out, “went public” with affair with guy I know she talked to several times a day during the period of estrangement. Through the separation and affair, I’ve been able to slowly rebuild the relationship—warmth and friendship, no sex. In November and in January, w made major movements back toward me and it looked like we would reconcile. The most recent movement at end of January we bought new furniture and repainted the house. Each time she pulls back and the affair appears to flame up again. She has told me and a friend of hers a several times that she doesn’t feel there is any future in the affair but still thinks there could be a future with me and has a few times tried to break it off completely with Om. She doesn’t talk to me at all about her feelings and what’s going on in her life, except for during the big moves toward reconciliation when she spontaneously talks about Om, her feelings, etc. So far, I’ve taken the advice from DivorceBusting and not initiated conversations. Last week I asked her if she thought there was any hope for us (since we’ve now been separated 6 months and estranged for 1 year) and she said “I don’t know”—which I believe is her honest to God answer to the question and not an evasion. I asked her how she would feel if I started dating other women and she said it would bother her and make her sad/mad whatever. She refuses to go to counseling with me. For last several weeks, we’ve had relatively little contact, but she seems to be spending lots of time with Om (but I’m not sure of this since I don’t check up or spy).
The question I want your feedback on: I have been considering giving her an ultimatum like stop seeing Om and work on us for 3 months or lets get a divorce, but I haven’t. Sometimes I think her affair is almost like an addiction, but she doesn’t tell me enough to really assess that. Any advice? Ultimatum? More of the same—which is supportive, nurturing, loving? She’s 35 I’m 45, married 8 years (first for both of us) 6 and 4 year old kid. She comes from very dysfunctional childhood and hasn’t dealt with any of those issues. I love her and don’t feel like I must present an ultimatum, but at same time I worry that I am enabling her and letting her drift further and further away.
