My W and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3. We began dating 3 months after her 2 yr old daughter passed from a heart defect, the same year she divorced her first husband for his infidelity. I knew that entering into this relationship would be a challenge but I was ready. Our relationship was intense and we were so happy to be together. She was outgoing, funny, beautiful and still is. I realized she'd lived a full life by the time she was 22, so I did my best to be there for her and show her that she can be happy in life after her tragic year. She opened up about her losses the first 6 mos and soon decided to put it in her past and not deal.
We moved in together 2 years later. The relationship started to show signs of cracking. To me I felt her past was still affecting her, although she didn't want to talk about it. Talking to her about anything more than skin deep was hard. Our sex life began to fade. She would seem genuinely happy then sometimes off. Although her moods started looking like and emotional roller coaster, she made it clear she wanted to get married, and that we could still work on our issues while we were married. I was concerned because I felt that she was given everything and I needed some physical and emotional support too. I loved her enough to take the relationship to the next level.
After I proposed I knew I had to save money for the wedding and our future. I worked more hours, and we went out less. We got married in 2003. I thought things would improve soon after. I became really frutrated because not only were having sex about once every 2 mos but she was still emotionally closed, not to mention I'd maxed out my cc at $20 K by spoiling her, taking her out, etc. We made an agreement to go on one last trip, then start paying off the debt. She paid her half of the rent but didn't help with the cc's. We're both servers working part time so I thought she'd understand we'd have to make sacrifices. After almost 2 years of making payments, we were debt free. I guess she didn't understand what it took to make that kind of debt dissapear so quickly. She was angry that we weren't going out as much and that I had to work alot more. During that time she started going out more, especially on river trips w/o me because I had to work. I began to be suspicious about the cell phone bill and one number in particular. She denied any wrong doing said it was just a family friend we both knew, and he was ugly and a loser anyway. We went to counseling, with no talk about an affair. I thought she would never do it since thats how her last marriage ended.
She was convinced I just wanted to just work all day, not go out and be boring. She couldn't take it anymore and left last november. She called almost daily, sometimes breaking down admitting guilt for leaving and begging me not to give up on us. By december i still suspected some foul play and filed for divorce. She changed her tune and wanted to reconcile (no admission). I agreed but by january i couldnt take it and forced her to admit it... and she did. It's hard enough to survive an affair, but its another thing to survive an affair when her family is very close to the 3rd partys family. We still decided to continue on together.
We were getting along again, even having sex... consistantly. By the end of Feb. she wanted to move back in together. Cautiously I said I wasn't ready and that its gonna take more than a couple good months for me to feel comfortable to do that. She sought out a personal counselor and was diagnosed with depression stemming from years ago. In March our sex life died again. She felt that it was because if I wanted to work this out than we should live like a married couple again and she felt like I was stringing her along. My view is that we should have an honest, open, consistant relationship before we move in together.
The divorce is final June 15. I love her with all my heart, throughout all the pain. I feel since she does need to work on her personal self first that the governments 6 mo. deadline isn't enough time to overturn the divorce.
I am also the type to keep things sacred in a relationship (marriage or course included). I do want this to work out and it has improved, but since this affair this certificate is not sacred to me anymore. Does it make sense or is it wrong for me to want to go through with the paperwork and start over with her in a new me and her only relationship? She thinks I don't love her anymore for me suggesting that and I know it sounds weird. I would just rather start over and ask her to marry me again when things improve individually and as a couple, than to undo the divorce when shes not individually strong, gives up and we go through the pain of filing again. I definitely need some advice about this relationship and this divorce deadline.
If she is working towards the marriage and making baby steps, postpone the deadline. Wait for her and help her through her issues. This woman has a lot of baggage and needs to deal with that first before she can work on the relationship. Losing a child, recovering from a divorce, an affair.....way too much stuff there.
Faith
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I have not posted to you but this caught my attention.
Quote: I am also the type to keep things sacred in a relationship (marriage or course included). I do want this to work out and it has improved, but since this affair this certificate is not sacred to me anymore. Does it make sense or is it wrong for me to want to go through with the paperwork and start over with her in a new me and her only relationship? She thinks I don't love her anymore for me suggesting that and I know it sounds weird. I would just rather start over and ask her to marry me again when things improve individually and as a couple, than to undo the divorce when shes not individually strong, gives up and we go through the pain of filing again. I definitely need some advice about this relationship and this divorce deadline.
It is about forgiveness as God forgives us plus the fact that He forgives us and accepts us back before we are all changed. I feel that it is important to forgive your W, and accept her back home and then work on the relationship with God as the center.
That "closure" thing I never understand. Because she "broke her vow" with infidelity does not void the marriage or that certificate. There are other areas of the marriage promise that get stepped on and "repaired" but why is this area so deadly. It is extremely important, don't take me wrong, it is just you don't throw the whole marriage away because of one broken part. Go to the Maker of the marriage institution for the repairs. But repairing it under different roofs is NOT the way to go.
How do I postpone a deadline in California? How do I get her to see where I'm coming from? How do I go from less of a caretaker role to alot more of a "husband" role? Although she is seeking individual counseling (w/ medication), I do need her to contribute more to the relationship. An impending divorce deadline doesn't help. Should I give in to her ultimatums by wearing our rings again, and moving in together before our relationship is on solid ground? she gave me these ulitimatums 2 wks after reconciliation, 1 week before her confession about a 3rd party.
Our counselor said "true forgiveness means forgetting completely." I strongly disagree. I think its important to acknowledge it for what it is, accept whats happened and include it as part of your relationship story. Forgiveness takes time. Maybe for me I'm on a slow ride to forgiveness because she's finally starting to deal with her issues on her own, not even trying to give me a clue on how to deal with her depression. I am committed to my wife, contract or no contract. But I do want to focus on the relationship first, not the deadline. She wants me to stop the divorce, and just trust her (although shes focused more on herself), or we have to move on separately. I believe I'm strong enough to work on this relationship, but definitely not strong enough to face the nightmare of filing divorce papers again. No relationship or marriage is guaranteed to last forever, but I'd rather be "married" on more solid grounds. I'm not scared of titles, commitment, or relationships but my parents were divorced from adultry, and my wife was divorced before from adultry. Why should I/couples keep moving forward (marriage, babies) while serious current issues still need work?
Strongly agree with you there. The mind never forgets. God never forgets. He (and us by His example) chooses NOT to remember. "Peacemakers" by Ken Sande is an excellent book on resolving differences and forgiveness.
