My W and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3. We began dating 3 months after her 2 yr old daughter passed from a heart defect, the same year she divorced her first husband for his infidelity. I knew that entering into this relationship would be a challenge but I was ready. Our relationship was intense and we were so happy to be together. She was outgoing, funny, beautiful and still is. I realized she'd lived a full life by the time she was 22, so I did my best to be there for her and show her that she can be happy in life after her tragic year. She opened up about her losses the first 6 mos and soon decided to put it in her past and not deal.
We moved in together 2 years later. The relationship started to show signs of cracking. To me I felt her past was still affecting her, although she didn't want to talk about it. Talking to her about anything more than skin deep was hard. Our sex life began to fade. She would seem genuinely happy then sometimes off. Although her moods started looking like and emotional roller coaster, she made it clear she wanted to get married, and that we could still work on our issues while we were married. I was concerned because I felt that she was given everything and I needed some physical and emotional support too. I loved her enough to take the relationship to the next level.
After I proposed I knew I had to save money for the wedding and our future. I worked more hours, and we went out less. We got married in 2003. I thought things would improve soon after. I became really frutrated because not only were having sex about once every 2 mos but she was still emotionally closed, not to mention I'd maxed out my cc at $20 K by spoiling her, taking her out, etc. We made an agreement to go on one last trip, then start paying off the debt. She paid her half of the rent but didn't help with the cc's. We're both servers working part time so I thought she'd understand we'd have to make sacrifices. After almost 2 years of making payments, we were debt free. I guess she didn't understand what it took to make that kind of debt dissapear so quickly. She was angry that we weren't going out as much and that I had to work alot more. During that time she started going out more, especially on river trips w/o me because I had to work. I began to be suspicious about the cell phone bill and one number in particular. She denied any wrong doing said it was just a family friend we both knew, and he was ugly and a loser anyway. We went to counseling, with no talk about an affair. I thought she would never do it since thats how her last marriage ended.
She was convinced I just wanted to just work all day, not go out and be boring. She couldn't take it anymore and left last november. She called almost daily, sometimes breaking down admitting guilt for leaving and begging me not to give up on us. By december i still suspected some foul play and filed for divorce. She changed her tune and wanted to reconcile (no admission). I agreed but by january i couldnt take it and forced her to admit it... and she did. It's hard enough to survive an affair, but its another thing to survive an affair when her family is very close to the 3rd partys family. We still decided to continue on together.
We were getting along again, even having sex... consistantly. By the end of Feb. she wanted to move back in together. Cautiously I said I wasn't ready and that its gonna take more than a couple good months for me to feel comfortable to do that. She sought out a personal counselor and was diagnosed with depression stemming from years ago. In March our sex life died again. She felt that it was because if I wanted to work this out than we should live like a married couple again and she felt like I was stringing her along. My view is that we should have an honest, open, consistant relationship before we move in together.
The divorce is final June 15. I love her with all my heart, throughout all the pain. I feel since she does need to work on her personal self first that the governments 6 mo. deadline isn't enough time to overturn the divorce.
I am also the type to keep things sacred in a relationship (marriage or course included). I do want this to work out and it has improved, but since this affair this certificate is not sacred to me anymore. Does it make sense or is it wrong for me to want to go through with the paperwork and start over with her in a new me and her only relationship? She thinks I don't love her anymore for me suggesting that and I know it sounds weird. I would just rather start over and ask her to marry me again when things improve individually and as a couple, than to undo the divorce when shes not individually strong, gives up and we go through the pain of filing again. I definitely need some advice about this relationship and this divorce deadline.
