[QUOTE]Originally posted by alottolearn:
[B]My H detached from me for 5 years, but led me to believe that was devoted to me. I thought we were in the top 3% of happily married couples.

Alotto - I thought the same - but maybe not top 3%! There was no OW, that I know of - but haven't ruled out 100%. I could not be as strong as you, or others.

"I was his best friend and good for him. He says that he never stopped loving me."

That is the key, or at least one of them, imo.

H and I will have another OR talk...reading what you wrote will help me - since I will be
guiding the talk. So what you said will help.
Your words:


" 1. that we could make it and 2. how we were going to make it."


"My H is the gentlest man I have ever known. He also has an exceptionally high sense of ethics and too high expectations of himself."

Same with my H except he's not the gentlest man - but a compassionate one. Like your H, his childhood contained horrendus stuff - but I thought he overcame it - but now realize, he hid it so well, he fooled not only me but probably himself.

You said your H met a man who impacted his outlook in a positive manner. My dad, was this man to my husband. He passed away and now, his mentors (I believe) are his divorced boss, his brother, his friend, and this other man. The first mentor frightens me - because he is a man, who is nice, who is compassionate, who recently divorced his wife.

"Figuring out how in the world to even partially trust this person with my heart, and most of all how to reset my reality gauge has seemed impossible at times."

I go back and forth with this too - but have grown to accept being non-judgmental. To let things go. But still, there is that heavy feeling.

"I have no ability to live in the same house with the man I've always loved with all my heart if he is lying to me. It is more about the lying than even having any kind of affair."

Wow - About the lying - that is the killer for me. Again, no A that I know of. He did not lie - but he did not open to the truth and hid from me his hollowed feelings, for who knows how long. My world said we were fine - my world said he and I had come a long way, but his world saw emptiness. Is that not a lie? To still make love to your spouse, to live as a team, yet, feel such nothingness - while all along I thought I was the love of his life?

"I believe that my H always loved me but did not know how to communicate his needs."

Ditto here.

"I learned how to do this at Retrovaille."

That sounds like such an excellent program. I wonder if H would go...I am not sure I am ready.

"1. Attitude: patience, endurance, patience, listening skills, patience, honesty, developing skills at supporting my H when he tells me negative feelings, lots more patience, realizing my faults, tons of patience for that one, learning how not to be controlling ouch, more endurance and did I mention patience? Could I go on? Forever."

LOL! Patience - hum, could that be an important thing?!


"4. A few good psychotherapists for myself and as a couple."

I think I need around 20. Actually, I'm studying as if I were in school - and taking the lead, unlike ever before (but doing it with a little more patience these days).

******************

Allotolearn - Thank you for your post - and of all days for me to read this...it could not have come at a better time. My therapist says "it's time" for me to initiate OR - she sees how I cannot go on much longer - and my story isn't half as bad as many on this board. It's not the story - it's being patient. It's dealing with anxiety and fear and that blown away feeling of having the rug pulled from under you. It's about defeating self doubt and self defeating thoughts. It's about who wants it the most - who will win.
It feels like a competition of sorts and I hate to compete, unless it's with myself. It's about not knowing if this alien I'm married to is afraid to love me or just flat out does not love me, as a wife should be loved. Although there are children, at times like this, it's so self absorbing it's about our selves. And working from us on out. So regardless of children or not - we all are at the same starting point. (Did I make sense?!)

Last night - a turning point. But that turning point won't carry me for too long. This man has to open up a crack or I will withdraw too.

Thanks for your post - very enlightening.

-WG