ALTL,

when I first read your thred, I recognized the similarity in how you and I see things, but now I am amazed at how far it goes...

While your page was downloading, I was thinking about starting some kind of a topic like you suggested... Well, the only reason I am still reluctant to it -- when I tell any good news here or to a friend, it immediately turns into its opposite. So, I am becoming very superstitious...

The other thing you suggest -- telling him anout loving him at a distance and not being available when he needs amotional support -- this is what my mind has been set on for the last year or longer. However, my "scenario" is final (unless a miracle happens) -- telling him all the good things I have anside and then saying that I just can't bear it any longer, that I will still be his friend and will be availbale for a talk or glass of wine -- but only after I can emotionally detach from him enough to become indifferent. Of course, if he would still need me after that. And this would take time and distance, months or years -- I don't know. Four years did not do any good in changing my attitude -- maybe becasue I had hope and never told myself to quit.

But this scenario is rather a last resort.

What you say -- how to let him know that I am there but unavailable -- is very difficult for... technical reasons. See, I already decided to do this two weeks ago -- and he never gave me a chance to try it, as he doesn't call or write. With his intuition... I am nearly sure that that he senses (ESP ) and "decides" -- "well, if she doesn't want to be available, why disturb her at all"? Believe it or not, more and more I get convinced how those "ESP" things work, at least, for us -- when I forget all my Makiavelli's strategies and simply get filled with love, he appears... So, here is my koan: if you close and think about not letting him have you at his disposal, he stays away; if I open up -- it's something nice and then -- again in limbo.

...Worst of all, when it happens, I only remeber that he wanted to be alone and that of all what it was, only "responsibility and gratitude" were left (said four years ago).

About positive things -- I have been keeping a "technical" e-diary for the last year, writing every day who did what (if anything) and if there was something "special", and I can see the crescendo of good things. But then -- oooops! -- last time we really talked was nearly two months ago, and I know he is not happy, when he calls, he sounds tired and seeking attention... andthen disappears without making any plans.

Oh, Gosh... It really looks to me like we both are stuck in time, doing excatly the same things, making exactly the same mistakes, only at a different level, as we did several years ago, when each one was afraid of rejection and kep his fears and desires to himself... And you know -- if I were him, I would certainly wait for me to make the first move: after you push a person away so hard, after so much harm done, one has to be very bold to feel good saying "OK, I changed my mind, I am sorry, you may return now". And after really being pushed away so hard, I am waiting for him to say something like that... Go figure...