I am thinking all the time about saying it all. I have it in writing (25 pages) also because that's right -- I know that HOW I say it matters, and I am not sure I can refrain from tears (this is my weak spot). But perhaps, all I need to say is "I miss you. I can be without you, but I don't want to. And I do want us to build a new world, and I can show you how".
Kent, I am thinking about your idea to propose quite often. And I don't want to be "free" -- deep inside I feel that we are just playing too long some kind of a stupid game, where the main rule is "H is stubborn". Freedom can mean that I failed just when he was about to wake up (that's how it happened before when I did not udnerstand that the process was already going inside him)
ALTL,
Retrouvaille -- definitely no. He is agains this kind of stuff because he is VERY intelligent, and he not only reads and studies anything that interests him (and MLC and relationships belong to those topics), but he also thinks a lot and in most of thos subjects he studies he can be a better teacher. He is very intuitive and very well understand human personality, including his own and mine. So, if he senses that he is not about to learn anything new and that he is wasting his time going through something he know, it won't work. He is also shy, he has no time, blah-blah, and above all -- he never said he wants to work on our marrige.
Well, I jus tlied -- he was saying this four years ago, even told me that I bagan to change rapidly and he is watching me, for he doesn't want to be with me old but with me new -- yes. But alas! -- a year later, after he got his space, he said that we never were really married, that he never wanted to be a husband and never made one. I said, though "maybe, you will want in the future...", and he said "maybe" -- but what do those words mean three years later?
However, he never attempted D, and when I was insiting on that, told me "be sure that you're doing what you really want" -- and I did not do anything.
He Is depressed. Always had been. Knows that and will never admit that. Thinks that if he seeks help, he willl use artificial help instead of his own resources. But even if he does anything about it, he does is infrequently and slowly.
[This message has been edited by ILM (edited 03-25-2001).]
