Thank you for sharing your story, thak you for givng us hope.
What you describem especialy about the prsonality of your H and your attitude, and what had happened, is os, much similar to my situation. My H has all the high qualities you described, and he has a srogn sense of guilt about what he did and, perhaps, about what he is doing, and I suspect, about what he will do (what he won't be able to not to do ) in the future. He sees as one of his most serious sins is feeling useless and hopeless, about everything and always. He has changed, though -- but only to some extent.
He never knew what a family should be (abusive parents, wrong first marriage), and his motto is "I want to be alone" which he has -- but doesn't seem to be very happy with it.Work, work, and work -- that's all he knows. And his work is very creative, so he really gets involved with it. The rest doesn't exist. But I think that he is simply afraid to try things if he can fail, so being scared of failure in marrige, he never tried to really build it and after what he did, I suspect, he feels too fuilty (and even more scared of failure) to begin again.
I have been doing what you desribe her (attitude, shrink, anti-depresants, books) and even more -- giving him time and space and working seriously on myself, inside and outside. Went to seminars, learned psychology, meditated, grew up, became independent.
My question to you: what was that that brought you together after all?
Our situation: after eparating for 18 months completely (only e-mails and phone calls), we began seing each other, but only in a year it came to a point where we really want to see each other and become more and more warm with each other. But the pattern has established which I don't know how to break: he calls and says he wants to spend time with me -- I agree -- we go out for dinner -- he is silent -- he calls and says that we should do something good together on a weekend -- I agree -- the weekend comes, he never calls -- I don't call either -- he calls and says he would like to see me... and so on.
If I don't call -- he doesn't. If I am "mysterious" -- he never asks questions. If I invite him -- he say "maybe" and most of the tiem it doesnt happen. If he invites me and I refuse -- he backs off. If he feels lonely and needs to talk he says it so that I immediately run to the rescue.
I feel we are stuck, and every other day I am tempted to finish it all. But I do love him and I know that I don't want anyone else instead. If I make a sharp move, like LRT, I can ruin all the good that had been achieved so far, after 3.5 years. If I do nothing -- it looks like it will last like this forever.
