My H detached from me for 5 years, but led me to believe that was devoted to me. I thought we were in the top 3% of happily married couples. I was going through a difficult time for several important reasons when he started detaching. We are in recovery for 21 months. The emotional and physical affair lasted 4 ½ years. We had been married almost 7 years, lived together a year, and dated 1 ½ years before that. There were many heart wrenching details to the affair, many of which I discovered on my own. My H thinks it would have gone on indefinitely until some kind of outside force intervened. This was largely because he didn't know how to get out of it--he says he only thought he loved her for about 2 years (though he misled her about his feelings as well) then it was more like a rut or an undesired smoking habit. Well, an outside force did intervene. He was fired from his job and had to move far away. He says that the physical affair ended 2 months before he left.

That job had a slow agonizing death. We both think that it was probably how I was able to support him through that mess (even though it meant leaving the lights of my life, my granddaughter and daughter) and her deficiency in that area that led him to realize that I was his best friend and good for him. He says that he never stopped loving me. We were going to travel back often so I think it possible that the physical affair would have resumed but been infrequent.

The every-chance-they-had exchange of sexually charged love letters only ended because I found out the 1st week he was on the new job. I was still living in the old city getting ready to move. I must say though that for every letter she wrote him he has ended up writing a volume to me. (I read all of her letters--IMHO, I write much better love letters ). He didn't save his letters to her, I'm sure they would break my heart all over again if she ever did something like send them to me. I worry sometimes that he probably sounded just as sincere and heartfelt with her. I wish she would send them to me because I do best with facing the worst and finding a way to get over it. Honestly though, I'm sure that after a little while longer that wish will be irrelevant. ....but I digress....

Anyway, the poignancy of parts of his letters to me felt like the vibration that a loud bass guitar gives your chest. There were tough letters but they were honest and there were also exquisite letters.

My H committed to our marriage, to the fullest extent that he understood at the time, with our first conversation. He was relieved to at least have the secrecy part over. Also at that first conversation I now know I realized, with the benefit of the hindsight provided by every step of this journey, that I saw for a fraction of a second 1. that we could make it and 2. how we were going to make it. Extending that brief glimpse into being most of the time has been rough. One of the big reasons why recovery is so hard is because you worry it might be phony.

I am very happy to say that, particularly with the help of Retrovaille, we both understand much better what being committed means. We have truly rediscovered each other and guess what? We are deeply in love--the real thing with all the extras. We both wish with all our hearts that we could have gotten here a different and better way, but our marriage is better than we knew marriage could be. Do we still have tough days? Ooooh Yes. But they are fewer.

Let me tell you a little more about us. First my H. My H is the gentlest man I have ever known. He also has an exceptionally high sense of ethics and too high expectations of himself. He was severely emotionally and physically abused by an all controlling dad and my dear H was under his thumb until he met the man that has been his most important professional mentor. This man was like an angel for my H. Without even being very personal in how he did it, this man was the ideal emotional father figure for my H AND nurtured his professional skills and growth. He has continued to actively support my H along with all his other graduates over the years in his same wonderful way. So my H was very late bloomer.

The hard part about our tragedy for him has been that he failed himself. He has been as hurt personally by it all as much as I have. He needs to be constantly reminded that he has become a much better person in spite of all this. And he really is a wonderful person.

Now me. I was a late bloomer too in many ways, hoo-boy is that a long story. A quick way to understand me is my Myers Briggs personality test type. I'm an INFJ. One of the main qualities of this personality type is that we are excellent at figuring people out. I tend though to see the best and to be confused by the worst in people.

Their have been several very difficult parts of this tragedy for me. They stem from having been so completely wrong in my perception of reality. Figuring out how in the world to even partially trust this person with my heart, and most of all how to reset my reality gauge has seemed impossible at times. If you'd really like to see how hard it's been look at my history of posts. I really have come a long way.

For me it has been like barely surviving having all of my body burned. I feel frankly like every part of me has been badly disfigured but I'm alive, I'm loved, I am going to make a full recovery and function normally, and I am most of all, profoundly grateful. Dramatic but it is the truth.

This may incur disapproval here, but in our particular case, I'm glad I didn't find this and other web sites before that first conversation. I have no ability to live in the same house with the man I've always loved with all my heart if he is lying to me. It is more about the lying than even having any kind of affair. (I've written here before that took me 17 years of single life and soulful looking to find him.) Perhaps it is because I'm rare or weak or maybe it's just because we don't have children together. I wouldn't jump to divorcing him, but we'd have to live apart. Perhaps if I suspected something it would be different. Maybe if I were younger... However at 46, at the time, and after 7 years of marriage, 5 of which were false, it was the correct path for me to go straight for asking for a no contact letter. I was clear, direct, kind, loving, calm (for that conversation, unfortunately calm is not always my MO ), and most of all absolutely certain (I'm overqualified for the job of single person, not my first choice, painful, but OK). He wrote the letter the next day. He gave an excuse that she was out of town for the next week. I said "So what?" I wanted to move on with our lives and that was step one--it had nothing to do with her.

I believe that my H always loved me but did not know how to communicate his needs. Being a very independent, stubborn, and, OK I'll say it, a rather self-righteous person myself complicated matters . It is so interesting because my H deeply admired my hard won sense of self-worth so this very trait (that needed a bit of modification ) actually helped to save us too. All this stubbornness, shall we say impeded my listening ability. It is so important to learn to listen extremely well. I learned how to do this at Retrovaille.

I'm delighted to add that, though these months have been the most difficult of my life, there have also been some very precious moments both personally and as a couple. Thinking about my "self-esteem" reminds me of when I played a tape of Maya Angelo reading Phenomenal Woman at top volume, over the phone to my H. In all the fury that covers my insecurities, I really do love myself in a good way. (I highly recommend the taped version of this wonderful poem for all women and the men that love them.) I could write a book about this pain but I could also write one about the wonder and joy of this journey too!!! Finally, I'm starting to get to the point of wanting to write the latter book.

So...can a long term affair be survived??? ABSOLUTELY. Might is be the tougher than you could ever imagine??? As the old 8 ball would say, YOU CAN COUNT ON IT. Can it be worth all that effort??? YOU BET. What has worked for me and us?

1. Attitude: patience, endurance, patience, listening skills, patience, honesty, developing skills at supporting my H when he tells me negative feelings, lots more patience, realizing my faults, tons of patience for that one, learning how not to be controlling ouch, more endurance and did I mention patience? Could I go on? Forever.

2. Retrovaille. Going through the whole thing with my whole heart, no matter how my H handled it. Had we gone early on, I'm certain our journey would have been shorter and less painful. We'd still be burn victims but for us this was the ultimate Shock Trauma unit. Why do I have such a high opinion of this route? Because it is completely private and between the couple alone. You get tools and extemely general guidelines but you do all the work with the best part of yourselves so it is exactly suited to you as a couple. Are they giving me a kick-back ? No. But we did make a donation to them so they could offer it to other people for free.

3. Antidepressant medication. Know I won't need it for the long term but I need it now.

4. A few good psychotherapists for myself and as a couple.
(For numbers 2-4 I would rather eat peanut butter every night than do without them.)

5. Several books. To be honest, Private Lies by Frank Pittman helped me the most, especailly in the early days. Reading about forgiveness helped too.

6. Many of Michele's ideas, especially focusing on self development and "changing the pattern" (still learning about these).

7. Sites like this.

Would love to hear how others are recovering and what's working.


[This message has been edited by alottolearn (edited 04-02-2001).]