Well, its hard to say where I am right now, but at least I am still alive. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your concern. As a scientist, I don't really know how I feel about spiritual energy flowing across time and space, but I do feel something when I think about you folks. Call it a little bit of extra strength or whatever.
I have had a rough time of it past few days, but there have been a few epiphanies. Let's just say I have spent almost every moment alone crying and in deep depression. I have managed to do the work I need to do, and do it well if I do say so myself, but I had planned a lot of extra work to get done in the alone times and none of it has happened. So one of the worst things is that I am going to have a boatload of work that HAS to get done, and not a lot of motivation to do it. But I will find my motivation, I always have. When my qualifying exams for my PhD were coming up, and my girlfriend of 3 years was at home and had basically ignored me for the one quick visit I could manage (that girlfriend is now my W), I just about gave it all up. But I stuck with it and managed to get the highest score on the exams (for a non-Chinese student anyway). I need to find that reserve of strength again.
So where am I now? Well, I sent the email to the W, saying things I probably should have said in person, but I sometimes you just have to get things off your chest or they will burn you up. Some highlights of what I said to her ...
"I know you have a lot of stress on you right now preparing for the wedding. I know you will do great, but I also know what a perfectionist you are. I have always admired that about you."
"I know I am asking a lot, but I am asking a lot of myself too in return. I am not just looking for you to change yourself into some fundamentally different person, I am wanting us to change ourselves so that our relationship will be better. So that it will be something strong, something that will last, will make us both happy, will be a source of comfort in hard times, and something we can look back on in our old age together that will make us proud and content."
"It is easy to stay in a comfort zone thinking that all is well and we can just coast off into the sunset. But people do change, and many times when that happens the other person will have a hard time adapting. But if our relationship is to survive, we will both have to work hard to figure out what it is we need to do for both of us to be happy. It is hard work, it can be painful work, it can require us to do things that we didn't feel we were capable of, or make us EXTREMELY uncomfortable. But if we love each other, truly love each other, we will make it."
"The fact of the matter is, I am unhappy. I am happier than I was a year ago, even a few months ago, but I am still unhappy. I wish I didn't have to say this, but it is only fair to you to let you know this. Every moment I am with you feels like some challenging test, that if I fail I will be denied basic affection, a feeling of being loved, and even simple communication. I can't continue this way, something must change. This "walking on eggshells" every day puts me in a lot of stress and doesn't allow me to show you my true self, the person who really does love you very deeply and passionately. Maybe you feel the same way. Maybe you feel as if I am constantly testing and judging you too, or worse that I am finding you lacking."
"But I also want SOOOO deeply for you to want to do that without me asking. That you love me, care for me, think about me enough that when I am in your field of vision you want to touch me in some way. I feel energized by your touch, your kiss, your caress. Just a little of that each morning gives me incredible strength to stay on task and do the things I need to do that day. And on those rare occasions that you did it without asking, I felt like I was on top of the world. Maybe that sounds childish to you, but that is who I am. When you choose to touch me, I feel connected to you, I feel like we DO have a marital relationship, I feel like you love me. Conversely, when you choose not to touch me, I feel like your roomate, like all you need me for is as a paycheck and a dishwasher, like YOU DON'T LOVE ME. It doesn't matter that I know intellectually that you do love me, that is the way I feel. I could make a list a mile long of the ways that I KNOW you love me, of the things you have done for me, and that would be just from the last year. But my heart works in a certain way."
"If you praise me, or show me that you admire me in some way, I feel like I am on top of the world. And why not? I admire the fool out of you. You are a VERY keen intellectual person, not prone to exaggeration or "white lies." If you think something is great, it is great. When you think I am great, I feel great, no matter what anyone else thinks. Conversely, if I don't get that from you, I am uncertain. I begin to depend on others for their good opinion. I start doing things I should not do to gain that appreciation like not be as strict as I need to be with my students. And like talk to a woman in a way that I shouldn't have."
"I want to spend more time with you, ALONE with you. I know it is hard, we have so much responsibility on us right now. This kids need us so much. But the fact of the matter is we CANNOT be good parents if we are not good lovers. By lovers I don't mean sex maniacs. I mean people that truly love each other in every way. That look for opportunities to be together to have a chance to express that love and receive it. That enjoy each others company both in sharing the good times and the bad. That know that no matter what comes, there will be someone who will understand and help. That although there will be times of misunderstanding, love will always triumph. I want to be there. I need to be there. I want you to come with me, because I love you. I want to spend nights with you just talking about how we feel, about the hurts we have, and the successes we enjoy. I want to see things with you, to revel in the adventures of life. Come with me."
"I am not going to sugar coat this anymore. I expect a lot out of you. I have my faults, but I am a worthwhile person, and deserve to be treated as such. I expect a lot out of myself too. I will treat you as the wonderful person you are. If I am not, tell me, and I will do what is necessary to change. I want the same consideration from you too. We will slip up, we will make mistakes, it happens. But with good, OPEN, FEARLESS communication, we will make it right. I have fears, you have fears. We are both shy. We both like to avoid conflict. We both like to walk away rather than face what needs to be faced. But we are going to have to face it, sooner or later. In waiting as long as we have to face it we have just made it more difficult. Let's not wait any longer."
I'm going to start a new message to discuss her responses and the ephiphanies that I have had last night and the night before.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I sent that email last Thursday. I talked with my W a bit over the weekend on the phone. We decided that coming home wasn't a good idea because she will be busy and I would have been just sitting there fuming at not being able to spend the time we need to spend together. So I stayed at the workshop site and got a little work done, both for the workshop and on myself. She told me over the phone that she replied, but I wasn't able to get to the internet until today. Her response was short as it was late at night when she replied, plus she made the direct statement that she would rather talk about these things. But her response did give me a few insights. Some of the more important quotes (in my mind) ...
"To be blunt, I will admit that I feel stressed out in general when I'm around you. That's a lot of the reason why, if I need to unwind in the evening, I feel like I need to do it alone."
This makes sense to me. I am a very passionate person, I'm sure I would tax anyone who would be my partner. Maybe it is just because of the situation we are in right now, and that if things were better I would be so uptight all the time. But that is just the way it is going to have to be. I am tired of hiding from her just so she doesn't get sad or frightened or whatever. Maybe ultimately she will decide that she can't handle me and decide to just leave with the kids and half my paycheck. So be it. But I will not be unhappy like this anymore.
"I don't really understand why you feel like I'm constantly testing you. I haven't really asked anything specific of you other than to be patient with me. I don't have some secret criteria that you have to meet in order to receive affection. It still takes conscious effort on my part to be touchy-feely, and when I wake up tired and grouchy, sometimes I have a hard time even being civil. I've told you before that I think lots of things that I know I shouldn't say because I don't really mean them and I'll regret them later. That's often what's going on when I'm particularly withdrawn."
I think this statement just solidifies what I already knew. We are going to need some help if we are going to fix this. Yes, she has a hard time of it. But you know there are lots of people who have hard times of it and don't resort to shutting out their spouse. The fact remains that she knows I am unhappy and she knows for the most part why. Yet she chooses to do little about it. Yes, she has made progress, but it is a progress that still leaves me feeling VERY uncertain about whether the ultimate result will be success. I have bent over backwards to accomodate her needs. I took a job near her family. I spent considerable physical an emotional energy with having kids, and agreed to have a third even though I had my doubts because I thought it would make her happy. And truthfully, it has made her happy. But to sound trite, when is it my turn? When do I get her consideration? How long must I wait before we start to have even the minimal things that a marriage needs to be successful and happy? I am finished with the hoop jumping. Its nut-cutting time. If she loves me, truly loves me, why is she choosing not to take the steps necessary to make things better. The time for excuses is over.
Does this mean I do not empathize or sympathize with her? Not at all. I understand excuses, and conflict avoidance, and low self-esteem, and being unsure about what to do, and hoping something will just go away. So I am not expecting overnight miracles. But I am expecting a HUGE change in that we will both be committed to taking the right steps. She can either choose to do so, or choose to leave, that is where I am at right now.
"As for the "walking on eggshells" thing, if it makes you feel better, you can consider this to be official written permission to just come straight out and say what you think needs to be said (just nothing too critical in front of the kids - I don't want them stressed out and confused). I am a big girl and I can take it. I can't promise that I won't get upset, but I am not going to get hysterical or anything like that."
I'll believe it when I see it, but I'm glad she said this. I just hope she knows how seriously I am taking it. I'm not going to say anything hateful, but I am not going to hold back with my feelings anymore. There may be times when I am like the Phoenix in the X3 movie burning everything in sight, but if she can't handle it, then she needs to let me know.
On another note, I did spend some time talking with a good friend of mine (my mentor, another prof at the university where I teach) about the situation and let's just say he had a very harsh take on the possibilities. It does scare me a bit, but maybe that is what I need to set the boundaries that must be in place. He feels that my W will try to manipulate me into a 4th child (which is how many she has always stated that she wants) and then retreat into her extended family and just use me for money and chores. She will have no need to be intimate or affectionate with me, as she will not need me for anything. If I decide I can't take it anymore, then the law in the state I am in will be on her side if I leave, and she will get pretty much all she wants in terms of alimony and child support, as well as complete control over the kids. That being said, he told me if that is the way it goes, then that is the way it goes. I just need to realize that I won't be able to have the finer things in life, just be happy with what I have and move on and find relationships that will make me happy. Although it will hurt to be separated from the kids, eventually they will grow up and I will have the chance to establish a proper relationship with them. Although life wouldn't be peachy, it would be better than living it out as a shell of a man, emaciated by the person with whom I should find peace. As you can see, he takes a very harsh view, but it is one that I have to consider as a possibility.
That being said, I DON'T think that will happen. But if I don't start setting hard boundaries and demanding civility, respect, friendship, shown love, affection, and intimacy from my W, I will never really know how good my future could be. I'll admit, I was afraid to demand those things in the past, because of a fear that she would leave, or at least retreat so far away that I would never get those things. But I am getting so little right now that it makes no difference. It is like the fellow that is afraid of asking the girl out because she might say no. But if he never asks, the answer is no anyway.
I do want you to know that I am not planning on being an ogre to my W all of the sudden. I am not going to be figuratively standing over her with a stick ready to beat her for her mistakes. We can work this out TOGETHER.
I am planning on setting VERY hard boundaries about the house/in-law thing when I get back. Under no circumstances will her mother have any say on what happens in our family. She can choose to be a part of it, but family decisions stay within the family. I am not going to insist on "us versus them", but us always comes first. I am also going to insist on some sort of marital counseling soon. Maybe WWME or Retroaiville (sp?) or an MC or even start with her posting on a MB. She needs to start talking about these issues. I think we she finally gets out of the confined world she is in, she will begin to see more clearly how bad a path we are on. Plus if she learns to start opening up more, I will know better what she wants ... something I desperately want to know.
Now if only I can kick this depression that hovers in the background, threatening to make me cry in front of my peers. I guess maybe I can empathize more with Heather's H and the truck (please don't take that the wrong way Heather if you read this). Just being at this site brings back so many feelings. This is where I woke up, where I began my journey to find myself. There are happy memories, but there are also TERRIBLE longings, for a person I can't/shouldn't/won't have. Sometimes I can hear ghostly footsteps echoing on the gravel that serves as walkways between the cabins, or see her in my mind with that uneasy smile she had for me because she was just as unsure as me as to how this thing we embarked on was going to go, or hear her soft tears as she began to realize as I did that something wrong was happening, but she felt as powerless as I to stop it. These thoughts are poison in my mind, but they are there. It does me no good to ignore them. I just need to let the poison run its course, then heal and move on. Hopefully to a better life.
Chrome (with a fair bit of Glob thrown in for good measure)
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hi Chrome, Glad to see you back and with Glob a little more under control. You had us pretty worried there I still think you should go with GEL's suggestion and go see a Dr ASAP you don't want old Glob getting the upper hand on you again.
It's good that you and W have been exchanging e-mails - take her words that she is a big girl and can handle it seriously she really can and it is better to spit it right out then let stuff fester inside you as you have been discovering.
I think it is the case that you and she handle things differently. It seems to me that she needs to zone out a bit when she is stressed whereas you need to connect and get reassurance from someone. So when stress hits both of you (like having kids together) it is hard for those two styles to mesh. You find her style adds to your stress by withholding what you need, and she finds your style does the same for her by noisily interfering with her need to calm herself.
Just thought I would throw that thought in, make of it what you will.
Those cyber-vibes do work you know, why you had me crying if you remember on your first or second post to me so it's no wonder all the good vibes everyone here has been sending you have had a positive effect on you.
take care and don't let the past haunt you too much.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I'll second that... You did have us pretty spooked! I know you are an intelligent person and wouldn't do anything stupid.. but at the same time, I know that depression can really mess with rational thinking. And that had me scared for your sake. It's a strange thing about these message boards.. we know so much about each other, yet know nothing. I was thinking to myself.. "How WOULD we know if something happened?" It's difficult to search the internet for information about someone who lives in a small town, in the south, in an unknown state, who is a professor, who is enormously tall . Just too vague.
But.. thank goodness you are ok, and seeing clearly about your situation. I found your letter very interesting.. I could have written it, to my own wife... word for word. Almost made me wonder if I copied it and sent it, how similar our responses would be.
Hang in there.. stay strong! there is a alot of work ahead, but hopefully, WHATEVER HAPPENS, you will find yourself in a happier place that gives you the rewards you deserve!
Hi Chrome... Good to see that your painful depressive episode had led to some clarity. I was so moved from your post because I imagine that these were some of my H's feelings when my kids were small...which of course were not expressed to me. We, too, avoided dealing with the lack of intimacy for waaay too long...it does not get better if you don't confront it. I admire your efforts to get your marriage to a healthier place and I am glad that the immediate crisis is over.
I'm glad you were honest and forthright with your W. Sometimes we fixers sugarcoat things too much.
As for your friend's awfulizing, be careful where you let that go in your head. Yes - it is possible that his scenario will occur. However, YOU do have some control over whether or not you have a fourth child. You are in a much better place to prevent the whole dismal picture than you were a year ago.
By all means get some MC or whatever but take care of yourself first. You need to get back more strength to fight for this M.
RE chrom Under no circumstances will her mother have any say on what happens in our family. She can choose to be a part of it, but family decisions stay within the family...... and agreed to have a third even though I had my doubts because I thought it would make her happy. And truthfully, it has made her happy.
It sounds like your W's mental picture of what a new marriage family include too many images of her childhood and is not breaking away from some of her childhood pictures she constructed in her mind while she was the only one/single. They need to be updated and have input from two people, you and her, not her and her old influences. It is difficult for some people to do.
I know I had some struggles learning to do our own things and not let some of those old parental expectations/family norms I believed in for so many years, go by the wayside, and develop new behaviors and standards BB and I agreed on and were able to implemented.
and with Glob a little more under control. You had us pretty worried there 
I still think you should go with GEL's suggestion and go see a Dr ASAP you don't want old Glob getting the upper hand on you again.