I sent that email last Thursday. I talked with my W a bit over the weekend on the phone. We decided that coming home wasn't a good idea because she will be busy and I would have been just sitting there fuming at not being able to spend the time we need to spend together. So I stayed at the workshop site and got a little work done, both for the workshop and on myself. She told me over the phone that she replied, but I wasn't able to get to the internet until today. Her response was short as it was late at night when she replied, plus she made the direct statement that she would rather talk about these things. But her response did give me a few insights. Some of the more important quotes (in my mind) ...
"To be blunt, I will admit that I feel stressed out in general when I'm around you. That's a lot of the reason why, if I need to unwind in the evening, I feel like I need to do it alone."
This makes sense to me. I am a very passionate person, I'm sure I would tax anyone who would be my partner. Maybe it is just because of the situation we are in right now, and that if things were better I would be so uptight all the time. But that is just the way it is going to have to be. I am tired of hiding from her just so she doesn't get sad or frightened or whatever. Maybe ultimately she will decide that she can't handle me and decide to just leave with the kids and half my paycheck. So be it. But I will not be unhappy like this anymore.
"I don't really understand why you feel like I'm constantly testing you. I haven't really asked anything specific of you other than to be patient with me. I don't have some secret criteria that you have to meet in order to receive affection. It still takes conscious effort on my part to be touchy-feely, and when I wake up tired and grouchy, sometimes I have a hard time even being civil. I've told you before that I think lots of things that I know I shouldn't say because I don't really mean them and I'll regret them later. That's often what's going on when I'm particularly withdrawn."
I think this statement just solidifies what I already knew. We are going to need some help if we are going to fix this. Yes, she has a hard time of it. But you know there are lots of people who have hard times of it and don't resort to shutting out their spouse. The fact remains that she knows I am unhappy and she knows for the most part why. Yet she chooses to do little about it. Yes, she has made progress, but it is a progress that still leaves me feeling VERY uncertain about whether the ultimate result will be success. I have bent over backwards to accomodate her needs. I took a job near her family. I spent considerable physical an emotional energy with having kids, and agreed to have a third even though I had my doubts because I thought it would make her happy. And truthfully, it has made her happy. But to sound trite, when is it my turn? When do I get her consideration? How long must I wait before we start to have even the minimal things that a marriage needs to be successful and happy? I am finished with the hoop jumping. Its nut-cutting time. If she loves me, truly loves me, why is she choosing not to take the steps necessary to make things better. The time for excuses is over.
Does this mean I do not empathize or sympathize with her? Not at all. I understand excuses, and conflict avoidance, and low self-esteem, and being unsure about what to do, and hoping something will just go away. So I am not expecting overnight miracles. But I am expecting a HUGE change in that we will both be committed to taking the right steps. She can either choose to do so, or choose to leave, that is where I am at right now.
"As for the "walking on eggshells" thing, if it makes you feel better, you can consider this to be official written permission to just come straight out and say what you think needs to be said (just nothing too critical in front of the kids - I don't want them stressed out and confused). I am a big girl and I can take it. I can't promise that I won't get upset, but I am not going to get hysterical or anything like that."
I'll believe it when I see it, but I'm glad she said this. I just hope she knows how seriously I am taking it. I'm not going to say anything hateful, but I am not going to hold back with my feelings anymore. There may be times when I am like the Phoenix in the X3 movie burning everything in sight, but if she can't handle it, then she needs to let me know.
On another note, I did spend some time talking with a good friend of mine (my mentor, another prof at the university where I teach) about the situation and let's just say he had a very harsh take on the possibilities. It does scare me a bit, but maybe that is what I need to set the boundaries that must be in place. He feels that my W will try to manipulate me into a 4th child (which is how many she has always stated that she wants) and then retreat into her extended family and just use me for money and chores. She will have no need to be intimate or affectionate with me, as she will not need me for anything. If I decide I can't take it anymore, then the law in the state I am in will be on her side if I leave, and she will get pretty much all she wants in terms of alimony and child support, as well as complete control over the kids. That being said, he told me if that is the way it goes, then that is the way it goes. I just need to realize that I won't be able to have the finer things in life, just be happy with what I have and move on and find relationships that will make me happy. Although it will hurt to be separated from the kids, eventually they will grow up and I will have the chance to establish a proper relationship with them. Although life wouldn't be peachy, it would be better than living it out as a shell of a man, emaciated by the person with whom I should find peace. As you can see, he takes a very harsh view, but it is one that I have to consider as a possibility.
That being said, I DON'T think that will happen. But if I don't start setting hard boundaries and demanding civility, respect, friendship, shown love, affection, and intimacy from my W, I will never really know how good my future could be. I'll admit, I was afraid to demand those things in the past, because of a fear that she would leave, or at least retreat so far away that I would never get those things. But I am getting so little right now that it makes no difference. It is like the fellow that is afraid of asking the girl out because she might say no. But if he never asks, the answer is no anyway.
I do want you to know that I am not planning on being an ogre to my W all of the sudden. I am not going to be figuratively standing over her with a stick ready to beat her for her mistakes. We can work this out TOGETHER.
I am planning on setting VERY hard boundaries about the house/in-law thing when I get back. Under no circumstances will her mother have any say on what happens in our family. She can choose to be a part of it, but family decisions stay within the family. I am not going to insist on "us versus them", but us always comes first. I am also going to insist on some sort of marital counseling soon. Maybe WWME or Retroaiville (sp?) or an MC or even start with her posting on a MB. She needs to start talking about these issues. I think we she finally gets out of the confined world she is in, she will begin to see more clearly how bad a path we are on. Plus if she learns to start opening up more, I will know better what she wants ... something I desperately want to know.
Now if only I can kick this depression that hovers in the background, threatening to make me cry in front of my peers. I guess maybe I can empathize more with Heather's H and the truck (please don't take that the wrong way Heather if you read this). Just being at this site brings back so many feelings. This is where I woke up, where I began my journey to find myself. There are happy memories, but there are also TERRIBLE longings, for a person I can't/shouldn't/won't have. Sometimes I can hear ghostly footsteps echoing on the gravel that serves as walkways between the cabins, or see her in my mind with that uneasy smile she had for me because she was just as unsure as me as to how this thing we embarked on was going to go, or hear her soft tears as she began to realize as I did that something wrong was happening, but she felt as powerless as I to stop it. These thoughts are poison in my mind, but they are there. It does me no good to ignore them. I just need to let the poison run its course, then heal and move on. Hopefully to a better life.
Chrome (with a fair bit of Glob thrown in for good measure)
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
