Well, its hard to say where I am right now, but at least I am still alive. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your concern. As a scientist, I don't really know how I feel about spiritual energy flowing across time and space, but I do feel something when I think about you folks. Call it a little bit of extra strength or whatever.
I have had a rough time of it past few days, but there have been a few epiphanies. Let's just say I have spent almost every moment alone crying and in deep depression. I have managed to do the work I need to do, and do it well if I do say so myself, but I had planned a lot of extra work to get done in the alone times and none of it has happened. So one of the worst things is that I am going to have a boatload of work that HAS to get done, and not a lot of motivation to do it. But I will find my motivation, I always have. When my qualifying exams for my PhD were coming up, and my girlfriend of 3 years was at home and had basically ignored me for the one quick visit I could manage (that girlfriend is now my W), I just about gave it all up. But I stuck with it and managed to get the highest score on the exams (for a non-Chinese student anyway). I need to find that reserve of strength again.
So where am I now? Well, I sent the email to the W, saying things I probably should have said in person, but I sometimes you just have to get things off your chest or they will burn you up. Some highlights of what I said to her ...
"I know you have a lot of stress on you right now preparing for the wedding. I know you will do great, but I also know what a perfectionist you are. I have always admired that about you."
"I know I am asking a lot, but I am asking a lot of myself too in return. I am not just looking for you to change yourself into some fundamentally different person, I am wanting us to change ourselves so that our relationship will be better. So that it will be something strong, something that will last, will make us both happy, will be a source of comfort in hard times, and something we can look back on in our old age together that will make us proud and content."
"It is easy to stay in a comfort zone thinking that all is well and we can just coast off into the sunset. But people do change, and many times when that happens the other person will have a hard time adapting. But if our relationship is to survive, we will both have to work hard to figure out what it is we need to do for both of us to be happy. It is hard work, it can be painful work, it can require us to do things that we didn't feel we were capable of, or make us EXTREMELY uncomfortable. But if we love each other, truly love each other, we will make it."
"The fact of the matter is, I am unhappy. I am happier than I was a year ago, even a few months ago, but I am still unhappy. I wish I didn't have to say this, but it is only fair to you to let you know this. Every moment I am with you feels like some challenging test, that if I fail I will be denied basic affection, a feeling of being loved, and even simple communication. I can't continue this way, something must change. This "walking on eggshells" every day puts me in a lot of stress and doesn't allow me to show you my true self, the person who really does love you very deeply and passionately. Maybe you feel the same way. Maybe you feel as if I am constantly testing and judging you too, or worse that I am finding you lacking."
"But I also want SOOOO deeply for you to want to do that without me asking. That you love me, care for me, think about me enough that when I am in your field of vision you want to touch me in some way. I feel energized by your touch, your kiss, your caress. Just a little of that each morning gives me incredible strength to stay on task and do the things I need to do that day. And on those rare occasions that you did it without asking, I felt like I was on top of the world. Maybe that sounds childish to you, but that is who I am. When you choose to touch me, I feel connected to you, I feel like we DO have a marital relationship, I feel like you love me. Conversely, when you choose not to touch me, I feel like your roomate, like all you need me for is as a paycheck and a dishwasher, like YOU DON'T LOVE ME. It doesn't matter that I know intellectually that you do love me, that is the way I feel. I could make a list a mile long of the ways that I KNOW you love me, of the things you have done for me, and that would be just from the last year. But my heart works in a certain way."
"If you praise me, or show me that you admire me in some way, I feel like I am on top of the world. And why not? I admire the fool out of you. You are a VERY keen intellectual person, not prone to exaggeration or "white lies." If you think something is great, it is great. When you think I am great, I feel great, no matter what anyone else thinks. Conversely, if I don't get that from you, I am uncertain. I begin to depend on others for their good opinion. I start doing things I should not do to gain that appreciation like not be as strict as I need to be with my students. And like talk to a woman in a way that I shouldn't have."
"I want to spend more time with you, ALONE with you. I know it is hard, we have so much responsibility on us right now. This kids need us so much. But the fact of the matter is we CANNOT be good parents if we are not good lovers. By lovers I don't mean sex maniacs. I mean people that truly love each other in every way. That look for opportunities to be together to have a chance to express that love and receive it. That enjoy each others company both in sharing the good times and the bad. That know that no matter what comes, there will be someone who will understand and help. That although there will be times of misunderstanding, love will always triumph. I want to be there. I need to be there. I want you to come with me, because I love you. I want to spend nights with you just talking about how we feel, about the hurts we have, and the successes we enjoy. I want to see things with you, to revel in the adventures of life. Come with me."
"I am not going to sugar coat this anymore. I expect a lot out of you. I have my faults, but I am a worthwhile person, and deserve to be treated as such. I expect a lot out of myself too. I will treat you as the wonderful person you are. If I am not, tell me, and I will do what is necessary to change. I want the same consideration from you too. We will slip up, we will make mistakes, it happens. But with good, OPEN, FEARLESS communication, we will make it right. I have fears, you have fears. We are both shy. We both like to avoid conflict. We both like to walk away rather than face what needs to be faced. But we are going to have to face it, sooner or later. In waiting as long as we have to face it we have just made it more difficult. Let's not wait any longer."
I'm going to start a new message to discuss her responses and the ephiphanies that I have had last night and the night before.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
