I'm not sure what time it is there, so don't know if I've missed your couple of hours window. Hang in there Chrome. The down place is a tough place to be - if you know any meditative or mind-clearing techniques at all then this would be a good time to use them. Try Lil's come to your senses stuff where you just feel how your body feels and listen to background sounds it does help take away some of the power of those horrible thoughts that have taken over your mind right now.
Chrome you are NOT a bad person. The guilt you feel is your FOO stuff coming back to bite you in the ass. I'm sure you can remember some of the stuff the self-esteem coach has taught you - make use of it now even if it feels hopeless and false. Just do it anyway this is when you most need it - when it feels like it won't work.
Believe it or not the pain is good pain Chrome, it is helping you heal. I hit a very very bad patch myself almost a year ago so I know what you're going through. It is like scrubbing out a wound so it won't get infected and that's why you are feeling it now, it's exactly because you have been working so hard on all this that you are feeling so down about it now. If you had spent the last year shutting it all out, being self-righteous and just bitching about your W you probably wouldn't be feeling much pain now. But I've got a feeling the more excruciating it is the closer you are getting to finding the true shiny Chromosphere.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
