Quote: I have to be strong enough to be her man. Maybe it will create a lot of pain and tears, but that is already there for me. I want to spare her that pain, but in doing so I have just made it worse. Now she may have to feel the brunt of 10 years of hiding myself from her. I just hope she realizes that I do love her, that I do want to stay with her forever.
Chrome, you being yourself cannot damage or hurt your wife. You seem to feel that when you expose yourself you somehow cause her pain. Being strong does not mean you hide yourself. Those voices seem to be telling you that your very existence causes pain to your wife and children. I know that you know intellectually that that cannot possibly be true, but I also know that the FEELING is beyond the reach of logic and reason...
I would suggest that when you have these thoughts... you say something to yourself like, "There are those glob-like thoughts again... that's really interesting. I wonder why those thoughts are showing up at this particular moment?" Approach this as an inquisitive and compassionate scientist, which is what you are.
When you start to have the glob-like thoughts, I want you to approach the situation as though you had come upon (God forbid!) one of your children-- I'm talking about a toddler here-- playing with a loaded gun. If that happened, how would you react?
You would grab the gun, unload it, and lock it away. Siimultaneously, you would grab up the child in your arms, hug and kiss him/her, and say... what would you say?
You wouldn't slap him and say "you stupid worthless piece of sh!t," would you? Or you wouldn't say, "you disgusting loser, how dumb can you be," would you?
No... you'd hold him and hug him and just make him feel as safe and secure as you could, and you would promise him that you would always keep him from danger to the best of your ability.
This is the approach I want you to take with yourself when glob takes over. Glob is not evil. He is not the devil. He is hurting, sad, tired of struggling. But glob is not the Whole of you. Nor is Chrome. You are a vast human being with universes inside of you. Don't let glob into the driver's seat, but don't get into the pit with him either. Just take the loaded weapon out of his hands and promise him that you will keep him from harm to the best of your ability.
Use these strategies, chrome... don't fall prey to bad thinking habits.
Your W is walking her own path, and you may or may not be able to change that. But you don't have to walk on that path with her. Her judgments of you come from her own "glob," her own self-loathing.
I had a bracelet made for my husband that had these words engraved on it: "I am fully alive, and this hurts no one." Make that your mantra. You know it's true. Your being does NO ONE any damage.
