Thanks again for all your posts. I really appreciate caring thoughts that you all express to me. I think one of the reasons I am in such a funk is that I really don't have anyone to talk to while at this workshop, no one to vent to, and to slap me hard to wake me up. You guys have kept me sane more than once.
Things have gotten significantly worse. I have very little will to try anything. I have had semi-suicidal thoughts a couple of times, but I wasn't really close to doing anything. I feel like all my hard work with my self-esteem has been for naught. All I can focus on is guilt for the mistakes that I have made, both last summer and over the couse of this past year. I see so clearly what I should do, but I just can't do it. I keep doing the same things over and over again. Instead of confidence, I am hesitant. Instead of manly, I am a doormat. I have no hard boundaries. Even in conversations that I have had with some of the workshop participants, I can see how I haven't been a particularly good father either. I should be in a better place in my M now, but I am weak. I have let so many things slide about myself. I don't know where to go.
This may be a bad time, but I a pouring out my heart to my W. You guys have been right all along. I can't hide how I feel. I can't continue to walk on eggshells. I have to be strong enough to be her man. Maybe it will create a lot of pain and tears, but that is already there for me. I want to spare her that pain, but in doing so I have just made it worse. Now she may have to feel the brunt of 10 years of hiding myself from her. I just hope she realizes that I do love her, that I do want to stay with her forever.
Well, I could go on, but this is enough for now.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
