Chrome, I know of the place you are in. My wife has NEVER EVER called me while I was away on business. She doesn't send me emails other than stuff forwarded from others, she doesn't leave me love notes either. She also isn't into a last fling before I go and is "too tired" for any kind of loving when I get back. It is just the way it is, and doesn't seem to be anything I can do to change it. It makes me sad when I see other couples sharing closeness, including in the movies. Somehow I missed the day when they went over picking a wife I'd be happy with. Days like today I wish I could hit the reset button and start all over but with the knowledge I have now. There is no reset button though, and between the kids, my vows in front of God and my promise to her, this is my life. It is my responsibility to make the best of it and accept what I have.
I wish I had some advice to give you; I don't really. All I have to offer right now is a sympathetic ear.
How are things Chrome? I'm really hoping you are out of your funk and having too much fun at your workshops to post. Let us know when you get a chance. Can't speak for everyone, but I really do care. Let's hear from you sooooooon!!!
Thanks again for all your posts. I really appreciate caring thoughts that you all express to me. I think one of the reasons I am in such a funk is that I really don't have anyone to talk to while at this workshop, no one to vent to, and to slap me hard to wake me up. You guys have kept me sane more than once.
Things have gotten significantly worse. I have very little will to try anything. I have had semi-suicidal thoughts a couple of times, but I wasn't really close to doing anything. I feel like all my hard work with my self-esteem has been for naught. All I can focus on is guilt for the mistakes that I have made, both last summer and over the couse of this past year. I see so clearly what I should do, but I just can't do it. I keep doing the same things over and over again. Instead of confidence, I am hesitant. Instead of manly, I am a doormat. I have no hard boundaries. Even in conversations that I have had with some of the workshop participants, I can see how I haven't been a particularly good father either. I should be in a better place in my M now, but I am weak. I have let so many things slide about myself. I don't know where to go.
This may be a bad time, but I a pouring out my heart to my W. You guys have been right all along. I can't hide how I feel. I can't continue to walk on eggshells. I have to be strong enough to be her man. Maybe it will create a lot of pain and tears, but that is already there for me. I want to spare her that pain, but in doing so I have just made it worse. Now she may have to feel the brunt of 10 years of hiding myself from her. I just hope she realizes that I do love her, that I do want to stay with her forever.
Well, I could go on, but this is enough for now.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I just thought I'd add that I will be on for the next couple of hours, but then probably won't be back in contact for a few days again (no internet at the workshop site).
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hey Chrome, hang in there buddy. This too will pass. Sorry you are feeling way down, you shouldn't as you really have improved yourself over the past year (I know, it is sometimes hard to see much from the bottom of the pit).
Why not step a little outside the box and give that lovely wife of yours a sexy call just to let her know that you miss her (and tell her exactly how, that you can't wait to cuddle her again, can't wait for her kiss etc). Might help you to feel better.
I worry too at times that I am not a good father, husband etc. Think though how much better of a father you are by being there than if you weren't. Your kids need you, and to them you are the best father in the world, even on your worst days. That's what is important, right?
Quote: I have to be strong enough to be her man. Maybe it will create a lot of pain and tears, but that is already there for me. I want to spare her that pain, but in doing so I have just made it worse. Now she may have to feel the brunt of 10 years of hiding myself from her. I just hope she realizes that I do love her, that I do want to stay with her forever.
Chrome, you being yourself cannot damage or hurt your wife. You seem to feel that when you expose yourself you somehow cause her pain. Being strong does not mean you hide yourself. Those voices seem to be telling you that your very existence causes pain to your wife and children. I know that you know intellectually that that cannot possibly be true, but I also know that the FEELING is beyond the reach of logic and reason...
I would suggest that when you have these thoughts... you say something to yourself like, "There are those glob-like thoughts again... that's really interesting. I wonder why those thoughts are showing up at this particular moment?" Approach this as an inquisitive and compassionate scientist, which is what you are.
When you start to have the glob-like thoughts, I want you to approach the situation as though you had come upon (God forbid!) one of your children-- I'm talking about a toddler here-- playing with a loaded gun. If that happened, how would you react?
You would grab the gun, unload it, and lock it away. Siimultaneously, you would grab up the child in your arms, hug and kiss him/her, and say... what would you say?
You wouldn't slap him and say "you stupid worthless piece of sh!t," would you? Or you wouldn't say, "you disgusting loser, how dumb can you be," would you?
No... you'd hold him and hug him and just make him feel as safe and secure as you could, and you would promise him that you would always keep him from danger to the best of your ability.
This is the approach I want you to take with yourself when glob takes over. Glob is not evil. He is not the devil. He is hurting, sad, tired of struggling. But glob is not the Whole of you. Nor is Chrome. You are a vast human being with universes inside of you. Don't let glob into the driver's seat, but don't get into the pit with him either. Just take the loaded weapon out of his hands and promise him that you will keep him from harm to the best of your ability.
Use these strategies, chrome... don't fall prey to bad thinking habits.
Your W is walking her own path, and you may or may not be able to change that. But you don't have to walk on that path with her. Her judgments of you come from her own "glob," her own self-loathing.
I had a bracelet made for my husband that had these words engraved on it: "I am fully alive, and this hurts no one." Make that your mantra. You know it's true. Your being does NO ONE any damage.
Glad to hear from you but sad to still know you are struggling mightily. I've said before, guilt is going to be your enemy. But don't be ashamed about your feelings. My H admitted to having some semi-suicidal feelings at his lowest too. And I'm sure he struggles with his leaving, just as you do with the EA and such. But desperate times often call for desperate measures. Lots of people need to hit rock bottom before seeing changes. And if your W is the person that you need her to be, she will understand in the long-run and work with you to heal your M. I hope that is the case for you. But you are on the right path. I think you do need to tell her exactly how you are feeling. Brutal honesty. Tell her what you need and want. Start setting those boundaries. You will both benefit in the long run.
Yup, I agree with LFL. Let her know what you are feeling...all of it. They are your feelings, and they just are feelings. It is how you act on them that matters, not the feelings themselves. By sharing them with her, you take a crucial step of opening yourself up to her. It can be hard to do, but it is important toward establishing the intimacy you are looking for.
I'm not sure what time it is there, so don't know if I've missed your couple of hours window. Hang in there Chrome. The down place is a tough place to be - if you know any meditative or mind-clearing techniques at all then this would be a good time to use them. Try Lil's come to your senses stuff where you just feel how your body feels and listen to background sounds it does help take away some of the power of those horrible thoughts that have taken over your mind right now.
Chrome you are NOT a bad person. The guilt you feel is your FOO stuff coming back to bite you in the ass. I'm sure you can remember some of the stuff the self-esteem coach has taught you - make use of it now even if it feels hopeless and false. Just do it anyway this is when you most need it - when it feels like it won't work.
Believe it or not the pain is good pain Chrome, it is helping you heal. I hit a very very bad patch myself almost a year ago so I know what you're going through. It is like scrubbing out a wound so it won't get infected and that's why you are feeling it now, it's exactly because you have been working so hard on all this that you are feeling so down about it now. If you had spent the last year shutting it all out, being self-righteous and just bitching about your W you probably wouldn't be feeling much pain now. But I've got a feeling the more excruciating it is the closer you are getting to finding the true shiny Chromosphere.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
