Thank you all for your responses. I am just so mired right now, I can't see a way out. I feel like my entire world is crashing around me. A simple thing. One of the participants in the workshop was checking email today and I just happened to notice an email from her H calling her a pet name (hi tater type thing). I am now stuck in this loop because I thought "my W would never send me an email with a pet name." She never calls when I am away, sends emails, etc. You already know about the coming home from vacation thing, and that is just adding to it. Its probably hard for your to imagine how something so simple can reduce a grown man to tears in front of a bunch of his peers. Of course embarrassment is now fueling my further descent into this maelstrom.
I just don't know if I can do this anymore. My light is dark, my future seems hopeless. How can I be a father, husband, teacher? Why should I even be alive? I want to just run far away. How do I stop this pain short of just ending it?
Sorry you have to hear this, but I need to let it out. If I don't I will just further embarrass myself.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chrome, your future is far from hopeless. As a matter of fact you have three tiny little bundles of hope anxiously waiting for your return. You have seen the attraction from other women. Even if for some reason you choose not to work it out with W you KNOW you will not end up alone. My sister said something to me when I started having trouble with the W. She said, "You know, you are a much better catch at 42 then you ever were at 22". She is right. I'm sure the same is true of you. Your growth as "Chrome" shows a wonderful person who can be full of confidence (well earned, it seems to me), is attractive, sensitive, and all that other stuff that women seem to go for (hey the horse analogy ain't gonna work against you either ).
So, time to look for the good things. Stop listening to depressing music. Start listening to Madness or something equally inane and fun. You have 3 wonderful little children who need a strong father to look up to. You have a wife who loves you even if she is speaking a far different language than you at the moment. You have the respect of your peers in a highly intellectually challenging field. You CAN change your outlook and all it takes is for you to make up your mind to do it.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
chrom "my W would never send me an email with a pet name." She never calls when I am away, sends emails, etc.
Tell her she has to starting when you go on this trip.
I just don't know if I can do this anymore. You have to keep doing it. First for your self, then for your W and then for the kids. They all need you even they may not show they do.
Nothing left in the old bag to keep you going? Then how did you get this far? Ask W for some energy, some reasons for keeping on keeping on. It is one step, one hour at a time if it has to be. Don't worry about next week/month. Live in the now.
What changed physically in the past couple of months. Not much I suppose. You kept going then. You can now.
Make a deal with your W, you say you will call the first couple of times, she has to call a couple of times.
I get the same thing from BB, I do all of the calling too. I am still working on the R.
If you have the time and privacy, your forum friends will reply here to anything you post. So at leat, your cyber friends communicate with you.
"my W would never send me an email with a pet name." She never calls when I am away, sends emails, etc. You already know about the coming home from vacation thing,
?????????????????? Are you saying for three weeks she would not call or email you?! I'm sorry Chrome. Why should I even be alive? I want to just run far away. How do I stop this pain short of just ending it?
This is extreme talk Chrome. You are worrying me. I guess I have to ask, does this attitude have to do with the OW being there? Is SHE the one who received the H email?
Chrome man, don't be down, from here the only way is up. Just cos this guy calls his W tater means nothing. How do you know they don't fight like cat and dog when she's home? H and I are much nicer to each other on the phone than IRL - you have no clue what really goes on in their R.
Hold on to yourself Chrome you are a tough guy and you can hang in there. I know you are hurting but you can and you will get through this. I have a theory that all pain is ego pain - Lil's identity system - it's not the real you that's hurting. The part that is hurting is the identity system that you have put between the real you and the world. In a funny kind of way you are acting like a little kid saying "hey, no fair, they get to have pet names!". You have your R, your R is going to work out Chrome, it's tough now but it will work out because you and W are committed and you are both intelligent, sensitive, caring people who can make it happen. You are in a kind battle-field right now and it is tough going. Keep posting big guy - we're looking out for you.
Have a cyber-hug from across the pond {({({({({({({(wee chromy)})})})})})})})})}
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
okay...another emotional trigger ( the email) leading to a downward spiral of negative thoughts...do you see the pattern? You are letting your thoughts run away from you. Try to find some steady ground...come here and post all you want. Take things hour to hour til you get through the worst. You will make it through...remember the triggers are everywhere, when you least expect it. I am sorry you are in so much pain...you can turn it around...and you do have so much going for you...we are rooting for you!
I'm so sorry I sent you such a tough post previously. You are obviously not in a space where tough love will be beneficial. If I could I would send you out one of my squad of HD "wet nurses" AKA "The Sisters of Mercy Sex" but perhaps that would be counterproductive as well as imaginary.
I remember when I was in the phase you are probably going through- I would feel like crying everytime I saw any sign of romance in a movie or any mention of SSM issues on a TV show. For instance, I had to turn the channel instantly when even just a commercial for "Everybody Loves Raymond" would come on. Trust me- things will get better and worse and just plain different and these things won't effect you in the same way forever. Besides, what Hap said about nicknames is really true. My H calls me "Bunny"!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am sorry you are hurting. Chrom I think it is time to sit down and have a long talk with your wife and only speak brutal honesty about the way she makes you feel.
I can't believe a wife wouldn't call at all when you are away on trips. Perhaps she could still be angry if you hadf an affair? I noticed someone mentioned about a OW at work.
). 
Perhaps she could still be angry if you hadf an affair?