D@mn, the depression is hitting me really hard. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Guilt over what I have done. Guilt over feelings I still have. Too many triggers. What is making it worse is the obvious signs of attraction I am seeing in all the women around me here Blackfoot you taught me too well how to read that stuff. The fact that I don't see it in the one woman I REALLY want to see it in just hurts me all the way to my core. I know I am partially responsible for it not being there. When I am with her, my fire of hesitation burns bright. The fear of rejection due to years of rejection makes me hesitate, or not act congruently with my feelings, and that adds fuel to the fire. I must climb this mountain.
With other women I guess I don't have this running dialogue in my head anymore (do they like me or do they think I am lame/boring/ugly) and so I just act myself. But even without any intentional attempt at attraction, I see it develop. Its hard to describe, maybe just this overall "softening" in every manner of their being when they get near me, or talk to me, or listen to me. I don't know, maybe an unconscious attempt to project femininity? Ugh, it is too easy for it to be so hard at home.
I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife. I will stand with her for all time no matter what. I will be strong, I will be confident, no matter her response to me. I will be the best man I can be, for myself, for her, for my children.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
