Background About 3 weeks ago, I discovered my wife of 4 years was having an affair. She'd found a (male) friend online and their relationship grew when they discovered that they shared much of the same interests, and perhaps more importantly that they shared much of the same pain in their pasts. It quickly turned into an emotional affair, and then (again quickly) into an online sex affair. I had been jealous of their relationship for quite some time, but (perhaps stupidly) never suspected they were having an affair - not enough to look into it, at least. For some reason that now escapes me, I decided to do some checking 3 weeks ago, and made the discovery very quickly. After talking to my best friend about what was going on, I decided to confront her that same night. I first told her that no matter what, I still loved her and that I wanted our marriage to work, then told her I knew about the affair. During our 4 hour talk that night, she asked what I wanted. I told her I wanted two things - for us to go to marriage counseling, and for her to cut off all communication with the OM immediately. Earlier in the conversation, I had asked her if she wanted to work on the marriage, but her answer was unclear - I don't think she knows what she wants. When I told her the two things I wanted, she said yes to counseling, and no to cutting off communication immediately (and gave no indication that she'd try). We haven't discussed things too much since then, mostly because she was involved in college finals. But, from my continued observations, she's continued to carry on the affair and continued to discuss their future relationship. It sickens me to no end. Due to how I know all this, and the fact that she doesn't now how I found out, I haven't let on all the things I know - which might be more than what is healthy at this point.
I've determined the online affair started about 9 or 10 months ago. The relationship had been purely online until earlier this year. He came to town a couple of times, for various reasons, with my full knowledge (but, me thinking they were just friends), and it's very likely they had sex during one or more of those times. I say to myself that this doesn't matter any more than the online sex, and I still want to work through things, but it does bug me just that little bit more. Now, she has taken a trip with our two 2 yr old girls to visit her parents in her home town for 9 days. She has been very open about her relationship with the OM - except about the affair, of course. So, I know that during this time, she planned to meet up with him at least one of those days, although I wasn't aware of the logistics. It turns out that he's going to stay in the same hotel that she and the girls are staying at - he'll be there the last 3 nights that she's there. I now know that they also met up this past weekend, to what extent I'm not sure, except that she went so far as to give him a key to her room (again, the room she's sharing with our girls).
Need Advice The advice I'm seeking is whether or not I say anything to her about knowing he's staying in the same hotel. Again, the fact they planned on having sex does indeed bug me a bit, but I know this may go on for quite a while before we're able to work through things, so I have to look past it. What really bugs me is that she'll either be having sex with him in front of our girls, or she'll be leaving our girls in her hotel room while having sex in his room. I'm afraid to say anything for a couple of reasons - she may wonder why I'm still willing to work through things when knowing so much (and think less of me because of it, hurting our chances), and my resource for ongoing knowledge about what's going on may go away (see below on the latter).
Some More Misc Background Since I had known about them meeting up on this trip, during our first talk, I told her it can't happen. She said "no" to that, too, at the time. In subsequent talks, she's said that she has to meet with him face-to-face to tell him certain things - insinuating that she is going to tell him they have to stop or pause while she and I try to work on our marriage. She also has said that they agreed to not talk for 3 months after this trip. I want to believe both of these things, but have absolutely no evidence as to the latter. So, I assume she is lying to me - I won't know until next week, when it becomes clear whether or not they are still communicating.
When we were having dinner with a lot of family members last week, she got drunk and was having a good time - we were laughing and were very close that night - and she told me "we'll work through this". I don't know if it was just the alcohol talking - I so want to believe, and she'd been very careful to not give me false hope until that point.
I'm now seeing a personal therapist, but have only had one visit. My next visit is the day before the OM checks into the hotel. I don't know that she's going to be any help in answering my question above. I've told my W that I think we should wait to see a marriage counselor, because I need to figure some things out first - she knows I'm seeing a personal therapist. While this is true, I also don't want her sabotaging the counseling session, inadvertently or on purpose, and using it as an excuse to say "see, we tried, and it's not working". But, I think that the only way she's going to open up to me is with a third party moderating discussion (something she's effectively said).
I've become very obsessed with knowing all I can about their ongoing affair. I feel that if I didn't know so much, or spent so much time in discovery, it would probably have helped me approach her for further talking. But, even then, I'm afraid of saying or doing anything that hurts our chances. The therapist has suggested I stop my discovery process, for basically these exact reasons, and I've read the same in other threads here. I'm going to try my best to stop - as many of you know, it's damn hard.
Thanks for any help or advice,
RC
(P.S. I will, no doubt, have more to post about the A in general.)
