OK Mike,it's time for an update. How are you doing after a week back at home? Keep practicing your DBing techniques as you need them more than ever,now.Just think of all the wonderful progress you've made so far...keep up the good work! Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 09-06-2001).]
HEY JENNY, it's good to know your keeping track. Well, the first week has been kinda cool. We both have been very focused on getting in sync with school starting and all. We had our first dispute this morning. I think it began last night, I could feel something was brewing. She did everything in her power to get me to say "what's wrong dear" and at the same time not talking. The only thing i could think of was you and Kent telling me about a previous situation DO NOT DRAG HER OUT OF HER CAVE! So i prayed and left it. IT materialized this morning. Yesterday she finally brought back the infamous computer through which her indiscretions were confirmed. I set it up and everything was beautiful. This morning i wake up and the machine was sitting near the front door. I asked why and she said that she was remembering the tramatic event of me finding that information and it made her feel violated that i found and read it. So she decided to take the computer back and switch it. I said that i liked that machine because i personally installed the special modem and there were some files that i couldn't import. I told her but if you want to take it back it is within your right (she's a computer tech). I think the feelings I'm having are about the way this went down. I would have preferred that you talk to me first tell me your feelings and this would probably have gone much smoother, and then I left it alone. She at first seemed to be angry, but i understood that was from her being alone with her committee, if you know what i mean. I continued to prepare for the day and as she left for work she said bye and so did I. About 5 mins after she left she called back and said she left the computer and i could plug it back up. Then she spoke about trust issues and i basically told her that i am not snooping around looking for reasons to be sad. I am trying to live happily and i hoped she was too, if somethings going on that shouldn't be it will come to light. I told her that i happen to know that my wife is a virtuous woman and that we all make mistakes. That i loved her very much and did not want to be the thorn in her side but the bone in her back, told her that i had to go and get the kids ready for school and to have a good day. she said thanks, you too, bye- and she sounded much better. This message is on the machine in question. I feel we got through this one woulda you think?
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 09-07-2001).]
Mike...you could become a psychologist,with your DBing skills. You did a wonderful job of preventing the "incident" from "blowing up" into a majotr problem. I am especially impressed with the way you refused to enable her "pouting",by not reinforcing this behavior.Hopefully,she will give up on that tactic. The fact that you left the decision up to her was wise and is exactly why you got what YOU really wanted as a result.
You are a doing a great job and "pat yourself on the back". Remember,she will test limits often and will try to provoke you as in her heart she believes she is unworthy of your forgiveness. She will become more comfortable and secure as time goes by. Thanks for the update...I'm pulling for you!
Hey gang, Just having some feelings and needed to share. Sundays are usually tough days with the back to work/school anxiety and all. However, yesterday went rather smoothly. I keep getting these feelings that the W is holding back and wants to do another flip flop. Maybe I've just been traumatized by that happening so many times before. I would also like to be a little more intimate but i know better than to start that because it will let our friend purser-distancer out the bag. Come to think of it maybe that whats going on. Maybe she trying to get me to pursue because she definitly is at most times a little distant. Then without notice she will show signs of actually being happy. Strange stuff huh? I would appreciate some feed back.
Mike, What you're experiencing is pretty normal. I know that I have thoughts that "it could happen again" and this is after being reconciled for about 18months. When you've experienced a traumatic event,there is bound to be residual feelings. Certain things they do or say can trigger memories/feelings. Please understand that these insecurities of your's will pop up frequently and don't act on them.This is probably why you feel a lack of confidence and want more reassurance/intimacy with your wife. She has radar,so don't appear "needy" or "pushy". You're an expert on these things and you know what works and doesn't with her. Go back to DBIng strategies and use what has been successful. She is having her "ups&downs",too.
Keep your PMA going and have patience with her...Jenny
HI JENNY, your right, that little voice inside of me says just be patience, be positive, continue to make deposits in that love bank and she will come around. I have promised myself that I will buy her fresh flowers for the bed room every week. Yesterday was the beginning of week 2 i bought her some iris, they were beautiful. I feel that i have an edge because of all the time spent studying relationships. I know what to do, but my committee makes an apperance from time to time an wants to gum up the works. good to hear from you
Well, this is the beginning of week 3, there was some distancing going on with my W,and i was so aware. I did not pursue, she tried to stir things up a couple of times i didn't go there with her, she was basically a crabby apple. we had a kinda of heated discussion concerning finances. She worked herself into a lather as I listened. I thought she would be in a funky mood when i got home that evening, surprise, she was calm, cool and collected. She was very pleasent and has been that way since. right now things are great she seems to be relaxing some and i am focusing on staying center. She has even givin me a few pecks on the cheek and i love you's. Wonder what's going on, any ideas.
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 09-17-2001).]
Mike, No real magic here. It makes perfect sense to me. You're not getting hooked into having an argument, she's able to air her feelings without it escalating into something nasty, she sees you're more in control of yourself- you're doing something different- and so is she! Keep it up! Michele
HEY EVERYONE, Just checking in. Things are going pretty good. We seem to be getting along very well. She seems to be in a good mood most of the time and really reminds me of the person I fell in love with 6 years ago. We are spending time together whenever we have a few minutes. We talk like the friends we have been for years. She even hands out a few hugs and kisses on the lips or cheek evry now and again. I buy her fresh flowers every week and want to be romantic but don't want to push it. We are both working on being assertive, talking about and addressing things that bother us or have our concern. The only issue i have right now is that I want to make love. If you remember she has often said when i mention it she feels pressured. I don't want to pressure her and I don't want burst either. I am really trying to practice patience because she seems to be loosening up. It's almost like I have forgot how to woo and coo her, I am so aware of these communication dynamics, namely Pursuit and distancing in addition to not wanting my feelings hurt. should i ask or shouldn't i.
HEY GANG, I was just reading over my posts since i have been in this forum and i became a little overwhelmed. You guys have helped me so much, stuck by me when i was flat out crazy with grief and pain. Soothed me when I hurt and got my a** straight when it was needed. I just want to say thanks to you all. Jenny, Kent, Jamesjohn, rayanne most recently and the countless others that have come to share and understand the theraputic value of one in this kind of situation helping another. This DB things really works because it is attached to a proven God given process. Michele, thank you too, I don't think there is one of us who has not screamed out to you for help and you seem to know just when not to answer . Today my marriage seems great we are getting along, we share some real nice moments and I am paying attention and "checking my cheese" so to speak. thank you
