Everyone hold your applause, My wife called last night and we were having a very normal conversation, kinda like a how's your day thing. she mentioned that she starts school tomorrow, I asked had she made arrangement for the kids, she said that she hadn't and then I said we can call my oldest daughter so she could be available to watch them. Then out the blue she said that she did not want us to move back together, she does not know what to do, she needs to hear from me concerning what she had just said. she talked about rationalizing and justifying her decision concerning the move and that she did'nt want to be the bad guy later on down the line if it did'nt work out. I told her that I understand her feelings and that this was scary stuff. I also told her that i'm not going to try to talk you out of it and that I had to go and would talk to her later. After thinking about the conversation more I heard a lot of fear, i was confused as to whether she was actually asking for some support because she kept saying i don't know what to do, and I need to hear from you. so since i had told her i would call her back i did, the conversation was very civil, once again she talked about her fears and the what if's. I am not angry, I am not even very sad, I am just disappointed, she has told the kids that i'm coming back and my youngest daughter is counting the days. I asked her had she told the kids about her change of heart and she said no. I have a feeling that this may have been that case of cold feet Jenny mentioned in her most recent post. I also have a feeling that she might change her mind again. I have some thinking to do. My dad says I should bail. This move has made me very skeptical. If I do move in will it last? Is she really willing to give this a shot? I did share that she would probably benefit from attending counseling regularly like once a week to help her work through these recurring issues. She says 18 out 20 things in our marriage are good she loves me but she's not in love with me. So just to be clear I asked her to describe what "in love" means to her and when she did i just said i understand. then she asked me what would i call what she described and I told her that I have experienced what she had described at the beginning of relationships and periodically throughout lasting relationship and sometimes five times a day with total strangers and that it was my understanding that what she described was a very real thing and that most people my age understand it is biological in nature. So I need your support. I kinda don't feel going dark is the thing to do, going dim, yes. I had just yesterday made my address changes at work and mail etc. My wife does not know that I have just about completed setting up the financing for a new home we've outgrown the first one and it's something we both want very bad. I am definitely going to back out of that deal ASAP. oh yea, she called me back at 1 o'clock am and asked me to come over. I very politely refused and told her that it might make more sense tommorrow night since I will be responsible for taking misha (my 5 year old to school) in a way i want to freeze up and just say drop her by my house which is probably what i will do depending on what comes up this evening. Help!
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 08-28-2001).]
Mike, I am sorry you are having such a rough time,but I am not surprised. Your wife is ambivalent about your coming home. You could either do she as she askes and give her more support... Encouraging her to try it(having you back at home) and she can continue to evaluate the situ.I think she will panic if she finds out you are trying to buy a new house. BTW,don't you think she should be involved in the process? The second approach is to pull away and go dark,but you have done this before and it may be time to "do something different". I know you are saddened by her behavior. You have to decide if you want to take the risk and just move back. You would have to DB big time from that point on as a reconciliation is only the begining. I would probably move right in, the next time she mentions it and NOT give her a minute to change her mind. However,it's your call Mike and only you know what you are willing and able to do! Please don't feel disheartened as this has been your W's pattern and demonstrates her own insecurity. I think she wants more "passion" in the realtionship and that may be why she was unfaithful to begin with . She may want that "adolescent" type of attraction which burns out fast in real life...or it just may be another excuse to avoid the responsibility of a mature loving relatipnshi[p. Whatever the case she is not putting the needs of the children first and the importance of"family". Are you still in counseling? The fact that she does want you to come home at times,is a very good sign,so don't give up. Got to run...Jen
Mike, I gotta agree with Jen. Your W is waffling. The less you allow this to affect you the better. I also agree with Jen about the new house thing. This is something that can be dealt with later. Don't add pressure by suggesting sudden moves.
Yes, you need to continue moving forward with your life. Dim may be appropriate but you need to decide if that is what you need for now. I told you before I think you should move home. I still feel that way.
By the way, You did a most excellent job of handling yourself in that conversation. Just had to let you know.
Thanks Jen & Kent, Your both right on target and i was right about it being cold feet. she called yesterday and said she has really given this more thought and she definitely doesn't want a divorce so she willing to go along with the move in as planned. I spent the night last night and got the key this morning, now we'll see where it goes from here. Peace!
All the best to you with your move. Try not to let your W's having cold feet get you down. You have every right to be you and to feel happy about the move. Happiness is contagious! I imagine your W's biggest fear is that things will become as they were before. We can all play the "what if" game and worry ourselves into such a frenzy that we become frozen - afraid to make a move. Go home with a smile, your best PMA, and do what works.
Violet's right about happiness being contagious. Remember that apprehension is contagious, too. It'll be important now to "act-as-if" everything's gonna work!! You probably won't feel like that all the time, but, hell, she don't need to know that! You can share that with us.
Congrats again, bro!!
JJ
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Mike...you have done a great job in "holding steady",while providing a climate where your W could vent her anxiety,and you handled it beautifully. Remember,she may continue to have a period of "buyer's remorse" and don't let it get to you,if it happens. Just continue to detach emotionally,provide support and watch it fizzle away. I can't stress enough the fact that reconciliation is only the begining of actively working on and shaping your marriage. Old problems/patterns can surface eventually,but you now have the tools to deal with these situ's effectively.Enjoy yourself and keep in touch, Mike. You are one terrific guy!
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 08-30-2001).]
Thanks to you all, your support is paramount, i am sure that this is nothing more than a new beginning so i still need you all to be there. yesterday she went to get her hair done after work and the kids and i went to the house. Because both my young children are in a private school on this side of town i drop them off in the morning and pick them up after school. My wife didn't get in until 10 pm. I fought off flashbacks of the year before we separated when i did all the child care, cooking, cleaning, and paying all the bills. i was successful and we had a short but rather pleasent evening, I spent the night. i'll keep you guys posted.
