HEY EVERYONE, no real news just felt like saying hi! W is TALKING a real good game concerning reconciliation. She did have a session with Arnold last week. BABY STEPS.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years." -Simone Signoret (who?)
Hope the prayer below helps. It's from The Praying Wife book I'm reading:
"Make me a new person, Lord. Give me a fresh perspective, a positive outlook, and a renewed relationship with the spouse You've given me. Help me see him/her with new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, and new acceptance. Give my spouse a new husband/wife, and let it be ME."
Take care!
Violet
[This message has been edited by Violet (edited 08-02-2001).]
THANKS VIOLET, GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU. sorry i'm a little tardy with this response. I've just been taking it easy, a day at a time. no major improvements or setbacks. I believe we are at a period where the truth teller will be time. Spent some time with W last night started out a little iffy but ended up being a pleasent evening visit. I opted not to spend the night and she called after i left to insure that i could have, which i told her i knew, it was kinda cool. We felt kinda good with each other it was really laid back listen to a new cd and talked. peace!
HEY EVERYONE, just checking in, not much going on. The W and have been doing ok up until maybe a week or two ago at which point communications have become a strained. We end up in these circular conversations. I thought I had broken myself of and learned how not to escalate these types of situations. I see there is a danger of becoming too comfortable, it makes it easier to slip back into old habits. I guess one positive note is that behind these W doesn't shut down and usually remains on a seemingly pretty even keel. I guess this equates to her giving this thing a shot. However, I do understand too many of these incidents is certain death for a relationship, any relationship. I know i really need to start catching her doing things right and making a big deal of it, one-because I need to be more positive and two- because she preceives the most innocuous things to be put downs. I periodically struggle with trust issues concerning her indescretions but they come and go. She had done an individual session and i told her the other night that we definitely need to go back to couples. Well, the last thing is that upon our last discussion about moving back together about a month or more ago I kinda reversed gears because i felt we were'nt ready. She said that she felt it would be practical for me to move back in just before school started which is next week for my youngest and the week after that for my oldest. The subject hasn't come up. I feel that i shouldn't mention it and should maybe even go a little dim. please provide me with your feed back. I need the benefit of your experience,strength, and hopes. mike g
MikeG, Wow! I guess I haven't read any of your stuff or posted to you in a long time! I hadn't realized how long it had been until I just sat and read your entire thread. You've really been on that roller coaster!
I would have bet that things would have gone pretty smoothly for you. They seemed so good for a while. I'm really sorry that they haven't!
I would be very tempted to move in with wife if I were you, but maybe I'm just looking at it from my perpective. I haven't even been thrown any crumbs.
The fact that you're both going to counseling is a plus. Is the counselor pretty good?
I've got to go to the store. I'll check back later.
rayanne
[This message has been edited by rayanne (edited 08-18-2001).]
I am sorry I have neglected to respond to you this past month,but my life has been demanding as well as hectic.
As you know,I have been busy dealing with my son's situation.We traveled to the beach for a vacation and then I sent him to Outward Bound...a real outdoor survival course.He came through with flying colors and I hope he gained some maturity from the experience.
Your situation continues to look promising,however I sense a reluctance on your part to move back home. Is this the case? Your wife's behavior has traumatized you and I am sure you have fears on many levels re jumping back in to the"frying pan".
Your request to continue with couples counseling is admirable,but if it upsets your W perhaps she should go for individual Rx at this time.(I still feel she needs indvidual counseling,based on her behavior)
If you are not ready to move back to your home..then...just take a bit more time.
HEY JEN, Here's the latest, the W and I had a conversation sunday night in which she basically said that she thinks that our relationship really has a shot but she at that moment was not ready for us to move back together because of the communication diffculties we are having. These difficulties were obvious right then as we spoke. My feeling was that the mainly difficulty was due to the anxiety created by the previously planned move-in and completion of household projects, etc. related too the move. Things got a little heated. I promptly but politely excused myself for taking a more aggressive posture, explained very briefly that i had to readdress being able to detach a little and not take the conversations so personally and excused myself. Then called her back from the car and basically told her that from this point on she had to make the moves concerning putting this back together and unless she did this our marriage was over because i was tired and i meant it and was ready for the consequences. the following day i got several phone calls from my W, none of which i answered until she caught me at the store. She basically asked me how did I feel the day after. I stayed a little dim through the entire conversation (she was basically expressing her fears attached with the move) and when asked for some feed back I stated that there is really nothing else to talk about we had talked about it all. then she continued stating the pro's of the move and after a long list of pro's and talk about her willingness she said that she was willing to give this thing a try. I said excuse me what did you say, she said "you can move back in" I asked her when she said "today if you like", I told her that I'd like to sleep on it. we said a couple of more things and ended the conversation. she called the next day and asked if after sleeping on it did i still want to move in. and after a long pause i said yes. She said "don't say this and then change your mind on me." So she has told the children that my daughter and i are moving back in we have been talking about bills, chore division, school, nights out, etc. I have started to pack and plan on moving in during the holiday weekend. I am still being very cautious with my feelings and definitely have not moved outside my normal routine yet. Funny thing though, the communication thing seemed to clear right up and we are talking more and it feels ok. My W asked me yesterday how did i feel knowing i was on the way home the answer was "more relaxed" as I begin to believe it more my feelings of happiness are increasing and my anxietys are lessening. 8-31-01 will be 1 year of separation. Well, whadda ya think!
Way to go...Mike! It sure sounds good to me. I particularly like the way you pulled out of the squabble that evening and left...I also admire your' ability to "sleep on your answer".You are strong and centered and she knows it.Her anxiety may increase as you near your move-in date,but don't let her "push your buttons".Stay calm and detached and avoid seeing her too much in order to diminish the potential of a flare- up of tempers.(Sort of like it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding)Each one of you will have a touch of "cold feet" after such a long separation,but you can get through this week just fine... one day at a time. Mike,I am very happy for you and wish you the best this week.Keep us posted....Jenny
