I don't have much time but I need to get this out and some feedback in. My wife just called from arizona, she said she called to check in. A few weeks ago We had agreed that our youngest daughter would be attending the private school that she attended prior to the separation. I told my wife that I had made arrangements for my daugther to be placed in the school, which I thought was good news. It was, but she called back later saying that the previous conversation produced feelings in her which led to a conversation of which 95% of the time I listened. My W said that our marriage is very practical and that she loves me but she is not in love with me. She says she doesn't know what to do with those feelings and doesn't know if she wants to stay married or not. Needless to say this put me right back on the merry go round. She says she will go to counseling and very soon as a matter of fact I am going to give her Michele's number tonight. I feel pretty empty right now and I kinda want to take her key put it in the mailbox with a letter that says please go away and stay gone. I know these are feelings of disappointment, anger, and hurt but even as I write them I am beginning to feel better simply because I have gotten through what i've been through. I do feel that I need to detach and remember that my wife did not become miracluosly cured and is still very confused. I guess I must retire myself to do nothing in relation to the nuts and bolts of our reconciliation everything I do seems to trigger a relapse for her. I am seriously considering throwing in the towel because I am tired of the pain and uncertainty. However, I thanked her for being honest and said "the bottom line is we don't have to stay married. We either give it a try or not. Last i felt is that we were in a reconcilation process are we still there in your eyes? she said yes, but damn i feel crappy. It would help to hear from some of you veteren DB'ers.
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 07-18-2001).]
Hey, Mike, sorry you feel so crappy, it does get a bit overwhelming at times. I don't know if I would throw in the towel just yet if I were you. A lot of positive things have happened to you lately, go back through your thread and take a recap.
I'm sure your W IS going through a lot of emotions herself right now. A lot of confusion. Looking at the big picture, and being a bit scared. Back way off, let her deal with her fears and emotions on her own.
I guess I must retire myself to do nothing in relation to the nuts and bolts of our reconciliation everything I do seems to trigger a relapse for her.
Looks like you found your answer right there. Remember that sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing. She DID say she loves you, even though she's not "in" love with you (gee, such an original statement. Anyone else ever heard THAT before?). She agreed that you ARE in a reconciliation process (key word there being "process", don't forget that!).
I would suggest for you to NOT throw in the towel just yet. Give her LOTS of space, for her AND for you. When you're feeling this frustrated, it's pretty easy to say and do things that will cause a lot of damage. It's very easy and very tempting to try to rush things at this point. Be the calm, cool, together Mike we've all grown to know and to admire!!
Hang in there, buddy. Remember that reconciliation is a process, not an event. Think of your long term goals, and appreciate how far you've come lately.
JJ
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Mike, I agree with JJ. Back off and see if she pursues again. Please stop pushing to move home. You may even wish to consider a 180 on this one. Your W needs to get her sh## togather.
Remember what I advised about doing too much for her as well.
Hang in there Mike. I'm here to tell you that progress is veeeeryyyy slow.
Mike - Kent gave you something good to think about. What if you did a 180 and delayed the the moving back home, and ceased all discussions of this for a while? May be a scary thought to you right now, but one of the biggest mistakes I've seen on this board and have done myself is trying to rush things along too fast. "No wine will be served before it's time".
JJ
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KENT AND JJ, I thank you both and need to tell you that your suggestions are very good ones.I feel it is to soon to be moving back together given the amount of confusion that abounds. In addition to the fact that I would like to see her start counseling before this happens (we also will participate in couples counseling at some point). believe it or not I am not the one who keeps bringing this subject up as a matter of fact i feel that my W has really been pushing this since the discovery of her indiscretions. I am not going to intiate any discussions concerning our moving back in together because it is very obvious that even though she says she is, she is not ready and neither am I. peace
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 07-19-2001).]
Hey, Mike, just had a thought about your situation. Sounds like there's a lot of importance revolving around your W getting the house fixed up. Have you offered to help her with this, or would this be a taboo subject? Is this a reason to her, or an excuse? If you could work this out to happen, it could be a good way for the two of you to bond a little more. As Kent says, you need to be careful about doing too many things FOR her, however, this could be something you do WITH her. Something to draw the 2 of you a little closer together. NO OR TALKS WHILE YOU'RE WORKING TOGETHER, OR SETTING TIME FRAMES OF A MOVE-IN DATE!!
My W and I spent a lot of time working together out in the yard, and it really helped us along. Good quality time together, and it helped us get to know each other a little better, share in some common goals.
Just a little something to think about.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
JJ, Yes I have offered to help and this was one of the projects she planned for us to do. Once again when I even looked like I was even thinking about doing something it became a catalyst for relapse. I am considering giving her the key back. I did ask her if she wanted me to give it back before she left and she sad no. I don't know why but I am unusually emotional these last few days. I'm thinking giving her the key back may relieve some pressure. through this long separation process i had learned not to get too caught up in the goings on. Maybe I'm more tired than I think with the extermely hot weather and all. I have been having some pretty crazy thoughts.
It's probably best right now to just get some rest, my friend. Don't do anything concerning the key or the relationship until you're feeling better. Get your head clear, go have fun, relax. It's amazing how the feelings and emotions and thoughts can take on a life of their own. Go dark for Mike, and go have some fun, DAMN IT!!!
You asked her if she wanted the key back, and she said no. Giving it back right now will send her a message, could go in a couple of different directions. Make sure it's really what you want to do first.
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 07-19-2001).]
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Mike, Pretend that you already gave it back. poof, the key is gone. Now go dim for a while and do some nice stuff for yourself.
I got a funny feeling W will pursue bigtime when she senses you sliding away. If she does, don't jump back towards her. Make her think you are moving on without her. If she brings up moving home, tell her not yet. Tell her your not so sure you can do that.
What do ya have to lose. Watch the pursuit dynamic when you start to pull away. Watch W very closely. Its a new environment that you need to learn to exist in. Pay attention and you can gain the upper hand and begin to reap the benefits.
This same issue is why I have been urging you to stop taking care of all your W's problems. I think I'll nick name you Mr. fix it! She needs to see that you will not put up with this B.S forever and she needs a taste of what life is like without you.
