Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

Sheila: Has your C said anything to you about parentalizing your H?

No, not so far. I haven't been back to see our counselor in a while. I made an appt today though. I asked H to consider going back to MC and he said he said he needed time to think about it. I gave him the weekend and asked him again this morning, at which point he said no. He said it didn't help him, it didn't help the M, I was less committed now than I have ever been and he feels strongly about what he said before, that I need to show a higher level of commitment before he would ever go back. So, I just said ok, that I was going to continue to go and he could choose to come or not and that I didn't know what else to say. When he said I was less committed than ever I said it's because I am fed up not because of couseling. I sort of agreed then that I was less committed than ever, although I just meant if it seems that way, it's because I am fed up.

I'm hoping that the C will have some insight for me, as she is the only person who has ever witnessed the true dynamics between H and I.

I have not seen any level of commitment from him either. He is in the house and hasn't left, but the same can be said for me. He expects me to be able to give him what he cannot give to me. Over on Cobra's thread, Honeypot asked Cobra why he was pushing so hard for a commitment and I swear I wanted to print that and give it to H. I truly cannot understand why we can't just commit to trying....*both* of us trying. Of all the things we have to work on, being in my own bed is my main concern. I struggle with this on a daily basis. H says the 'power' I see him trying to maintain is all in my head and if by now, I can't see that this isn't a power trip for him then it is hopeless. Ok, so who *admits* they are on a power trip?! If it's not a power trip, then prove it. *YOU* go sleep somewhere else. But he won't. He feels that because I cheated, it's up to me to fix it. I admit that, theoretically, that doesn't seem so outrageous. But we didn't have a perfect M before my A and it wasn't all my fault. But yet, I'm supposed to have this magic wand whereby I can transform myself into whatever it is that he needs me to be. I can't do that anymore than he can.

Sheila: But now, I'm a woman and I can make my own decisions. I.e., who cares if he thinks it's stupid that I want to take dance classes and accuses me of taking off on an evening I could be with the kids. It's not his decision. I"m their Mother and I'm my own person.

This is the place I was in right before I went into this slump. I'm struggling for a couple different reasons, but one of my best friends is starting to venture into D (there is OM) and it is really affecting me. Based on my conversation with H this morning, he views me being in that place as 'less committed than I've ever been' which I guess is not surprising. But you can see where doing what is best for me is clearly not doing much good for my M.

Joe: Keep showing your kids that you love them, no matter what H does or doesn't do.

You're very right. I realized that part of my problem is that when H and I aren't getting along, I withdraw and he gets very clingy with the kids. So, it is two extremes, but it doesn't mean anything long term. It makes a bad situation worse though when I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. That is my problem and I need to take care of it. I know this. My feelings were getting the best of me yesterday. Thanks!

Joe: His actions will breed uncertainty in them. You can just keep being consistently loving, not bad mouthing him. The kids will notice, in time.

Actually, it is H that seems to be able to be consistently involved with the kids. I want/need time with my partner, he doesn't. In a conversation not too long ago, I told H that when he and I are getting along poorly, my mothering abilities are affected. He said 'You can't just put it aside and get joy from being with the kids'? He was surprised to learn that I usually can't. So, the kids see me argue/fight with their Dad, I tend to withdraw whereas Daddy gets even more involved with them than usual (which is pretty hard to beat as it is). I suppose this would have a negative effect on them. H is just so dam smothering toward them sometimes....he gets on my nerves. Sometimes I just want to scream "Can you not just let them be for 5 minutes???"

Karen: First, with regard to S5 - 5yo is a developmental stage where kids usually identify with the same sex parent. I wouldn't worry about it too much but I would make sure there is also one-on-one time for you and S5.

I should probably push for this. H would see it in a negative light. If history tells me anything, S5 won't want to go anyway, he'll want to stay with H. Unless H encourages it (which he won't, particularly if we're not in a 'good spell'), then I will probably rock the boat and tick H off for nothing.

Karen: I am really sorry about karate. I used to take Tae Kwan Do and I know how important testing and promotion ceremonies are.

Thanks.

Karen:I found martial arts to be good for me as a person - body and soul and I would fight for those two nights/week too.

Thanks again. I really do love going. And although H says he would never do it, he makes himself out to be the 'better person' for that, but the truth is, he's never done anything socially in the eleven years we've been here. A couple coworker parties in eleven years sums it up. And S5 is only, you guess it, 5 years old. So, WTH happened during the other six ears? I'll tell you-his not doing anything outside of the kids has more to do with himself than it does with our kids. So, he can be self righteous if he wants to, but I've been around too long for him to be able to fool me with his BS.