Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

Stigmata: OP who run roughshod over those with no boundaries will get angry and surprised when they run into one suddenly but it actually generates respect from them and that taking a second thought and thinking, hey, I'm doing something that triggered such a hard reaction from this otherwise docile person...maybe I've overstepped/crossed a line?

H doesn't see me as a docile person. Unfortunately, he seems to see me as a selfish person who, in general, operates for self first. Sometimes I don't know if he says that just to be mean or if that's how he really feels. He's used my willingness to change jobs for more money as an example in the past. Well, in that case, my 'self' also included me thinking about my family and what more money could do for *all* of us. He seems to feel that the outlook that I can do whatever I set my mind to in this world is a negative, selfish quality. The fact that I go to karate twice a week is the epitome of selfishness to him. To take that time away from my kids and my family.....he won't support it. That's what he says. I test for a higher belt rank this Wed and I've asked him to bring the kids to watch me test for an hour and he refused.
So, I don't know what H feels or thinks when he runs into a boundary of mine...probably just that I'm trying to control him or I that I must think I can have everything my way. In general, most people feel that I'm stubborn, so I guess I must be. That's probably another quality he sees when he runs into a boundary of mine.
Maybe he doesn't even give any thought to my boundaries. When I asked him about sex while we were away (a 'wanna get lucky' kind of proposition) he said "Wow....I haven't thought about that in a loooong time". Again, I don't trust a single word he says to me, so I don't know if he was telling me that only to make me feel like he could care less about my 'boundary' or if he really just accepted it that easily that he doesn't even think about it anymore.

Stigmata: What I will also say is, yes, the thought of a nice new condo and not having to check in with anyone or feel bad about anything sounds great and it is...

For a while that is.

But once you start to refocus on memories, fun weekends together, likes and dislikes, that "knowingg" so deeply your SO that you start to remember more of the good times than the bad...that new condo suddenly becomes a very lonely and painful place.

Believe me, I understand that. Those are the reasons I stay. Because I know there will be so many times that I question my decision to leave and everytime the kids are cranky, inside I will blame it on the separation. I just don't see how I could be there for them emotionally when I would be such a wreck.

Stigmata: Do you have a mutual male friend he trusts? Is there a guy who could just take him aside and say,

"Look, man, Heather told me about what she did. She feels like Sh!t about it and has been miserable for 2 years. You gotta stop punishing her man and deal with your anger and resentment over it because you're driving her away and killing her love for you. Come on, man, 2 years is long enough to punish someone for a mistake."

Only his Dad and his best friend who lives in Michigan. I doubt his Dad has or will say anything. They've pretty much tried to stay out of this, which has probably been the best thing for everybody. They've encouraged counseling and I've heard that his Dad feels 'the whole thing is stupid', but I don't really know what that means. I heard that from H's sister during the beginning of the crisis and I wasn't in the frame of mind to ask her to elaborate. H's best friend lives in MI and has gone through his own battle with alcohol and problems with his W. He seems to have come around and their problems, last I heard, were much better. I have a feeling he has said some things to H, but I don't know for sure.....H has told me he has mentioned religion more than once, which only pushes H away. H seems to have detached from him some. That could be my imagination though, I don't know. Seeing him when we go home doesn't seem to be the priority it once was.
Aside from those two, there are no other males in H's life except his coworkers. My Dad and H have already burned their bridge. There is not a member of my family who cares much for H anymore. Some of that is surely do to my sharing our problems. Some of it is also due to H's actions in front of my family. He's let loose more than once in front of them. My oldest brother absolutely can't stand him and never has been able to. My youngest brother doesn't say much. My Dad always defended H to my oldest brother, but not anymore.

Stigmata: I've said before, I think H is so into his head that he can't find his way out. Yes, you HAVE to help him and not run away or be cold/indifferent to him. It's like he's trying to tell you what he wants you to do but can't since it will look as if he directed you to do xyz and it won't feel Heather-inspired to him.

He is so sure of everything he says to me. So sure that karate is selfish. So sure that divorce would ruin the kids and that it would be my fault for initiating it. So sure that he will not allow me to sleep in my bed. So sure of everything he does.....he's always been that way, even when he was dictating what I wore. He defended himself to the death. When he recognized it was wrong, I have no idea. I think it was only when he realized that I was changing and he either needed to change in order to remain with me or leave. He chose to change. But now without resentment.
I just don't have what it takes to help him find his love for me again. I can't even find my own for him. We had an argument today that started off with me asking him to bring the kids to my belt test for karate. He went into how he can't support it because I'm gone for some x% of the time I have with my kids. I told him that I've always been extremely supportive of his desire to play volleyball and I even pointed out when I saw an adults beginner hockey league flyer. He said "And even though I'd like to, I'd never do it because it takes too much time away from the kids." I said "H people all over the place do things for their own personal enhancement, things that don't concern their kids." He said "And people all over the place aren't very good parents." I said "Eventually, we're going to be running just about every night of the week with the kids, but to take on a skill of my own is just too much to ask right?" He said "Exactly, we will be running a lot for the kids and it will be about *them*". I think he really believes that I put myself before my kids and that is his outlook. I said "I don't see the kids suffering because I go to karate twice a week". He said "Oh, really?" He didn't elaborate and I didn't ask. Before I knew it, his voice was raising higher and higher (we were in his truck and the kids were in the backseat) and I asked him to stop, to quiet down and he wouldn't. He accused me of attacking him and then deeming the conversation over when he finally reacts I am completely miffed about why he started yelling and his refusal to stop.....I muttered under my breath "You shut your mouth" and S5 heard me. He felt the need to tell me how not nice that was. Whenever we fight in front of the kids, S5 always sees me as the bad guy. What does that mean? Does that mean that I *am* being the bad guy? That my voice is meaner than I think? That my words are more cutting than I thought? Or that S5 sees himself as being on Daddy's 'team'? H acted like I was being holier than thou for wanting to stop the argument in front of the kids. I swear I had no idea that it would turn into what it did and I was *not* trying to provoke a fight. At one point I said "H, not in front of them" and he said "Oh, come ON!" like I was being so ridiculous. I don't know what to make of those reactions, I'm not sure why he wouldn't stop. I doubt his motives on everything....maybe it was in fact so that S5 would take his side against me. I wanted to get out, walk away, I had such an urge to jump out of the truck, I cannot even explain it. I said something to that effect and he said "Please do!" At one point I tried to turn the radio up to make him stop and he actually pushed me out of the way and refused to let me touch the stereo. The whole thing was crazy and very much a regression into the past for us. Just great.

We are constantly at odds, the only thing that would ever bring any measure of peace is just to give him what he f*ing wants. I know I'm not *supposed* to be measuring my self worth against what my H thinks of me, but come on, his feelings toward me and my choices speak volumes. And it hurts. And it really, really wears on me. And it leaves me wondering if I should't be better, if maybe he's right, maybe I should quit. The kids are only young once right? I make myself crazy. And the last thing I want to do is find my love for him and 'help' him do the same.

Stigmata: But don't freeze him out, it will make it worse. Hate his actions don't hate him.. It's his pain talking.

How do I really know it's his pain talking? It seems to me that the things he says to me, he damn well means. He seems awfully sure of himself and he repeats the same things over and over.

One of the things that I've been happy has remained consistently better is his attitude toward me and the kids, S5 in particular. My relationship with S5 in particular has been kind of rough. But things have been so much better and there has been a calm in me where the kids are concerned. H has been supportive of my R with S5 and it has helped so much and I've been very happy about it. But the last few days I feel that slipping away. H and S5 had a 'boys night out' Thursday night and I swear, since then, S5 has not wanted much to do with me. On boys' night out, they go out and do whatever S5 wants. They go wherever he wants, plays whatever he wants, they eat whatever he wants. He comes home feeling like Daddy is the greatest thing ever. The thing is, they already spend so much time together, that boys night out is really sort of unnecessary. H says they need it because S5 needs one-on-one time alone with him, without D3.
If it were just that S5 preferred Daddy for a little while after boys night out, I could try to tell myself that kids just go back and forth sometimes with their preferences, etc. But I feel like S5 disrespectful as well, like he won't listen to me, instead he waits for H to either back me up or disagree with me. I tell myself that maybe I'm being to overly sensitive and it's probably my imagination that boys' night out had anything to do with it....lately D3 has been preferring Daddy too and she didn't even go on boys night out. Neither child has been very affectionate with me and S5 periodically says things about how he loves Daddy the best or something. Somehow, I just feel like H has so much control over them, and that has got to be my imagination. I've got to be blaming H unfairly for that because nobody has that much control over other people. They're just being kids for crying out loud. Right now, I do feel like I'm crazy.