hey guys, don't have much time, so in a nut shell; W and I have had several talks about reconciliation she says she is willing to do this and wants to start planning the nuts and bolts. when asked why, she enumerates very sound reasons. I think we both are experiencing some anxiety concerning this. She has given me a key to the house (which I am considering giving back and/or definitely not using because she stated she wanted to give it to me when she finished with the house (she started almost a year ago)- ala grand welcome home- but gave it to me because i mentioned it.) and asked me when did I figure to move back in. Yesterday we ended up having this conversation about her having " sexual attraction problems" when it comes to me and although she has admitted that it has not always been that way, it is something that has resurfaced periodically throughout the relationship. She states that the act itself is pleasurable but getting there is the issue. In all fairness, she did say she is willing to work on this and I am over weight and working on that (I have lost 28 pounds.) My wife has a mean streak and sometimes i feel she does things like this on purpose. I have perceived that she has a kick a person when they're down type mentality and is either not aware of it or in denial, she really hurt my feelings. In delicate situations wording is everything and I resisted the temptation to slice back because my heart and my belief won't allow me to knowingly and purposefully hurt people, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE I LOVE. I am wondering is or will this issue become the set up for an adulterous affair down the line. I am very affectionate ( like hugging, touching and have a very active libido ). should I go ahead in prayer and good faith and try to make the best out of this situation, should I cut my losses and just bail out of the marriage right now. I do love my wife and kids tremendously I'm a little confused and frightened and need your input.
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 07-02-2001).]
It's very enlightening to hear the good news and it truly is good news about you and your wife. And it is understanding that you should and would have some doubts about the move. You ARE a very kind and loving man, and you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally. Sometimes it takes experience to realize the importance of unconditional love. You have shown that to your wife, and maybe she can learn from association. Your sensitivity also shows a caring heart, you have to have enough in your own heart not to want to hurt anyone else, because you know how it feels to be hurt. Keep your eyes as well as your heart open, don't look for the negative, because we always draw what we fear to us. So be positive and keep giving love. Jerrilyn Minor
Violet checking in . . . haven't been on the BB much lately.
Good news about the reconciliation! What a sign - a gift from above - your guardian angel working some wonders - the part about your W meeting up with you at church wanting to reconcile.
I'm going to go "churchy" on you for a minute. At our wedding ceremony, I remember being told that there are three entities in a M - the H, the W, and God. It seems God is rooting for your M and has sent you some signs to hang in there.
Your struggles have been many and might continue as you strive to work things out so stay strong and focused to the end. Because at the end, there is a new beginning . . .
THANKS VIOLET, I guess with summer here everybody is being outdoors a lot, including me. Things seem to be progressing slowly but surely. I am dealing with my trust issues and am trying to be very careful not to overstep my bounds, however, I have made it clear that the accountability of my W's time maybe one of the most important factors in helping me to regain trust in this relationship. I sometimes wonder whether there are any residual aquaintances still hanging around. I have asked, but how can ya ever be sure after finding out about multiple affairs. We have been spending more time together and she has given me the key and the code to the alarm system. I believe she and I both are getting a little more comfortable with being together again. She says she is in for the long haul but I happen to know that the psych/emotional issues she has are real and may intervene at any moment that is why counseling is very important. She insist that we go to couples counseling which we had already been involved in for about 7 or 8 months, she was asked directly was she involved in an affair, she lied all the way through it. I am not opposed to couples counseling but I do feel that she should seek individual counseling before we go another foot. I love my W dearly and want this to go right. I would appreciate any feed back from any of you who have experienced this stage of reconciliation.
Mike, I see the hangup. Why not revisit the affairs and the C session lies during the next C session. Why not ask her how she is willing to help you regain trust. I think the discussion is fair game in a controlled environment.
Me, I just gave up on it all. W never wants to talk about that time period and I have quit asking. I figure I will hear someday but quite frankly, I've quit worrying about it.
Bottom line is you know in your heart when they are straying. You can feel the broken connection long before you are willing to admit it. Awareness of my own feelings is what I use to gauge wether there is a problem now adays. This process has taught me that I can't rely on words. I can expect words, but we know what expectation gets us.
HEY KENT, thanks for your reply. My W says I can move in August 1st if i'd like. I now feel like I'm not so sure. I feel some apprehension as well as some uncomfortability about moving again. I do feel August 1 is to soon. I have some financially matters that i need to square away. I would also like to see her finish this clean up project she has talked about for the last year. Speaking of year Aug. 31st will be exactly 1 year of separation. I need to draw from the experience of you who have got back together. Please share your feelings just before moving back together and your current experiences and any tips that you might be able to share. Just as a side note my W and kids are in arizona now to visit relatives. I asked my W if she'd mind if I stayed at the house for the week that they were gone she said she did'nt feel comfortable with that, but i could move in aug 1 if i'd like. This kinda threw me for a loop seeing that she has given me the key and the alarm code. It became a big deal because to me it didn't make sense, she says she wants the house to be throughly cleaned before i come to stay.t we got over it and i haven't brought it up again. insights please
I think it's great that your Wife has given you the key, code and wants you to move back in! These are good signs but you are wise to be questioning if it's too soon - I can only hope I would be so wise. It sounds like she is preparing herself to trust you (and herself), and yet isn't all the way there yet.
My H told me months ago I could go to the house if I wanted to, even if he's not there. I said I wouldn't (we had a big fiasco in Jan when I did this, and found letters to OW). Now, I didn't do this until one day about 2 months ago. And I picked a bad time- and got hurt again. Neither of us were to blame, and I reacted VERY differently than last time, but it still was a bad idea.
Be careful. IMHO I would be appreciative of these steps and just hang on longer (don't spring stuff on her) until you know that she will not be scared off by it.
Mike I have missed some posts so I was wondering how did the affair end and how did W act afterwards?Did she start getting calmer after you found out?Did she ask to spend more time with you and were you dark?My W affair just came to light this weekend and it's over she admitted everything and has already done several things different like going to church,she hasn't mentioned working on us or stopping the D but I know it's only been a couple of days.
RANDY, it's hard to answer that question as the affairs, as far as I know took place 4 months to a year ago and i just recently found out by evidence and admission. As far as my wife's actions afterwards, let's just say, the truth seemed to have a calming and relieving effect on the entire situation.
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 07-17-2001).]
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 07-17-2001).]
