I think that the R H and I had when we first got together is why I would be so independent now. I feel like I was taken advantage of by somebody who was supposed to care about me. I know what we had wasn't love and it only makes me doubt everything we've ever had. The fact that H can't acknowledge this only solidifies my fear that he would go straight back to that kind of R if only I would let it happen. Those are probably the days he felt most 'loved' by me and 'coincidentally', they are the days I was most afraid of him and clueless about myself.
- Ok, this says a lot, Heather about some of your unresolved feelings. Be careful. You are setting yourself up with the "if only"s and "should have"s.
You are where you are right at this moment due to the string of decisions you made for yourself and your R. Yes, maybe you were a little naive e and followed your feelings but hindsight is 20/20 on ALL things. It is useless to fault yourself or fault H for where you are today. You both did the best you could with what you had back then and neither of you had a crystal ball or the security of wisdom and life experience.
As for H acknowledging your sentiment that you were perhaps taken advantage of and it was not love...stop that. He won't acknowledge this right now nor will he ever possibly. He may have different thoughts on the matter. Wanting closure on how you feel about your R way back then is engaging in self-torture. We accept our decisions, learn from them, and grow so we're better prepared for the future.
And this fear about the R going right back there since H is stuck. Heather, don't be afraid. You have already changed so much due to realizations that you don't have to give all of your power away to OP that your R never will go back to those naive times. It will either be a healthier/more mature R than those days or you will be D'd and single again.
You have to realize Heather...by not standing up for yourself from day one you have allowed this monster version of H to grow out of control and this is not his fault either. He simply ran with the ball and breezed through all of your nonexistent boundaries. This doormat type behavior is what creates monsters for all of us. I created my own friggin monster with x because of my hubris. I thought I was too cool for school because I gave her the freedom she wanted to not feel restrained in an R as long as this freedom wasn't malicious to either one. Hubris. Arrogance. Cockiness that, hey, my woman knows who's the real deal. I can just kick back. Well, by the time I slammed down some boundaries to elicit respectful behaviorr she already crossed the line with an OM who put her in her place in every sense of the word.
So back to you, this is what you're facing. You have years of powermongering consumption from H to deal with and it's not going to all happen at once to get your power back that you handed to him on a silver platter at 17. I know it's hard to believe right now but he will respect you more and more each time he runs into a wall you've erected to keep him out of your inner place containing your self-respect and personal integrity and belief system--especially as these same things are not harmful to either one of you but rather what would be considered part of a healthy sense of identity in any person, quite frankly.
I can't trust his motives.....I don't think H and share the same views about what a healthy R is. Especially now, because he can so easily use my A now to justify the same BS views he's always had. My A changes a lot of things, but it doesn't take away all the progress I've made with my free will since I was 17.
- Right, it doesn't. This leads me back to my comment that you let H take the reins. No, not for you to give up. You just said you don't think H can even share your views of what an healthy R is.
As I've said, you've done so much to try and fix your R that I haven't seen any mention yet to speak of about what H suggests as an positive approach for you both to get back to an R of trust and love. 50-50 as cobra said and I felt your baby step progress was going well until I heard your latest frame of mind and serious case of dontgiveashititis. Your growing frustration and building resentment for H led me to believe that excusing yourself from fix-it mode might be warranted right now as trying to appease H's behaviors with this bad frame of mind will either cause more damage through your incongruence or you will explode from the bottled anger.
This is why, as even your MC said, H needs to step up to the plate. It is up to you to pin him down on this. Without anger and with loving sincerity you have to request H please please please list some concrete examples of what you both can do to repair all the hurt so you can finally end this 2 year painful dance. Then take this list to the MC and go over each point or solution. (And I'd like to be there to hear the MC's reaction if "Send a company-wide email out confessing to your affair from 2 years ago." Maybe another objective witness can make him understand the errors in this kind of problem solving....uh...logic.)
I need some closure, some acknowledgement, some form of recognition from him. Not so I can see him repent, but that so I know he recognizes what he did to me. If he doesn't recognize it, how can I trust him to never try to take me back there? I can't.
-- Guess what? I needed closure too from the ILYBINILWY. Didn't get it nor do I see ever getting it. So what have I done about it? Nothing. I stopped torturing myself. So be it. I grabbed all of my power back from x and I am not letting her decision hurt me anymore than I've already allowed. As a result, my firm belief that I do not need her for anything further and won't have a problem finding willing Fs to be with has caused her to initiate more contact--of which I have responded only on my own terms, at the time I so choose, and in the form I desire.
Giving myself my own closure is what I'm trying to say I guess as it relates to your sitch. Don't wait for it. Close it yourself especially seeing as it's past history.
...how can I trust him to never try to take me back there?
- I think cobra already addressed this. More Schnarchian thinking for you here. "Take me" suggests you cannot choose your own path as to where the R goes from here. Yes, he can take the lead in terms of your R if you so choose but remind yourself that you ALWAYS have veto power over anything H does that violates your values and can stop this backwards "back there" R direction cold.
Good luck, heatherg. Maybe kick back for a while on stressing about what you need to do and just try not to let H's negativity bait you into feeling the same. Yes, it's dang hard to live with someone who's always in a sh!tty mood but you have to view your H in a similar light as an wounded animal. it's scared an in a corner. If you make quick forceful gestures towards it, it freaks out and will do everything it can to lash out at you to protect itself.
Only by calmly and gently easing up to it can you get close enough to reassure it and help treat the wounds. As cobra has pointed out, now that you know you have been in an unhealthy codependent R and never want to go back there again it's safe and might be a good idea to temporarily re-enmesh with H until he can process his leftover anger BUT, most importantly, doing it while installing more and more boundaries as to what treatment you will and will not accept from him.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
