I wanted to just follow up with your response while sneaking in a comment or two to augment some of the issues cobra is revealing through your discourse with him...
I think you might want to now consider (if you haven't already from your old threads on the other forum) turning all of the reins over to H. You give up. You haven't managed to earn his trust so please, H, pull back the curtain.
That's exactly what I'm thinking. Giving up and living in the same house instead of giving up and moving out. I'll make the changes to the room, I've already indicated that if we remodel the house, I intend to take the bedroom upstairs. What do you think about the books I read? If he can see that I am still reading books titled 'Loving Fearlessly" then he will know I haven't given up. If he sees me typing on this BB, he will know I haven't given up. I need to do that stuff in private don't I?
- First. i'm glad to see moving out has for now been taken off the table. You see? This is a direct hit in H's defensive walls--straight to his panic button as it is his biggest fear. Not helpful and all forward progress will collapse and send you to square one again if you threaten to leave (or even think it actually). Your FOO tells me where this comes from.
You said you were taken away from friends etc. when you moved with your dysfunctional family as a kid and you sort of found ways to be alone and entertain yourself in isolation--detaching yourself even from your alcoholic parent(s?) So detaching from an alcoholic H won't be quite the challenge that it might be for OP with a so-called "normal" FOO I'm guessing.
And just to be clear, I don't think you should "give up" and stay in the house...more like stop going down fromage-less Chunnels and stay in the house.
I'll make the changes to the room, I've already indicated that if we remodel the house, I intend to take the bedroom upstairs.
-- You should do whatever you choose to do with the room. Especially if you are letting H dictate that area for you. If you want to call it "my bedroom" call it that without being nasty...just in the tone that you are moving on with your life and not waiting around for H's approval as to your own personal space. We all need some kind of personal space in Rs and if this space cannot be shared then we must have 2. This is separating your boundary from his. It's a good place to start as boundaries do not have to become confrontational. The goal is to eventually move your boundary out to your original master bedroom and sleeping with your H. But to me this is a big goal that needs to be reached one step at a time as you deal with an injured H.
...if we remodel the house...
- Remember how much calmer and pleasant H was when you started talking about blueprints and plans for the remodel? Remember his reactions to you threatening to leave, whether permanently or to the hotel? What if you replaced "if" with "when" in front of him? Hmmm, seems to me like making an large investment to improve your "nest" together is a pretty big neon sign of commitment from you. Or at least excitedly talking about it if you're not quite at that point of...well...umm...commitment. Oh wow I think that says a lot if that doubtful feeling is true. (yes, I know. Hard to feel excited right now but trust me this kind of attitude is a real negativity killer and may even be contagious. Additionallly, I would suggest a lot of "we"s and "our"s.
...I intend to take the bedroom upstairs.
- Finishing off that sentence. What's this? I don't get it. Now you sound like a roommate from "The Real World" when they first arrive at the new house/apt. Not "our" bedroom? Why are you already relegating yourself to your own separate room in your future bedroom that doesn't even exist as of yet? Maybe I'm confused and you want this as the master bedroom with you both occupying.
What do you think about the books I read? If he can see that I am still reading books titled 'Loving Fearlessly" then he will know I haven't given up. If he sees me typing on this BB, he will know I haven't given up. I need to do that stuff in private don't I?
- Hm. Well I'd say you should keep reading and typing if it's helping *you*--regardless of whether you think H is noticing or not. Yeah it would be nice if he could see these things if they happened to be sitting around etc. and link them himself to your "commitment" but I wouldn't put much stock in assigning too much hope to it.
I think H wants to see actions. First, by not engaging him in sword fighting. He will win every time because from his past actions/responses/demands he has determined that he WILL win every time you go against him; that's why you are doing so well to hold your tongue and anger. He is cocked and loaded for bear to see if you'll escalate on him so he can put you in your place.
Deflecting his anger by choosing not to engage while maintaining a positive frame of mind is bypassing straight around his full on frontal walls of hair-trigger reaction-fed anger.
This is not to say ignore him or be blissfully patronizing--no no no that will only make him angrier that you are trying to evade his twisted view of accountability--but rather to set "pleasant" but very firm boundaries as to what treatment you will or will not accept from him...ie, something like my earlier suggestions to de-fuse his tongue which shows that you are not a person who accepts second-class treatment from anyone--no matter who that person might be, your H or The Pope himself, kwis?
Don't think black or white, angry retaliatory insult shouting vs. turning the other cheek. Both are signs of insecurity/low self value whereas being firm/stern while keeping your cool sends a very powerful message about being treated with respect.
The next positive action approach you might want to consider is to try and blur the line more in terms of you vs. H. Do you talk of future plans for anything? The house remodel is a nice blurring as long as you don't start choosing "your room" etc. Can you get H out of the house more with the kids and do some fun summer things together? Do you compliment him without provocation on anything? His work/talent, looks, humor etc. just because you appreciate these things in him? I'm getting the vibe, Heather, that lately even thinking these thoughts makes you cringe. (believe me, I understand why)
If these thoughts make you feel disgust...don't bet that his subconscious isn't picking up on it and fueling his insecurity, kiddo. There I said it again to give you that nice fraternal feeling as you think about all of this temporary unpleasantness.
He's in a thick fog, Heather. But he's reading that book and I think that's a good sign. He's gonna be a lot slower to progress than you...the A, alcohol desires cropping up...lots of stuff to handle and complicate things while he inches towards the realization that, yes, it's okay for 2 individuals to have identities that are not so completely fused together into one smothering ball of festering mutual resentment.
I'll get to the cobra stuff in the next post...maybe...
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
