Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

Did your H have a relationship with your sister? Did he somehow manage to affect her too so that you both have this “fiercely competitive and independent” spirit? That seems unlikely, so I think the common link probably predates your H.

I believe I already said that there were probably some things at home that contributed to our feelings of independence. But, if it were just that and I came into my teenage years with that attitude already, it doesn't seem likely that I would have been the type of person that would have allowed someone else to dictate what I wore and where I went. I did hear you, your comments didn't slip through my fingers. I addressed a little bit of my FOO and why my sister and I might share similar views. But I take my views farther than my FOO because I know what makes me cringe the most and it is the early years with H.

The only way you can go back to “that kind of R” is if you let it.

Exactly! Wouldn't that explain why I refuse to take his opinions on the matters we've discussed? Appeasing H simply for the betterment of my M is not the way I want to live my life because what happens later? These issues have to be tackled eventually and I don't want to get into a situation where I make not going out with friends or not going to karate the norm because it 'bothers' him.

If you fear this happening, then you fear yourself. And this is not dependent on whether he acknowledges anything. Can you see how your statement sidesteps your responsibility?

I disagree. Let's say I take your 'leap of faith' and just start folding on things, start taking the approach of 'which is better xyz or fixing my M' so that things that he has a problem with I give up to 'prove' myself. What if he never lets up? What if this is his idea of a good M? This is not fearing myself Cobra, this is fearing that he and I are not on the same path and no, I don't see where it sidesteps my responsibility.

I do think you are a “crusader” of sorts, not for the cause of others, but for the cause of your own esteem, your own ego.

Pleasant, thanks.

you keep coming back to these types of comments. Are you trying to convince me or you? I don’t matter, but you do. You should not have to convince yourself that you are strong and confident (which creates those thoughts that you are not). Just know that you are strong and confident, as Lil prescribes in her recent messages.

I feel like every day in this M is a test of how strong I am. I feel like ultimtely H would love to see me suffer as much as humanly possible for what I did. I feel like I live with someone I need to protect myself from. It is difficult to convey that in a forum such as this.

I think you need to keep reading Schnarch, if you haven’t done so. Your statement implies that you need your H to become a certain way, so that (in the hugging till relaxed analogy) you will have a trusting partner on whom you can lean.

I read it already. My statement was that I need H to behave a certain way that would indicate he is ready to put the swords down. I've approachd with a white flag and he turned me down. This has been the case over and over again.
One person can only do so much in a R. We have been to MC and even the MC could see that H wasn't in a position to move forward and would not tell her what it would take to get there. When I called her to tell her that H told me he would not return until he saw a level of commitment from me, her words were 'he hasn't shown much commitment either...'. I don't want to place blame or fault, it just is what it is. I can improve myself, but ultimately if I try to take full responsibility for making this work, if I believe that my own behavior really is to blame and if I can just change it this way or that, then everything will be all better....I will be placing unfair burden on myself. This is not all within my capability to fix.

I will finish my post later.

Thanks