Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

What is it in your FOO that makes you both so “fiercely competitive and independent?”

There are probably lots of things, the kind of marriage my parents had, their drinking issues, the town we lived in. We both knew we wanted better for our lives. More than that though, I think that the R H and I had when we first got together is why I would be so independent now. I feel like I was taken advantage of by somebody who was supposed to care about me. I know what we had wasn't love and it only makes me doubt everything we've ever had. The fact that H can't acknowledge this only solidifies my fear that he would go straight back to that kind of R if only I would let it happen. Those are probably the days he felt most 'loved' by me and 'coincidentally', they are the days I was most afraid of him and clueless about myself. I can't trust his motives.....I don't think H and share the same views about what a healthy R is. Especially now, because he can so easily use my A now to justify the same BS views he's always had. My A changes a lot of things, but it doesn't take away all the progress I've made with my free will since I was 17.

My wife is EXACTLY like this and likes to think of herself as a rebel or warrior against a male dominated and oppressive society, protecting the rights of women, kids, the weak, blah, blah, blah….

I can't tell if you're just wishing to share some of your experience here or if you are saying that I am a 'crusader'. I don't rally for causes and I don't have stated principles or generalized beliefs that guide my behavior. The girl next door can take care of herself unless she tells me otherwise or I witness an atrocity of some sort. Other than that, I'm just concerned about me...I'm not willing to let H break my spirit again.

Maybe it is with some of that, but underneath all of this is a real live FOO issue needing resolution.

I think you're exactly right, only it's not my FOO. It's my very young history with H. I need some closure, some acknowledgement, some form of recognition from him. Not so I can see him repent, but that so I know he recognizes what he did to me. If he doesn't recognize it, how can I trust him to never try to take me back there? I can't.

Since you two are opposite sides of the same coin, you might take a look at how you mirror and thus exacerbate his behavior.

It seems like living my life as I see fit exacerbates his behavior. Taking karate, accepting a business dinner invitiation. I've talked about these things several times...these are the things that bother him. I'm not willing to let him decide everything I do in my life, so it looks like I will either continue exacerbating his behavior or he will recognize my free will for what it is and not as a demonstration against him or a sign of my lack of commitment.

All authority is perceived. What other kind is there?

I meant perceived by the person who's trying to be authoritative. One should not have to resort to belittling, condescension or other power plays in order to be get the recognition they feel is warranted. If you don't get the recognition you think you deserve, then apparently you don't have as much authority with the person as you thought you did.

When you say you do not believe, you are taking the exact same position as someone who does believe.

Our reasons are different for choosing to believe vs not believe. I don't like to get into lengthy discussions on this either way. Like you said, it can't be proven. Just like my view on my R with H, I take the same view here. I'll try my hardest to be a good person. If it's not good enough, well I guess I'll just have to live with the consequences.