I think many here have been never bit as frustrated with your sitch as you have yourself. You’ve got a lot of walls built up and it is SOOOO hard to get through. Sometimes I think there is little more that can be done than to lay the truth in hard hitting words. I know that is what ticks off Burgbud, and while I and possibly others are responsible for making the decision to use such direct statements, you are also responsible for shutting down and not hearing the message in a diplomatic statement. I make the error in assuming that if you don’t get my message, it is because I have not presented my idea in a way that “clicked” with you. It is up to the communicator to get the message across. It is very difficult for the listener to infer a cryptic message. Perhaps Burgbud thinks this approach is better, but I have found myself wasting a lot of time with that method, both as sender and receiver.
I am seeing another side of you that I had not focused on before. The following is the second time you’ve mentioned your sister:
I find it offensive to 'focus on being a great wife'. I just want to be a great person and my H can want to be with me or not. For some reason the words 'a great wife' surface imagery of me cooking dinner and getting H his beer out of the fridge for him. That's just not me. I see the same attitudes in my sister, so clearly this must have something to do with the way we were raised. Her and I are both fiercely competitive and independent. That's why it sickens her that I stay in this M.
First let me say that I think your sister is guilty of simple projection of hr issues onto you, but those issues are identical to yours. What is it in your FOO that makes you both so “fiercely competitive and independent?” My wife is EXACTLY like this and likes to think of herself as a rebel or warrior against a male dominated and oppressive society, protecting the rights of women, kids, the weak, blah, blah, blah…. She wears this strength and aggressiveness (she would call is assertiveness) as a badge of honor, a source of self esteem and confidence. I have come to realize the opposite is true.
What she thinks is a “medal” I see as really a lead weight around her neck. She expends tremendous energy fighting the “cause,” just as other crusaders do. The real question is what sustains them? Is it really pursuit of an ideal? Is it to right an injustice? Maybe it is with some of that, but underneath all of this is a real live FOO issue needing resolution. I believe my wife is simply insecure, self conscious and hurt by the abandonment from her past and has built up a façade to convince herself that she really is strong. I have a lot of this within me too. She will admit to her issues in principle, but doing something about them is another matter. That is just too scary for her and is something I am still dealing with.
Tying this back to you, I wonder if you don’t have the same or similar issues at play which keep you in this “fiercely competitive and independent” mode. I can see just how this keeps you and your H locked in your power struggle. We’ve pretty well identified the fear your H is experiencing and which drives his actions. Since you two are opposite sides of the same coin, you might take a look at how you mirror and thus exacerbate his behavior.
H did say something to this effect at some point, that doing these things made it seem permanent and he didn't want it to be permanent.
Yep, he’s scared alright. This was a crack in his façade. I think it is a very important statement and one which you should follow up on as far as you possibly can. It leads directly to his deepest fears, as well as yours. I am beginning to think you two need to start digging into your FOO to find a way to get unstuck. Nothing else has worked. It seems you other approaches have not given the support and comfort he needs. Yeah, same goes for my wife. So I am still trying to crack her shell.
Let me divert slightly…
I have a problem with authority. Especially perceived authority.
All authority is perceived. What other kind is there?
I don't really know why. I don't even believe in God and tend to get irritated when people talk about hell, etc because it seems to go against everything a loving God would do if there was one.
Think about your position on God. When you say you do not believe, you are taking the exact same position as someone who does believe. You have taken the leap of faith and made a conscious decision to not believe, just as other make a decision to believe. There is no difference in your philosophical position. Neither stance can prove its position is right. The only different position is to be agnostic, because a decision is made not to take the leap of faith because proof is non-existent. It is the only philosophically different position from being a believer or a non-believer. So as a non-believer, is there really any justification in your ranting against the church?
My point is that you should soften your positions and your feeling of righteousness. Sure your experience in grade school makes a good argument for not believing, but it is not sufficient. It is just circumstantial. It is a justification.
My wife has similar problems with religion. I have had the same feeling too, but have come to realized that my objection really stemmed from the more extremist types, who looked down on others because they did not believe as they “should.” Sure those people are hypocrites, but why did it bother me? Because I was unsure of myself. I did not FEEL the inner confidence and security I needed, even though I thought I had it on an intellectual level. The two are not the same. I was trying to regain some level of control over this feeling of insecurity and inferiority. Is your attitude really an attempt to regain control from those who once controlled you? Are your positions on the church just a manifestation of your deeper FOO issues?
If you are comfortable with your belief in God (or non-belief), then you should be comfortable with the concept of taking a leap of faith. So putting you faith in your H and making yourself vulnerable, revealing to him all your true needs and desires, should be possible. I know it won’t be easy, but you need to open yourself to this eventuality if you are ever going to get your marriage back.
My Dad also yelled a lot and I've learned throughout my life that the people who think they have the most power really have none. It has caused me to question authority right from the start.
This is very true. So why do you and your H practice the same thing? Aren’t the both of you replaying the scenario from Schnarch in which he tells Audrey (I think) that she is perpetrating her mother’s abuse? It all about confronting our fears.
