Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

Doing great kiddo.

Thanks Stig. My older brother used to call me that.

Betcha you can side kick a stack of these aforementioned 2x4s pretty handily with all that karate voodoo that you do.

Wellll, not quite yet. But thanks for the vote of confidence!! I test next Wednesday for a stripe on my yellow belt. Not that far along, not for a lack of talent my Sensai says but because of a lack of attendance I have been a yellow belt for a year now

Heck yeah, lay it on him if his beer drinking bothers you. The reason I side with you on this one is simply because you're okay with it at its current level. That and the fact that H dropped down from one hellacious habit to a six-pack or 2 with that crappy O'Douls mixed in for some good no-alcohol empty calorie fun--AFTER the A mind you.

I agree with what Lil said, that for an addict recovery means a whole lot more than just not drinking and a helluva lot more than continuing to drink, just not as much. There are times when it is apparent to me that H has an addiction to O'Douls just as he does to alcohol. It is psychological I guess. Just this past week, there were two instances where he bowed out on something because he 'had' to go to the grocery store. What do you suppose he needed? O'Douls. Lil is right, there is no doubt about it, H's addiction is still burning bright because he's never taken a stand in recovery. But it's H's problem and overall, I am much happier with his drinking than I've ever been. At least he's not getting visibly drunk anymore. The focus was on his drinking for so long, sometimes I think he's holding onto the A thing so that the focus never goes back there.

Soooo, maybe back burner and monitor; no use adding more gasoline to his A fire right now. AA will be hosting free meetings every week till the end of all known civilization unfortunately.

Agreed.

Stigmata: He knows it's not working his way and he's looking for answers.

I hope you're right. And even if he is looking to judge me and/or diagnose me, like Lou said, more than likely he will recognize his own behavior in the pages. I think we've all been down that road. If that's how his self-improvement journey begins, then I'd say he's right on track with how mine began as well. I didn't set out to fix myself, I set out to fix him!

Stigmata: Anger toward you for wanting to put a door on the guest room, clean it up and put the computer in the attic. Sure, maybe just more contrarian punishment meted out, as you say, but I'm leaning to the belief that he is afraid if he *lets* you do these things you might actually start detaching from him via being more comfortable claiming that room as your own personal space.

H did say something to this effect at some point, that doing these things made it seem permanent and he didn't want it to be permanent.

I think you might want to now consider (if you haven't already from your old threads on the other forum) turning all of the reins over to H. You give up. You haven't managed to earn his trust so please, H, pull back the curtain.

That's exactly what I'm thinking. Giving up and living in the same house instead of giving up and moving out. I'll make the changes to the room, I've already indicated that if we remodel the house, I intend to take the bedroom upstairs. What do you think about the books I read? If he can see that I am still reading books titled 'Loving Fearlessly" then he will know I haven't given up. If he sees me typing on this BB, he will know I haven't given up. I need to do that stuff in private don't I?

You're realizing I think that you have spent far too much time patterning your daily behavior around how it might afect H instead of looking inside and getting your inner compass fixed as to what Heather wants out of life H or no H.

You wanna know one of the most profound things *I* learned on these boards? That whatever I think is right for me is right. I can't even remember who said it or what context it was said. People probably even tried to tell me that several times before I actually *heard* it. But when I heard it, I can remember thinking 'holy cow! seriously? is that how people really work? that's not considered selfish?' Maybe these are the reasons that Lil was so frustrated with me she felt like she needed to leave, but I can honestly say that I was never given permission in this R to act on my own feelings, I was always guided (and I allowed myself to be guided) by H's reactions to things. I am not as far along in the self discovery journey as some people and maybe I'm farther behind than many of you ever were. But geez, the circumstances in my life, hooking up with H when I was 17 didn't allow for a whole lot of self discovery, not with someone as controlling as he was. Do you know yourself when you're 17? I sure as heck didn't. And I never really learned. I only learned me with H. How my actions affected him and therefore what I should do or not do so that he would be loving toward me.
So, learning that most people let their own inner compass guide them...well, that was really news to me. In the past the only time I did that was when it got to survival mode. Never as a way of life.

You see, whenever OP slide these in at the end of comments or ambush you it's as if their inner negative dialogue suddenly pops out vocally...almost subliminally trying to go unnoticed. That's why I suggest whenever you hear this you forcefully grab it and put it up onstage in its fully naked humiliation.

This is a great idea. H mumbles a lot and I think you're right, some of his insults are meant to be heard but at the same time go unnoticed or unaddressed by me. I will use this, thanks!

Finally, I appreciate your suggestions to kill H with kindness. Hang in there with me. I'm not there. Right now, being kind is more than I can muster. Ain't that sad? It doesn't make me feel very good about myself, but I just don't have what it takes right now. Give me a little time, maybe I'll get back to a point where I can try some things.

Thanks a lot for your thoughtful posts Stig.