Hi Heather You want to leave H. You don't want to hurt your kids. You know I've been there a few times, so I'll just share. The hardest part of my decision was the failure, guilt and worry about my kids future. Like you, I wasn't afraid of being alone or taking care of me, but I was terrified of what it would do to my kids. D goes against every thing I've taught them. Families are forever, right?
For that reason and because I'm co-dependent as hell and kept hoping too, we glued it together many times. We did that until our oldest is grown, and our D is 11 now. The problem with us staying together so broken is that my D11 has learned way too much about how to have a bad R. I see that in her. When XH finally moved out four months ago, she was relieved. Any mention of a future reconciliation of any kind she opposes. She remembers the tension, and it also affected her younger brothers emotionally. I'm not telling you this to encourage you to leave, I'm just sharing so that you might think about the downside of staying in the M too. There is one. Your D will see how your H treats you and how you've been angry and withdrawn. Either of your kids might mirror your and your H's role in your marriage in theirs. I can already see my D11 accumulating some of those skills to take forward in her future Rs.
On a positive note, the kids are healing. I'd say they are thriving really. If I compare how they were with XH and I living in misery to how they are now, they seem much more secure and happy. Of course they miss us when they are away from one of us, but they are not nearly as anxious as they were.
Whatever it is that you decide to do, I know you'll do it thoughtfully. Everyone fails, but it's accepting the failure that allows us to move forward and heal. I remember a post on your thread in infidelity.. it's not making the right decision, but making the decision right that counts. It's stuck with me and helped along the way.
I'll also share this. After 4 months of living separately, XH has finally started his IC. I'm starting this week. We've both admitted that we were way too entangled to be totally done and need some help with that. He's starting to see how his depression and OCPD affected our R and so am I. I'm starting to see how my reactions, allowing him to control me passively and my anger played a part too. We've had open, honest discussions about this for the first time - ever. Neither of us are happy that we failed. We do love each other. Where is this going? No clue. We admit we can't live together and need to heal and work on our individual issues. We're doing this for ourselves, and for our kids. We've agreed when the time is right, we'll see the C together to either break the bonds in a loving way, or see if we can ever have a R again. This has brought some peace for us. It's months, maybe even years in the future, but at least we can say we both are committed to this family enough to explore the reasons we're not together and if nothing else, we'll have answers for our children instead of resentment and bitterness.
Just wanted to share because I know we've faced similar frustrations in trying to fix without success. You're doing fabulous on working with your issues and detaching from your H. As control of you slips from his hands to yours, he WILL start to look at himself. It might take a long time, but at some point he's going to have to look for answers within.
You want to leave H. You don't want to hurt your kids. You know I've been there a few times, so I'll just share. The hardest part of my decision was the failure, guilt and worry about my kids future. Like you, I wasn't afraid of being alone or taking care of me, but I was terrified of what it would do to my kids. D goes against every thing I've taught them. Families are forever, right? 