Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[Fighting4Wife]

Heather,

Been following for a while and have posted once or twice, so if this redundant to what I have said before, forgive me. I can relate completely with you H. It is where I was for many months, in fact close to a year, and went through peaks and valleys on the trust issue. I still do at times. So I am going to look at this from my perspective and please take it FWIW. Remember I know nothing of your H and little of you so this is speculation.

Look at the little things that you can do to ease his mind. This will not be easy, and in true giving fashion, you would be doing this as a gift to your H. As my W made those efforts I clouded them with whys, and is she doing this to cover something up etc. But do them anyway. When he asks why or tries to poke holes in you reasons for doing them, reply “I am doing them to help build your trust in me again. I see your POV and I would react similarly if the tables where turned. I am committed to you and our M, if this will help you trust me again, I am willing to do it.” If my wife would have said something similar to it, I would have been able to ease my fears a bit. Instead my W took the approach of “I am trapped, I have to call you all the time so you do not worry and I do not get in trouble or I am committed can’t you see that?!.” Which of course put me in the defensive battle mode, which is not good. Actions speak louder than words.

I see where my W made the efforts to do what I wanted and needed without me explicitly asking for it. I was foolish enough and conceited enough to believe I deserved it and did not see her efforts at giving. I acted very similarly to you H when my W went tanning or got nails done. If she was grocery shopping for a long time, or errands seemed to get tagged along on each other. I would feel the anxiety and worry. So, in seeing someone else having these issues, I will relate maybe a strategy that may help.

The nail thing, you could not get in, maybe a call to H and let him know the situation, then say “Would you like me to come home and then come back or I was thinking of just getting a latte and waiting so I can get in immediately when he is done.” This puts the decision-making back on his shoulders to trust or not to trust. Be willing to do either, because you are willing to show the level of trust that H is asking for.

The ride home thing. It would have been simpler if you might make the statement that you have some errands and appointments to keep and could not give him a ride home. Then communicate the incident with you H. “H, XXXX asked me to give him a ride home tonight since it is on the way home. I told him I could not and made up some excuse about errands. I did that because I am not sure you would have been comfortable with me doing that activity right now.” See how he responds. You are showing him that you are making the effort to rebuild trust and removing the ammunition he is wanting to use.

The disclosure thing. My W did the same thing. “I am just going to tell everyone about it” My response was do what you feel you need to do. Knowing she would not and me not wanting that stigma on her or me. So when he states that again, maybe, “H is that is what you want me to do, make it publicly known and have people look at me in different ways, including the men that are slime and think they have a chance to try and make me stray again, which I WILL NOT!, then I will give that some serious thought. Are you sure you want to deal with the issues that may come up from that?” Again you diffuse and shine the light on his behavior as being selfish and disrespectful to you without overtly saying it.

I understand where you are at and where H is at. I do not presume to know it all, but from my experience in this type of dynamic, those things did or would have made me look at myself in a different light.

F4W