Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

Cobra: What do you think Corri was saying to you and how is what we are saying in conflict with that?

Corri has only posted on my thread a couple of times and I was really combining the ideas in those posts. Lose the expectations, lose the sense of entitlement, just focus on me and my definitions of respect, etc. There have also been several other suggestions to 'not worry about H's reactions' and to just take care of me. That's what I'm doing. If I feel I need to stay in a hotel, I'm not worrying about his reaction, it is his. I'm just doing what I need to do. I think I'll do the same with the room I stay in, this weekend, I'm moving the stuff to the attic. His reaction will be his. I drove the coworker home because it was kind, it is who I want to be and I would hope for the same in return from someone else. H's reaction will be his. I am going to tell H that I am choosing to continue seeing our MC, I hope he decides to return, but if he doesn't, my sessions with her will continue regardless. This will piss him off big time. But again, his reaction will be his.

Cobra: Sure, you can’t cause him to allow or not allow anything. Just simply tell him you do not agree with whatever he says, but he is entitled to his opinion.

I'm getting better at this. Saying something simple like that and just leaving it be. I also ended a conversation the other night when he called me a moron. Just like that, I walked away and said "That's it, this conversation is over". Of course, he returned with "THANK GOD". Whatever.

Cobra: You can ask for anything you want. The probability of getting it is another matter. How many times have you asked to sleep together and how many times has he turned you down? Do you think asking another 100 times will change that?

Probably not. Thing is, it's quickly becoming something I'm simply not willing to tolerate anymore. I can't learn to relove someone under these circumstances. I could fake it and just do what needs to be done, but I would be selling myself out.

Cobra: I think I mentioned before that your shame chains you down. This is more of that. As much as you hate to admit it (or any of us hate to admit about ourselves), you have a screwed up marriage and your husband is a lush. If your friends and family don’t know this now, they will know it eventually. I’m sorry, but trying to keep up a good face to the world is dragging you down. Bring this into the open. You’ve got enough to do just fixing yourself, much less maintaining appearances for his sake (and yes you run cover for him).

I'm going to be really truthful here and say that it is in fact my ego that holds me down. I HATE it that my life is less than I want it to be. I should be able to fix it, to make it better. I am incredibly jealous of other couples who seem happy. I am ashamed, but it's mostly my ego that causes it. I want people to think I'm happy and that things are good. But my friends and family do know that isn't the case. Over the course of this, there has been no way I could have hidden it. I was so broken at first that all I could do was call friends and family and cry. I was at such a loss for what to do, I told more people than one would think I would have. I desperately needed to be understood because I knew what I did was really, really bad. And, actually, I think I need to stop talking so much about H and his problems. I admit now that I used a lot of that for justification for my A, indirectly. I'm not a bad person, but a person who has an A can be of questionable character. It killed me to think that people were going to think less of me know. This fueled my desperation and I thought if I could just explain everything, everything that was really going on while I wanted everyone to believe I had the perfect H, they would understand more about why I did what I did. I'm too tired for that now. I cheated. My M wasn't perfect, my H wasn't perfect. But it didn't warrant what I did. End of story. I'm too tired to explain myself anymore.
I've given up my expectations mostly because I'm hopeless that things will be any different.