I don’t understand you at all. I recall you were Phase3 not long ago and were going to some length to defend Heather, saying you had spoken to her personally. Now you tell me you’ve spoken to Oh_So_Blue (OSB) as well? Who else do you speak to personally? This seems rather strange to me (yeah, that’s a condescending remark if you want to take it that way)….
As far as OSB goes, she had a problem addressing her own faults (don’t we all). There was little more she could do than to face her own issues since her H had essentially walked out. If I were to generalize my advice to her, it would be along the lines of Dr. Laura – kissing up to her H to re-enmesh, provide security and comfort and get him re-engaged in some level of communication. She had some degree of success. If OSB were to fully detach like all those on those MLC board were telling her to do, I think her H would have walked out completely. He needed her to re-enmesh.
Does that mean I hated the detachment advice? No, it means I thought it was wrong. It means that the majority of opinions there were overwhelmingly female and strongly male bashing. OSB already knew what she was pissed about. What she and others did not understand was his mindset, his reality. She needed to acknowledge his anger and what he was mad at her about. Nothing else was going to get through.
I remember she disappeared off the board. She made her choice. I have no regrets about that. She, like everyone else here, set their own karma. If divorce is the outcome, then the only one to blame is themselves. I had nothing to do with it, I did not set the ground work for it, contribute to it nor could I have affected the outcome one way or another.
Heather is slightly different in that she and her H are still together, however tenuously. But her H is also very angry, is acting like a baby and basically being little more than a scared puppy (but a bratty one). The changes needed in the marriage seem pretty clear to me, and I think to many others on this board. Whether Heather can effect those changes is another matter. This is the same hurdle for all of us. Mojo’s issues were confusing to me at first, then they started to come into focus. I think both Lil and I were seeing the same thing. We had a tough time getting through the deflection. But like Heather, what Mojo needs to do seems pretty straight forward. Implementing those changes is the challenge.
I do not think any of this is rocket science. The bottom line issues are all the same. Only when there is the occasional true personality disorder do I think the pattern does not fit. So for me to say I could see exactly what Heather and Mojo needed is not so much a stretch. Maybe it is a little extreme since I can’t know EXACTLY each and every little thing they need to do, but as far as the major relationship issues go and what is holding THEM back, I think a lot of people here can see what they need to do.
What I don’t understand is why this bothers you so much? I have not heard anyone else complain about condescending attitudes. I am thinking the bigger part or your issue is within you (are you going to say THAT is a condescending remark?) Just what does it take for you NOT to feel someone is being condescending to you? Does everything need to be wrapped in compliments and self esteem boosting remarks for it not to be threatening? That’s not my cup of tea. So take it or leave it.
As far as I am concerned, people here need to take EVERYTHING said with some reservation. No one is holding him/herself out as an expert or trained marital counselor. The advice is free, as much for the growth of the giver as the receiver. Listen as you please. If you think the advice is not accurate, is misleading, harmful or whatever, then say so. If you’ve got better or at least different advice, then put it forth. Why would you hold back if you can be of help? For that matter, why would you bother to make contact with someone via phone instead of posting advice on the board for others to use too? If you have more information about someone because of those phone calls, why not share it? I still don’t get your agenda. Something still smells fishy to me.
