Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[Stigmata]

So, I had a chance to practice this. H said something to argue against something I said. I asked him a question and then I said "You know what forget it. You don't need to answer that. The absurdity of me even discussing this is similar to me stating that I am a woman and then you saying 'no you're not'." He said "An *honest* woman? That's another story." He didnt' miss a beat.

- He sure didn't. Skilled percussionist with his beat timing he is. Amazing how even a non-related argument somehow gets him to bash you over the head with your A. Boy oh boy is he far from dealing with his trust issues with you. He's percolating, Heather, and these little vents are a sign of cycling resentment inside of him. I did this too. Except the end of my inner dialogue cycling came with a volcanic explosion of resentful verbals delivered with slurred fervor unfortunately.

Thought I could handle it solo and just stuff it. Couldn't. Didn't torture x or punish her, just couldn't understand why she threw away a pretty happy existence together. No, not perfect by any means, but not worth throwing away a pretty darned enjoyable R over a lack of willpower and lust-based attraction IMO. Out pops my inner dialogue like a very pi$$ed-off looking jack-in-the-box:

Booooiiiiiinnnnngggg!

Stigmata: Not until he "sees" that one big thing to show him you are commited to him and have proven your remorse. I'll give you a hint. It has 4 wheels and is sitting out in your driveway right now.

I disagree with the 'one big thing' idea. It isn't one big thing. He wants me to consider his feelings in all that I do and then act according to how he feels. If I act on my own feelings, then I am selfish, not committed, haven't changed, etc. There isn't one big thing. It's everything. It's karate. It's my business dinner. It's staying at a hotel. It's countless other things that have happend over the months and continue to happen that makes him sure I am not 'committed' to him.

- I think you're exactly right. Forget the truck and what *you* think you should do with it. Heather, I think you're done.

Not with the R mind you. Seeing you jump through hoops has made me exhausted so I can only imagine how you must feel. Time to stop. This leads me to what I was saying earlier about how to approach this differently and put the burden on H. You've done enough. You don't know what more to try. H holds the solution and you're like Thomas Edison, learning 9,999 ways how not to make a light bulb [your R] work.

I think you might want to now consider (if you haven't already from your old threads on the other forum) turning all of the reins over to H. You give up. You haven't managed to earn his trust so please, H, pull back the curtain.

"You've done an effective job telling me all of the ways I'm screwing our R progress up with my actions/inaction. So what solutions do you have for our situation? Surely you have proactive solutions instead of always pointing out what isn't working? I'm running out of ideas."

"You haven't been in my truck for 2 years and we've been playing this truck switch game making everything that much more difficult and painful even when we do something as simple as going to the stupid airport. I'm tired of having all of this unspoken resentment over our heads. I want to know right now how you feel about this because I can't take it anymore. What would make you ride with me in my truck? Will you ever? Will you please just let out everything you're feeling over this and quit bottling it up? This has to stop. What do we need to do to get past this truck issue? Do we need to get rid of it or what??"

Thanks for the clarification on the bed issue. So it's not the bed itself but that he won't let you sleep with him. Sex, heck yeah. Sleep and cuddling? No way Jose. Sucks.

OK. I won't bash you with my unwieldy 6x6 over the hotel fiasco (too much heh) and, ahem, swiss cheese boundaries (relax, if it's Baby Swiss you're cool, teeny tiny holes)

I actually think once you made that move it was the right move for *you* as long as you followed it through. Ooops, came back home. Now H can pound you with it and make you feel bad since to him you coming back early was pretty much an admission by you that you felt you were wrong in doing this. Tsk tsk.

It's over and done with. But if he brings it up again here's what you might think to say had you stayed all night at the hotel and caught heat from him in the morning. When you came back I would have suggested a retort like this or similar

"What the F is the difference? What is the difference between me going to a nearby hotel and staying in a guest room and me being assigned to a guest room in our own home? I'll tell you. At least at the hotel, yeah, I had to pay for it, but at least the people there treat me with more warmth and respect than my own H. At least there I can sleep alone in a bed without feeling the constant shame of having to sleep in a sh!tty cluttered room unable to sleep because I have an ulcer from knowing that the man I love fills the house with his silent hostility and resentment towards me. Which would you choose?"

Now, as to the *love*. The detaching Heather quote I referenced earlier. Yes, it's becoming harder and harder to maintain these feelings understandably--so maybe even saying you love him is hard to do at the moment as seen in your own words:

You have to understand, I don't feel kind toward H. I barely love him anymore. I am only here because of our history and our kids. I want to make a new R with him, sort of start over and choose each other again. But there's very little about him that I would choose again. It is difficult for me to act like I love him and that I want to recommit under these circumstances......I just want to come to a place where we can both acknowledge that we are here for the kids, fine. Let's make the most of it. Let's try to make our R a priority and see where we can go. No promises, no guarantees. Killing him with kindness while he gets some smug satisfaction from causing me pain is practically more than I can bear for an extended time period.

- Ahhhh, and this is a crucial piece of information. Do you see? Heather, I think this is exactly what H fears the most. This is exactly why he is testing you so freaking hard with his abuse. Fs are much better at picking this stuff up in their SOs through intuition etc. but I have a strong inkling you are leaking out or giving off this above strongly worded/expressed loss of love for H vibe and he's subconsciously picking up on it.

This is the real b!tch with As. He's testing your commitment to him and remorse over the past yet doesn't realize what he's doing is pushing you further and further away. If you love someone set them free. Damned if that doesn't work nearly every time. It all goes back to that ATL Dave Schnarch rehash and LP's stuff.

Yes, you're both codependent. You're seeing the light. You're realizing I think that you have spent far too much time patterning your daily behavior around how it might afect H instead of looking inside and getting your inner compass fixed as to what Heather wants out of life H or no H.

He needs to realize this as well. Once you both accept that you choose or want to be with each other as healthy individuals instead of feeling like two needy people more scared or nervous to be without each other then the less codependent you will become.

2 people who have their inner selves together to the point of enjoying each other's company without actually depending on each other's company allow for that feeling of non-smothering personal freedom that not only makes one another more desireable but creates a harmony neither one would want to destroy via either leaving or going after an A.

Self-esteem. Love and respect yourselves. I've been there. At some point you have to start self-validating what makes you a good person while focusing on how you want your life to be before it's all over...

...spending far less time dwelling upon what your SO thinks of you and your R due to his/her own issues and how that reflects on your own perceived worth/value to him/her and the rest of the world.

The tricky part of all of this, Heather, is that if one person realizes this with the other stuck it will appear to the more needy/fearful stuck partner as though the one discovering more differentiation is pulling away and/or is losing the perceived "need" to have him/her around anymore to that all-consuming level the clingy insecure partner craves.

This is what I meant by killing H with kindness, Heather. No, don't give up your self-respect when he crosses the line...just pause when you feel the blood rushing to your face and that adrenaline anger wishing to retaliate. Others mentioned your deflectionn. Yes, you both are good at it. Use this skill to bat away his snide comment tests and potshots.

I've said before. He feeds off your anger. Tit for tat parries and exchanges...one upsmanships. Just put a stop to them. Starve his anger with love compliments to him or gestures. If you're not "feeling it" then just tell him "I think that was uncalled for" in a calm even tone.

A loving response might be:

"An *honest* woman? That's a whole other story..."

Heather: Hey. Come here. NOW. I want to tell you something.

H reluctant but Heather continues encouraging. "Come here, Grumpy. I want to tell you a secret."

And when he finally is right in front of you, you pull his head down and whisper, "I love you" in his ear and maybe try and sneak a playful kiss on the lips or ear. In other words, Heather, I'm just trying to say force yourself to deflect his snide comments in favor of keeping the mood light and positive--playful even--like those people you meet. We all know them. Nothing rattles them or kills their good mood--especially other people's negativity. Annoying, isn't it? They either instantly reframe the mood to positive and fun or they just refuse to engage with the crabbypants attacker and excuse themselves from their presence.

This gets back to what I suggested to hairdog as an angle with his W's remarks you may want to try out. Lillie has suggested replying with an unemotional "Oh." Which is fine in many cases but doesn't draw enough spotlight attention on the offending quip in your case, IMO.

You see, whenever OP slide these in at the end of comments or ambush you it's as if their inner negative dialogue suddenly pops out vocally...almost subliminally trying to go unnoticed. That's why I suggest whenever you hear this you forcefully grab it and put it up onstage in its fully naked humiliation.

"You don't even know what feeling bad is like."

Heather: "What did you say?"

H: "I said you don't even know what feeling bad is like."

Heather: "Oh, okay. That's what I thought you said to me. I wanted to make sure I heard you right."

Then make a slight disappointed frown while, importantly, leaving his presence. This is a respect gesture from you that if H cannot speak to you with civility and respect then he doesn't deserve an audience with you and he can just be by himself with his nasty comment hanging in the air. End of convo. Period.

Ugh, Tolstoy would chew my A$$ out right about now in Russian about the merits of brevity in writing while proudly pointing out his "tight, sparing, concise" work, Warr & Peace.

But lots of stuff going on here this past week of responses.

-Stigmata-

PS. It would be easy for me to encourage you to leave H after putting up with so much. But everyone knows that's always the final option. Pull the ripcord. Easy concept, yes. Not so easy to deal with the pain of the descent though. The codependence book, the sleeping together first time in 2 years, the interactions etc. all show H is at least inching forward. You don't want to D without accepting you have no regrets. Everyone in failed Rs end up with regrets they could have worked things out if only--you just try to limit them as much as possible.


PPS. koshka. Ah, yes, home brews are tasty if done right. Low alcohol? Ugh. Leave it to the O'Doul's and Sharps please. Love beer but without that added tinge of lightheadedness and relaxation the result after 3 bottles of the NA stuf is the feeling of stuffing a loaf of bread into 3 bottles, adding some carbonated H2O, sitting back, and watching that gut grow while thinking how the depressant efects of the real stuff would at least have taken away that new unpleasant bloated pinch from your waistband.