Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[Stigmata]

Heather-

Doing great kiddo. I read your background post a while back in terms of your family life and adolescence. You've dealt with a lot tougher things than measly anonymous BB opinions and I know you know this.

Betcha you can side kick a stack of these aforementioned 2x4s pretty handily with all that karate voodoo that you do. Hm, but can you handle me swinging a nasty 6x6? Kidding.

This beer issue. All I will say about this is I agree with you. I don't think it's the right time for this. If no A? Heck yeah, lay it on him if his beer drinking bothers you. The reason I side with you on this one is simply because you're okay with it at its current level. That and the fact that H dropped down from one hellacious habit to a six-pack or 2 with that crappy O'Douls mixed in for some good no-alcohol empty calorie fun--AFTER the A mind you.

I do believe my alcohol consumption actually increased exponentially after my discovery of the A to help me make the pain go bye-bye temporarily until my head stopped spinning. I'll say it again. A guy with that kind of former out of control habit not spiraling down to that point again or even worse after your A says a hell of a lot to me considering his current deep anger/resentment issues.

Is he? Isn't he? (alcoholic needing AA) Shrug. Seems to be maintaining and not setting a bad slurring/loss of control example in front of the kids. Soooo, maybe back burner and monitor; no use adding more gasoline to his A fire right now. AA will be hosting free meetings every week till the end of all known civilization unfortunately.

I also have a little diferent take on a few more things. Namely, about the codependence book and your guest room. Sure, he may be reading it to figure you out but something tells me he bought this book because he's trying to figure out why he feels so helpless in your R and why your R is unbalanced. He tried to hide it from you; this from a guy who scoffed at the self-help books if I remember. It seems he's not interested in judging you or getting you to read it as much as figuring his own sh!t out and why he feels so needy and powerless.

This is a good sign IMO. He knows it's not working his way and he's looking for answers.

Second. Anger toward you for wanting to put a door on the guest room, clean it up and put the computer in the attic. Sure, maybe just more contrarian punishment meted out, as you say, but I'm leaning to the belief that he is afraid if he *lets* you do these things you might actually start detaching from him via being more comfortable claiming that room as your own personal space. Sounds to me like it's kicking in his fear of abandonment if you become independent of him and he's not ready to have you as a roommate just yet. I don't think he wants you to get used to it and actually start enjoying it god forbid for you both.

I don't recommend this as it smacks of manipulation but if you were a Heather who found herself actually eventually detached from him--going all out cleaning out/decorating the guest room and calling it your bedroom and putting a door on it--I have a strong feeling he would start to panic. Doubt he's ready for that and still wants you to be his W. Judging from some recent comments in your post to me I've bolded later below it looks as if detached Heather is becoming more of a possibility than is W to H in your current frustration mind-frame.

This post is too long already so I'll address the quotes in the next post...

-Stigmata-