hey heather.

the BB wouldnt let me sign on on Thursday, apparently I didnt know my password.
Friday my post went into the interne-therlands. Like socks in the wash, I guess. Sunday my computer froze and I lost a ton of projects besides my third effort at a post... <grr> I decided it was a sign from god,to give up, or thats what I get for multi tasking the computer too hard.


For a warrior chick you sure have a lot of white Knights ready to charge, I mean type, to your rescue. hehe.


First I like that you still have Corris original post, to you, in mind. Thumbs up. I mentioned it in my previous posts, but you still have it in the back of your head. good nuff.
I didnt think your boundary of no kissing=no sex was swiss cheese. I didnt think it was DBing. But it was a real boundary. You have to weigh the pros and cons of it. It was your leaving the house in particular that was swiss cheese. But you know it, and its done with. so we learn and move on. Pesky emotions arent always to be trusted. especially the strong ones that make us JUMP to actions and conclusions.

a few of the statements that got me a little fired up. I am particularly sensitive to statements of opinion as though they are fact.
Most people are sensitive to topics they take personally.

This is a free advice BB. Im not going to say IMO 500x per post. Its a given.
Ask yourself why you allow yourself to get so fired up. This is an important thing to identify for yourself, and your M.

The main reason for my boundaries is to maintain my integrity. Whether or not resolution is reached. Ideally, I'd like both
Well the first thing you have to do is define your integrity then. Your H has a boundary. He will not ride in the truck. Yes he expected you to switch vehicles. You have a 'right' to change that implicit and allready implemented agreement, but springing it on him at the last minute, was P/A and had nothing to do with integrity. You said, (please dont make me quote you) it was because you didnt feel like it and didnt want to take the time and effort. Fine. Like I said, thats your 'right'.
if I were to make such a bad financial decision, I would be ruining *myself* out of shame and guilt. Because it seems to me that no one would make such a bad financial decision unless they were seriously beating themselves up
Thats one perspective. another is 'paying the price' for another bad decision. Ill repeat the truck is something you and your H need to discuss. Maybe he will suprise you. FWIW, I had my own imagary to fight when x and I reconciled. Urgh. I hate doing this. hopefully I get my point across.

it took me years to let x give me a BJ. The year before her A, I probably got more then the previous 7 years combined, cause I finally let go. Anyways, thats what she did with OM, in a hotel room full of her passed out friends.

So 1. There was no way I was letting her give me a BJ again (couldnt handle the imagary), after working at it for 7 years being back at ground zero bothered her for some reason.
and 2. when we ran into her friends, she blew them off and drug us out of there so fast, my head spun. (found out why later)

do I have a point. ah yes. Koshkas remark that he would get over it for the good of the M was ignorant.

---> side note. Koshka.

What you did was just provide Heather with rationalizations . Thats how I see it. How is it helpful? Why would you do that? Do you sabotage yourself by doing this with your SO? 2nd Her H made a boundary. Why would you countermand that? He hasnt required, demanded, or made any other statements about it to her, that I can remember. It was all about what he wasnt willing to do. <--

Heather, saying that is like saying the person having the A will get over the OP for the good of the M. You may have been able to, but you see how uncommon it is to happen quickly. Your emotions are all over the place and so are your H's, and he doesnt want them prodded, i.e the truck, and imagary. Personally my Testosterone levels went up almost 300 Ng/dl to over 800 when the affair started. It affected me profoundly (not my sex drive, that disappeared), and I was aware and tried to fight it. Most women have at the very most 75 ng/dl and freak out if you unnaturally double it to something as paltry as 100 ng/dl. We dont just get over this.

Back to the truck. here is one idea. find someone to transfer the vehicle over to, that will take over the payments left. You are no longer upside down, and they dont eat the depreciation. win/win. It will take effort. talk it over with your H. preface the convo with statements like, because our M is more important then the Truck. Because I do want to pick you up from the airport, I dont want this between us, etc.
Thats my last comment on the truck.

I'm just sick of his crap and I find it very difficult these days to try to think of ways to soothe him. I really think my give a damn is busted. That can't be good eh?

Im sure he is sick of your crap too.
Its not your job to soothe him. Its not his job to soothe you ...according to schnarch.
Here is your "job". Im gonna spell it out real simple, and try to give some examples.

Apreciate. Respect.
I mentioned to you before about complementing H on the progress he has made on his drinking. Often we get so focused on what WE think the goal should be, that we fail to see the huge jumps of progress that those close to us make.
For example, I tell my students what a great job they are doing. Positive reinforcment. Does that mean they are qualified to go out by themselves, or even at all into the open ocean. NO. But they make progress and they deserve 'respect' from me for there accomplishments. Your H has made huge jumps. Have you told him? take the time to say I really appreciate how much you have done for me and the kids (fill in the blank.. alcohol, etc) . all efforts like this follow a diminishing returns scale. And your H did it on his own, with no books, no 12 step program, just his own will power and strength. Is he an alcoholic? whats your definition. those with genetic predispositions and an addiction? You didnt say anything about him going thru a withdrawal stage when he chopped his usage. or is he rigidily habitual. Drinking beer and Odouls and going through his pacing habit to unwind. Im not going to diagnose him from my easy chair, drinking his 6 pack or 12 pack or whatever it is currently, that is far less then most Europeans staple diet . Yeah he has a realationship with it, and Ive no doubt that drives you nuts, feeling not in first place.
Like you said, you have bigger fish to fry right now.

So anyways I think it would be better if your give a damn did break, you wouldnt be so emotionally reactive at least. I think it would be good to remember, the fog you are in and the hypersensitivity you have applies to him too. I see both of you working at it.

If I am testing, it is entirely subconscious. no kidding. (sarcasm. I couldnt help that.) I just clash with intense egos. Why? Does it make you more? Is it something you respect/ admire/ want for yourself? Maybe because there's only room in my life for my own. I see another in your life Really though, I don't mean to give you the impression that I am testing you I know. dont worry about it.

I saved AltDaves post and have read it many times.

I should be taking the stance that we will be husband and wife or nothing at all.

No.
You should be taking the stance that you will focus on being a great wife. But you know this, because you just reference Corris post.

Thing is, I can't make that happen and I'm not prepared to leave

Ah this is very good.

I have no idea what his plans are,
They dont matter. Healthy behavior attracts healthy behavior.
He ignores me a lot when he comes home, particularly if he is mad at me, and it's really, really hurtful to me.
This is excellent. You feel something. Identify the feeling and then express it to your H honestly. There is nothing in that type of interaction that comes of a picking, nagging, or making demands of him in return. Your being honest with yourself, honest with him, open, despite your vulnerability and that is very attractive.


bully
you called me a name.

LMAO.

If thats what I have to do to get you to admit Im not trying to get you to self sabotage your own integrity, and needs then so be it. You do a lot of deflecting and externalizing. Your changing it I see it. Dont allow other people to let you slip back into it. You make quick progress when you see and feel something. Everything doesnt have to be on his terms. That doesnt mean you swing the other way and make them all on yours.

At this point, it seems I can't do what it will take. I think you can. I just dont see where you have been implementing it yet. or consistantly at least. you make a couple baby steps and then try to climb a cliff.
Simmer down, Your doing fine. slow down, walk a little, make sure those running shoes are still tied on.