Quote: I think one of your bigger demands should be for him to attend Alanon meetings. Let him know that he is without any doubt an alcoholic and he will have to undertake recovery at some point if the marriage is to survive. He may not go at first, but I think you should have it on your list.
Cobra, I usually agree with your advice, but think I'm going disagree with this a little-- with qualifications.
I think Heather should definitely go to alanon (for people who love alcoholics), but I don't think she should make any "demands" regarding her husband's drinking and certainly not a demand that he attend AA (which is for the alcoholics themselves). The decision to go to AA is very personal, and it has to come from the alcoholic him/herself.
I think Heather can say-- IF she can force herself to be this bold-- "I am going to alanon to help me deal with what happens to ME when you drink."
When I went to alanon, I was astounded to find that there were people there (usually women) who had been married to active alcoholics (still drinking heavily and getting drunk) for DECADES, and these partners had no intention of a) leaving or b) demanding that their partners get into recovery. This blew my mind!
What alanon does is get you focused on YOURSELF and your spiritual growth so that it is possible to live in any situation and take care of YOU. Sometimes your spiritual growth means that you do leave the R; sometimes not. And for every one of us who says "I would NEVER stay in a R with an active alcoholic," there is someone in alanon who would say, "*I* would never stay in a R where I didn't get any sex." To each his own form of torture, I guess.
When the family member starts getting between the A (alcoholic) and their booze and telling him what he NEEDS to do about his drinking, the family member becomes the Enemy, and the A starts blaming them for the bad feelings, the tension, etc. "If you would just leave me alone about my drinking, there wouldn't BE a problem! I don't have a problem with my drinking-- YOU do!" And, in a way, when the A says that, they're right. It IS the family member who has the problem.
So the family member has to get out from between the A and the booze and let the bad sh!t start falling on the A with no one to protect him. You just need to leave them alone in the pit with their bottle until life becomes unbearable for them... unbearable may constitute losing the R, losing a job, having a car wreck, financial catastrophe due to being drunk, and a whole spectrum of consequences. The partner needs to protect herself, but to stop protecting the A.
It needs to become very clear to the A that alcohol is his problem, not a nagging partner. Alanon will help the partner stay out of the A's business while still taking care of herself.
You are so right about the deflecting and the vagueness. It makes me nuts to read it and to realize that Heather thinks she's being specific... there's a lot of fog in that household.
(Excuse me for speaking of you in the third person, Heather...you need to clear some of the fog... you two are just going round and round and round...)
