Thank you for your replys, it feels good to hear from people who really understand what i'm going through. Well, here's the latest; This is day 2 of being deep, deep undercover my phone stays off 90% of the time. I am initiating no contact, and am trying to start a healing process. I am not really that devastated because in my heart I knew anyway. I think about it periodically but in a strange way i am relieved. Maybe that was the major stumbling block to our progress, in either direction. At this time I am slighty indifferent concerning the direction our marriage takes at this point. Ultimately, I would like this to work out but I do not want to harbor any false hopes. She did call today and I did not answer. She chose not to leave a message. I would really like to hear from someone I'm kinda lonely.
I have been a constant reader of this messageboard but until now have I decided to actually become apart of. I too have been on an roller coaster executing 180 and also being dim at times. But throught it all I keep coming to the realization that I can not let my emotions strangle me. I stick to my guns of DBing and remind myself to continue to move past my feelings and choose love again and again.
Since you already suspected your disappointing news remember that place in your heart that keeps you choosing to stay. Your indifference tone concerning your W and your R is understandable but don't stay stuck. Contining to ask for support is why we are all here. Especially those like myself who do more listening (reading) than posting.
I am as my namesake suggest (willing) therefore I remind you as I remind myself that willingness provides the energy for DB so don't hang your head and keep at it. Remember keep doing what works. You've been at this for a while and this may be the breakthrough you awaited.
Willing, Thank you for your concern and support. The timing and the content of your message is absolutely angelic. On that note, I was at my place of worship today in order to pray. For the last few days I have been praying asking God to help my wife refind the straight path and if it is within his will to allow us to be reunited as a family and provide us with the wisdom, strength, and insight to move forward. I asked him to remove any blemishes from my heart, as well as, hers. While I was in meditation of prayer I remembered that a couple of weeks ago my wife told me that she would start coming to our place of worship again on a regular basis ( it has been quite a while) then all of the sudden I felt that she was there. As I was in the process of leaving I looked out the window and I saw her car. I went outside and after about a minute my wife walks up; I told her I felt she was there and she asked if she could talk to me. So She told me she was there to ask God for forgiveness, and also to start establishing relationships with the sisters who frequent our place of worship. She also said that she wanted to eliminate some of the distancing I was doing ( blew me away when she used that term). She wanted to know how come I kept my phone off and wouldn't return her calls. I didn't answer, she went on to say that she felt as though I was leaving her and wanted her to go ahead and file for D. I still didn't answer. Then she asked about the phone again and i just couldn't be anything but truthful I told her that I needed time to start a healing process and to collect myself emotionally to insure that I would not say or do something that I would be sorry for or did not mean. Then I very briefly mentioned how i am aware of what far reaching implications my actions concerning this matter will have. She stated in so many words (and I do mean so many words) that she was willing to do what is necessary to move further down the path in the right direction. She also said that she knew I have the capability of forgiving her but would i ever forget. I didn't answer. She told me that she wanted me to be available to call, come by, or at least answer my phone when she calls. She then said in a somewhat probing fashion " it seems as though neither one of us wants a divorce since we haven't filed, so the question is where do we go from here". The conversation had to be broken off at that point due to time constraints and commitments. So thats where it stands. I feel that I must learn from the past and just because she says the right things not jump back into things as they were. I believe I have gotten enough messages and lessons to understand that the distancer will instinctively try to get the purser closer in order to feel comfortable and then begin the distancing thing all over again. But, all in all, what she did does show effort and some willingness. I would really like to hear what you guys think about what I have just shared. I value your opinions because they are objective and based in experience. peace
Mike, Prayers do work miracles especially when combined with good DBing efforts.In my case,St. Jude( the patron saint of lost causes) was significant source of help,too.
You are right to proceed with caution. Keep the lights on "dim"(keeping a calm and non- judgmental demeanor) until your wife has truly experienced her desire for you for a significant period of time.
You know, too well, what happens when you rush toward her...she backs off. As the distancer,you have the upper hand in the situ right now.Don't give up your place until she is solid in her desire to work things out.Please insist that she receive therapy from a "marriage oriented" therapist.
May God bless you and keep you safe on your journey!
I agree with both of you. I also think W came into the church cus she found you there. I also think she is trying to reel you back in. I still think she needs time to do things on her own. I would not jump back on the phone at this point either. I would still be veeery dim on her.
I think she will get real scared if she sees you moving further away from her. Time to shake her up a bit. Keep in mind she had at least 2 affairs. This is not the actions of a caring, committed spouse. She has some work of her own to do. Don't releive her of this responsibility.
It looks like the distancing works for you Mike. Now develop different techniques using this dynamic. When ya find a tool that works well and ya get used to using it, ya begin to figure out other ways to apply it.
Something else in your post stinks like a skunk and I figured out what it is. ******************************************** She also said that she knew I have the capability of forgiving her but would i ever forget. ********************************************
How does she know that you can forgive her. I'll bet your not even that sure. This comment was presumptious on her part and it looks like another attempt to control your behavior. Don't let my words pull you down. Think about them from two aspects.
1. W surfs this board and is reading your stuff. It would explain the forgiveness comment.
2. She is trying to reel you back into more of the same old situation as she likes eating cake.
Kent
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THANKS JENNY AND KENT, guess who showed up at the store today, yup, my W. She wants to know how come i didn't call her last night. Can you believe that! I told her simply because i have a life and I'm still dealing with some issues concerning my feelings about my discovery. she said some things and to make a long story short I firmly believe that she is trying to get things back to a comfortable spot. I had to resume writing this post because she just came back again 2 hours later to explain what she had explained earlier. I am convinced that it will be necessary that i maintain distance or we will be right back in the same spot. I've got to go, check you guys later!
Keep cool Mike...stay "dim"! Don't let her lure you back in to an old pattern that has not worked out for you.She must really believe she has you "under control" with her manipulative behavior.She needs some time to really feel the consequences of her behavior and to value you and the marriage above all else.
Encourage her to get some individual therapy from a "marriage oriented" therapist.
Mike,one thing I don't understand is how, (if she is so overwhelmed with school,the kids,the housework etc,)in the world does she find the time for "affairs"?
How long have you two been maried? Is there a significant age difference between the two of you or cultural/ethnic differences?
You continue to have the upper hand don't jump back in to the frying pan prior to her making some changes. Do you have a counselor, Mike.
It sounds like this marriage has a good chance of making it,but you both need some help to set it on the right course.
JENNY, the answers to your questions are: one of the affairs was work related and the other was a __ night stab.. er..stand. We have been married for 6 years and plutonic friends and business partners for 2 years prior to that. I am 47, she is 32. Prior to this post she called me and stated that she would go to back to counseling, this time with a true pro marriage counselor. I suggested Michele and her people, she agreed. She also said that when ever i am there to feel free to answer the phone because she wants it to be clear she has nothing to hide. She stated that these incidents happened just before and early in the separation and were and are truly over. She also said that she is going to give me a key to the house to prove that she is for real and as preparation for us moving back in together. I know that my job is as you say to stay cool and let her take these steps as opposed to just talking about them. Jenny you may have been right about the discovery possibly being positive. Could it be that she has really hit bottom with her behavior and our struggles? Or is it possible that the stress of keeping the secrets was instrumental in keep her in flux? Whad da ya think?
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Mike, She is only at bottom if you allow it to be bottom. Glad she agreed to C sessions. See if she follows thru. Don't ya find it amazing how she justifies her imoral actions. You are doing greeeeat! keep up the distancing a bit. It's like a dance. Two steps forward, one step back, then mix it up and take three back.
Hi Mike! Experts agree that the "secrecy", surrounding affairs- both EA and PA, is compelling and attractive.Once things are "out in the open" these activities are seen for what they truly are ...sordid and inappropriate.They lose their appeal! Yes,your wife may have hit bottom and this is good. Unfortunately, this may have been what she needed to really make a sincere effort at restoring your marriage. She needs to do some work in therapy to earn back her position with you.Her behavior seems erratic at best and she seems to experience mood swings. There is a sense of immaturity/irresponsibility in her actions.In other words,she is a troubled woman who needs some psychological help in sorting things out.Otherwise,this pattern may repeat itself.Mike you need to handle this carefully,too, by not throwing it up in her face. Follow DBing principals,read the book again. I suggest you get the book "After the Affair" as it will provide insight into what both of you are bound to experience emotionally. This will not be easy as you both are wounded. Take it one day at a time and continue to avoid active pursuing. With time,patience and love your marriage can be better than ever.
Jenny
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