I’m glad you posted that Alanon comment because I as going to as well.
Heather,
You are falling back into your defensive mode of finding one excuse after another why you can’t do this or that. He does the same. You are still deflecting, deflecting, deflecting. You two like to dance with each other, throwing out generalities that can’t pin either of you down and that keep you both from having to make any progress.
It's countless other things that have happend over the months and continue to happen that makes him sure I am not 'committed' to him.
Do you know EXACTLY what he wants from you to feel you are committed? Do you know EXACTLY what you want from him? I think you need to get past these generalities and develop a list of specific, identifiable, measurable things each of you can do to prove you are each moving forward. So far all you both do is wiggle out of accountability, deflect and turn around the argument with “yeah, buts” and go absolutely nowhere.
I think you need to schedule an appointment to talk. Make time for several hours. Negotiate a list of wants for each of you. Make the list as specific, realistic and measurable as possible. Let him list EVERYTHING he wants. Don’t allow him to have the future “yeah,but” excuse that he wanted to list more but he didn’t in order to compromise. That will just be a future deflection. Let him know that you are now putting EVERYTHING on the table.
So what do you want from him? Don’t say you want him to be nice, accepting, or to sleep with you. Those things require him to process his anger and are further down the road. Start with the small things like moving the PC to the attic (why the H do you need his permission anyway?). I think one of your bigger demands should be for him to attend Alanon meetings. Let him know that he is without any doubt an alcoholic and he will have to undertake recovery at some point if the marriage is to survive. He may not go at first, but I think you should have it on your list. I think you should also demand a return to joint counseling (this means setting aside a significant part of your budgets for increased frequency).
What will you give him? You have agreed to giving up the truck. That is a good step (even though I don’t think it is truly necessary). What else can you do that is specific, identifiable, measurable and can be done in a short period of time? Let him write down what he wants. Don’t take any crap from him on generalities like “He’ll know it when he sees it.” This whole thing is about ACCOUNTABILITY. Negotiate then draw up the list of wants for each of you, with time deadlines, then both sign it.
Don’t worry about consequences for failure of meeting a goal. Just keep notes on the progress and when the objective was reached, if it was reached at all. This will take away his ammunition of saying you are not doing anything, or that you have not hurt enough. You allow him to set completely nebulous demands, then get mad at him because you can never reach them, but really you should be mad at yourself for agreeing to engage in something which you can never win. Why would you undertake a journey that has no stated path, no objective, no deadline, no reward? So if you are going to play this game, the very least you can do is to make him accountable. Otherwise go put down your retainer for a lawyer.
