Quote: For some reason, I feel about this [alanon] the way I felt about counseling before my A. Like it is somehow a negative thing. I don't want to do anything that would make me lose credibility with H and I feel like AlAnon at this stage would do that. He would be confused about 'why now?' and I'm afraid I don't have any answer for him. He would see it as me holding on to past issues.
Excuse me, but this is pure B.S.
Alanon would help YOU. You do it for you, not for him. So what if he's confused? So what if you lose credibility with him? So what if he sees you as holding onto past issues? So what if he has ANY reaction at all-- or none? Heather, I'm callin' you on this: 100 percent crap! And not even good quality crap at that! Just listen to yourself! Geez....
I admit that I was uneasy about telling my bf that I was going to alanon back when, but it let him know that I took his drinking seriously, and that I wanted to help MYSELF deal with it.
I suggest you stop tippytoeing around and worrying so much about how your H reacts to every little thing you do, say, or think. THAT, my dear, is codependency... when you don't know where you end and he begins.
Go to alanon. And keep going. If you don't like the first group you go to, keep going until you find a group you like. Don't speak at the meetings-- just listen for the first few weeks or months. Personally, I went for a couple of years, at one period as often as three times a week, and I never said anything out loud. But I got something out of every single meeting.
You aren't doing this for him; it's for you. "Heather" is lost in this relationship. You must find her and befriend her. SHE is disappearing, fading, DYING...
If he asks why you are going to alanon say one or more of the following (notice that none of these statements says anything about him or even mentions him):
I don't know. I think it might help me feel better about myself. I've heard it's a place where you can really find peace. It comes highly recommended. I'm curious about it. It's free. I'm interested in spiritual growth. It's something I want to do for myself. I've been reading about it, and it sounds neat. I've heard that it really helps people who want more serenity in their lives. I think I can learn something there.
I'm sure you can think up a few hundred more that have nothing to do with him.
