Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

GEL, I appreciate you taking the time to come by and give me your perspective. I see that there is probably a difference between stopping sex in the middle and flat out refusing to have it. I guess I'm just skipping a step b/c I know H will not kiss me. So, rather than get myself all worked up and then have to stop, I just cut to the chase. Ok, there's a touch of sarcasm there, but really, I still stand by my decision. It's what feels right to me. Well, let me rephrase that, because none of these shenanigans feel 'right' to me.....but in light of the way things have to be, stopping sex feels the 'rightest' decision for my self-respect.

Cobra, thanks so much for your last few posts to me. You seemed to have softened toward me somehow and I appreciate it.

Cobra: Consistently, firmly and calmly press this point, asking for explanations on ALL statements he makes and looking for understanding of any inconsistencies. Don’t let him get away with this deflection.

This is definitely something I need to work on. I am always WAY to quick to speak and don't spend nearly enough time asking questions, listening, validating and trying to understand. This doesn't just happen with H, so I know it's my problem. I have noticed it is harder with H though because the things he says usually seem so ridiculous meant just to deflect or throw me off track. This makes it all the more important to keep on track and make him clarify. Asking questions is the best way to do that. I should start practicing with other people since I don't get to talk to H much. If I wait for my encounters with him in order to practice, I could still be a novice 10 years from now

Blackfoot: You say BS, and then you agree with me. <cocked eyebrow> Hmmm.

My response was confusing! I agreed with your idea that I want resolution to conflict and then I qualified my agreement with a 'but' statement. BUT, trying to force conflict resolution was not the main reason for my most recent boundaries, i.e. swiss cheese . The main reason for my boundaries is to maintain my integrity. Whether or not resolution is reached. Ideally, I'd like both

Blackfoot: I see that my post(s?) have made you angry. Dont take them personal, if thats what happened.

It wasn't the whole post, just a few of the statements that got me a little fired up. I am particularly sensitive to statements of opinion as though they are fact. You seem very adept in doing that.

Blackfoot: learn to soften your H's defenses, instead of make him want to strengthen them.

It does seem that this should be my goal, I know. I read something GEL wrote and she said 'my give a damn was busted'. I think that's the case with me as well. I'm just sick of his crap and I find it very difficult these days to try to think of ways to soothe him. I really think my give a damn is busted. That can't be good eh?

Blackfoot: I want to assist you, Im not just here to amuse myself by passing your silly tests.

I'm very appreciative for your assistance, hopefully I've not let my defensiveness get in the way of communicating that. Tests...hmm. I can honestly say I don't know what you're talking about. If I am testing, it is entirely subconscious. I just clash with intense egos. Maybe because there's only room in my life for my own. Really though, I don't mean to give you the impression that I am testing you. I do not presume that I am nearly important enough to anyone here to have to jump through hoops just to give me the advice I myself have solicited.

Blackfoot: Schnarch is great IMO. (Yes Ive read him.) but I see when and where people use self improvement and boundaries like ALt dave discussed in his post on cobras thread today. They actually are using it to break the R. <Hand raised> I did this. More pain then I could handle.

It is so ironic that you mentioned this because I think I read the post that you are referring to and I thought to myself "That makes so much sense!" Are you talking about where AtlDave talked about anxiety and setting boundaries and how if you feel anxiety then the boundaries are probably not for the right reasons? I'll make sure we are on the same page before I comment further.

So it may be the best thing financially to keep the truck, but affairs carry a very very HIGH price with them....Financially affairs ruin many people.


Yes, you're right. But if I were to make such a bad financial decision, I would be ruining *myself* out of shame and guilt. Because it seems to me that no one would make such a bad financial decision unless they were seriously beating themselves up.

Blackfoot: But part of your price to pay may be you having to switch vehicles occasionally. I dont see the big deal. My x and I switched constantly. it wasnt hers and mine they were ours.

You can't compare to you and your x here. The circumstances were different because no one was trying to control anyone else. In certain cases, I would probably be fine about switching vehicles....but only if I knew it was occurring because I wanted it to. Not because it was expected of me and if I didn't do it H would be 'mad' at me. I'm not playing that anymore.

I said: H ignored me, made a snotty remark to the kids "I guess Mommy didn't have time to pick me up".
Blackfoot said: This is a suprise? His wife didnt come get him from the airport. Yeah thats definitely a withdrawal.

No, his immaturity is not a surprise after this long. Surprise or no surprise, it is still irresponsible and immature to address it in front of the kids, especially to change the story into 'not having enough time'. It wasn't about not having time! It was because he wouldn't ride in my truck.

I said: Everything from here on out will not be on H's terms, even if it would theoretically make the M better. Giving someone whatever they want always makes them happy in the short term.
Blackfoot said: If you honestly think I suggest or want you to operate this way.... my communication is terrible, or your not very sharp. I dont belive either one.

Blackfoot, don't try to bully me by telling me that the only two options here are that you can't communicate or that I'm stupid. I wasn't driving at either of those two points and yet, there is a third option if you can believe it, which is what I really meant. You have said before that my boundaries are fake, which I have taken to mean that you think I 'should' be doing the opposite of what I am doing in those instances. I don't feel that my boundaries are fake and my point is that I can either act upon how *I* feel (and implement my boundaries) or I can give H what he wants even though it makes me feel like crap.

I said: You wanna be roomates? I'll give you roomates. You wanna be husband and wife? I'll give you that too. He needs to decide.
Blackfoot said: Very reactive. Not differentiated. Your giving him power over you, in an area that he isnt asking for.

Good point. I should be taking the stance that we will be husband and wife or nothing at all. Thing is, I can't make that happen and I'm not prepared to leave. So, in light of that, what are my options?

Blackfoot: Your an interesting warrior chick, but thats not why I am here.

Picture Beevis and Butthead saying "hehe, hehe...cool". I have no idea why that popped into my head, but it did Anyway, warrior chick. Wow, I think I like it.

Blackfoot: Have you put together a plan yet?

Quite simply, no. I have no excuses.


Blackfoot: what are your ideas for being nice to each other?

I have no idea what his plans are, but one of the things I need to work on is greeting him when I see him, instead of just greeting the kids. He ignores me a lot when he comes home, particularly if he is mad at me, and it's really, really hurtful to me. So, I started doing it in return. Bad, bad, I know. I'm going to stop. That's my only idea for now.

I have a lot more to respond to. Tomorrow is another day. Thanks.