Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[Stigmata]

Hi, Heather,

Been lurking a bit on you and just wanted to give you a thumbs up on your very evident shift to stop enabling behaviors that weren't working in the past in favor of standing up for your integrity without falling into your ever so ingrained pattern of losing anger control. Glad you see now how H pushes your buttons.That's his temp job right now. He's an involuntary contrarian. On autopilot until he can heal from his A resentment.

Heather: H, the sky is blue.

H: No it isn't.

Heather: Yes it is.

H: If you say so. Whatever. You're always right after all.

I gave him a book when he had his tonsils out, passing it off as 'if you get bored.....' it was a book called Back from Betrayal. The woman who wrote it was betrayed by her husband and she told their story of how they worked things out. He put it back on my shelf unread.

- Ouch. Right thought, wrong book. Maybe a book about an H whose W betrayed him he would have read post haste...not other way around. Call it the Tim Allen oo-ooo-oo bonding thing. Sure he prob. didn't care what the W thought in her F mind about her H's cheating.

H has trouble looking at me/my eyes when we talk.

- That's because he's an escapist. Escapists don't like to confront themselves or to be cornered. Alcohol does wonders allowing the brain to do this by the way.

I notice how much better I feel after we talk, it affects me drastically. H has made comments snidely 'Oh, you're feeling nicer because we had a *talk* last night', or 'Glad it makes you feel better, it doesn't make me feel better'.

- Nope. He's a broken record on this and how you feel compared to how he feels. Not until he "sees" that one big thing to show him you are commited to him and have proven your remorse. I'll give you a hint. It has 4 wheels and is sitting out in your driveway right now.

OK. This brings me to what I will call Mexican Standoff and Big Purple Elephants.

I know you must be sick and tired of the whole truck and marital bed issue. Don't blame you. Aggravating for sure. But Heather I don't see your sitch moving forward nicely until you both finally acknowledge the fact that there are 2 huge purple elephants standing in your house blocking your paths. One is that truck. The other one is the bed. The negatively charged cloud of the truck hangs over H's head. The similar cloud in terms of the bed issue hangs over yours. Both are rarely uttered or even acknowledged as both parties are afraid of the inevitable angry words once its brought up.

The resultant forecast is an atmosphere of negativity and R disharmony.

No matter how much progress you feel you both are making or the small moments of happiness interspersed in day to day interactions...the fact is these clouds are always there to keep that mutual R-hampering resentment firmly entrenched.

Here's my Mexican Standoff part.

For whatever reason you seem to control the truck; it's apparently yours to do with what you will. H feels he cannot be the one to decide what is to be done with the truck, how, or when. Hm, OM cooties in there somewhere he apparently feels for whatever reason.

Ah. I'll see your truck and raise you one marital bed. That's better. Something he can control now to fight back. Mexican Standoff. At least those are the 2 big elephants I see needing removed from your immediate R.

I know. I know. What's the big deal over a kiss in a truck? Sheesh. Well, as I said way way back, H isn't handling his punishment of you very well because he is so inexperienced in Rs and Fs since you were both so young and he's a bit of an recluse. So his maturation in that dept. is a little stunted to the point of still treating you as many of us have treated our bratty sisters when they were bad to us growing up as teens. As immature as it seems the truck is a big symbol of the A and I think it's removal will do wonders--as much as I am personally loathe to encourage that.

In my sitch the A was, as I have said, a bit more extreme. I can just picture myself walking with x into the OB GYN's office. Um, yes, doctor, we are here because I would like to exchange this vagina in for a brand new one. I won't touch it. Thankfully I gained control of not letting symbolism and OM cooties have complete power over me.

I hate to see you have to do something so senseless and otherwise avoidable, Heather, but how much is your peace of mind and peace of the R worth? I have some ideas for you to approach H with if you're interested. He's really good at finding negatives in your approaches. It involves getting him to offer up solutions of his own.

Lastly. This alcohol issue. First, I like that he is friendly and not angry with you nor has ben violent in this regard. To me this is huge. It lowers his inhibitions and, hey, look, he's an easygoing guy under there while he's drunk and not some angry black cloud of rage looking to punch a few women due to his unresolved issues.

Quite an former consumption history. And drinking all day and not eating until 1 a.m. will seriously mess with your blood sugar and brain chemistry in a not good way. Make you unbalanced.

I think if he can maintain his drinking as you say without getting to the point of his behavior being affected via being drunk (esp. around the kids) that's fantastic. And voluntarily mixing in the O'Douls tells me he is not doing this for him but for you and the family's benefit. That stuff is just as expensive as the real stuf and any beer drinker will tell you he/she doesn't see the cost-benefit ratio here. Beer ain't that danged tasty.

As to my escapist comment. I feel there is a very very loud and extremely negative constant stream of inner dialogue going on in your H. Booze helps him to shut it up and let his good guy out. It's as if this voice sits in harsh judgment of both him and you and points out every single negative he can massage out of any situation/interaction and whispers in his ear: "Punish her, H. Punish her for that. Remind her how much we hurt."

Getting your reactive anger controlled is beautiful. It used to set you all the way back to square one. Now you gotta start finding ways to kill H with kindness.

I might start by asking something like:

"H. What does this truck represent to you? Tell me exactly point by point why you will not ride in it. Oh, I see. If that's how you feel I appreciate your honesty and I respect your feelings. So tell me what you think we should do with this thing so we can finally let go of all the past negatives and focus on the positives as a sign of our commitment to one another and our future together as a family?"

-- And if he seems to not want to decide you'd have to suggest something like, "would it make you feel better if I got rid of the truck? I'll do that if you help me find a way to get the most we can for it. Will you help me?"

Anyway, this allows you to still involve him and respect his judgment even though you are asserting yourself to be the one to offer the solution in the latter example.

Be well, heatherg. Here's to both of you losing the purple elephants so the standoff will finally one day end.

-Stigmata-