As I read through your responses I see nothing but deflection after deflection. Remember how we kept hounding Mojo, calling her out on inconsistencies and asking for further explanation? That’s how I think you need to approach your H – from a standpoint of ignorance, trying to understand his logic (if there is any).
I will ask H that. Last time he mentioned C, he said he wasn't going back until he 'sees something from me'. I don't expect to get straight answers from him, but I will ask.
You might lay out some of the things you have done and are doing and ask if he has noticed (to which he will probably say no). Build you case systematically and ask how you are to get credit for the things you have done if he does not have the ability to see them. His own requirement is based on two things – you changing and him be ABLE to see those changes. Tell him you need a counselor to objectively evaluate what is going on and the improvements made. You will not allow him to be the sole presiding judge.
I have not suggested it, no. He has told me he doesn't like self-help books. He gave some reason about people taking what the books say as gospel and it actually ends up creating more problems than there were to begin with.
Press this issue too. If he hasn’t read any books, how can he make that statement? Ask him point blank what he is afraid of? Is he afraid he might find out something needs to be changed with him (which is the real reason he avoids counseling and the books)? Consistently, firmly and calmly press this point, asking for explanations on ALL statements he makes and looking for understanding of any inconsistencies. Don’t let him get away with this deflection.
H has trouble looking at me/my eyes when we talk.
Each time you talk to him tell him to look you in the eye. When he looks away, stop and tell him to look at you again. If you do not maintain eye contact, he will go into his fantasy world and start building reasons for his anger rather than truly listen to you. It is another form of deflection. Do not speak to him unless he is looking you in the eye. If he cannot do this, then ask him why and what is he afraid of? Hold your boundary on this.
As far as his drinking goes, yeah, it now definitely sounds like he’s an alcoholic. To his credit he is tying to improve, but I think Lil and others have more experience than I with this subject.
