Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

What will it take to get the two of you back into counseling ASAP and at a higher frequency, say at least once a week (just for a month or so)?

I will ask H that. Last time he mentioned C, he said he wasn't going back until he 'sees something from me'. I don't expect to get straight answers from him, but I will ask.

Have you suggested he read any books?

I have not suggested it, no. He has told me he doesn't like self-help books. He gave some reason about people taking what the books say as gospel and it actually ends up creating more problems than there were to begin with. I've told him that I read the books sort of like poetry....some things speak to me and some things don't. I make up my own mind. I gave him a book when he had his tonsils out, passing it off as 'if you get bored.....' it was a book called Back from Betrayal. The woman who wrote it was betrayed by her husband and she told their story of how they worked things out. He put it back on my shelf unread.

You need to find ways to talk. The answers he gives you are NOT important. Expect him to say “No” to everything. Just keep talking. He needs to vent (as do you), so that will take some time. Only then will some of those “No” responses change to “Maybe.”

Thanks Cobra, this is good advice. It really doesn't matter so much what is said right now does it? It would be an improvement if we could just look each other in the eye and speak of anything regarding our R. Probably even anything not regarding our R even. H has trouble looking at me/my eyes when we talk.

In my situation, after each such talk, my W and I were usually on better terms (at least for a while) since we both felt heard.

I notice how much better I feel after we talk, it affects me drastically. H has made comments snidely 'Oh, you're feeling nicer because we had a *talk* last night', or 'Glad it makes you feel better, it doesn't make me feel better'.

About his drinking. I am confused on exactly where this stands. You say you hate his drinking and how he acts. But then you said he doesn’t drink that much, only a six pack over two weeks. If he drinks it all at one or two sittings, then I can see some problems, but if its only one beer at a time, I can’t see how it would “transform” him. I suspect the angry behavior you dislike is there regardless of whether he drinks or not.

H used to drink 6 nights a week, up to 18 beers at a time. Never liquor, just beer. He would stay up until all hours, stumbling and slurring his words. I've seen him urinate in places you're not supposed to only to have him justify it as sleepwalking. He's crawled into bed drunk with his sister. He's puked on the floor at a friend's. He's passed out in various places around the house. He's fallen asleep with frozen pizzas in the oven when I wasn't home, get home and the outside of the oven is black because there is smoke rolling out of it. Those instances are the worst, he didn't do stupid things like that every week, but he did consistently drink the same amount for years and years. He slowly started to cut back and just last year cut back from twice a week and 12 beers at a time to twice a week and 6 regular beers and however many O'Douls at a time.
The worst is definitely behind him I think. H does not get angry when he's drinking, he gets friendlier. I am much more inclined to approach him after he's had a couple drinks than I am any other time. So, I didn't hate it because he was meaner to me. I hated it becaues I couldn't stand seeing him so disgustingly drunk and because I couldn't stand how important it was to him. He would literally not go anywhere the nights he drank. His nights were Mon, Wed and Fri for the longest time and he doesn't eat dinner those nights until 1am or so and would never go anywhere. Since we had kids, he goes places now on those nights and just starts drinking later in the evening and his nights are only Mondays and Fridays now. He cared more about his R with alcohol than he ever did about his R with me. That is what bothered me the most and it just occurred to me in a post I was responding to by MrsNops.
I still have a lot of unresolved feelings about my past with H. That is part of what frustrates me so about his angry, selfish behavior. I know what I did was hurtful. And here I go, doing what MrsNops would say is justifying my A. *But*, despite all the hurtful things I've had to endure, very little of which he's acknowledged, he acts as though his pain is the only thing that matters in our R. My wrongdoing and his pain. Nothing else counts, nothing else matters, nothing else justifies, there's nothing else to talk about. Now, go to sleep in the guest room you horrible wife, you don't deserve a normal life after what you've done.