Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

yes you gave him a choice. But he has allready said prior to that he is not riding in that truck. So you were not really giving him a choice. You were trying to force a conflict/resolution out of the situation.

BS. Of course I want resolution to the conflict and like most other human beings, I'd like it to be my way. But that's not the ultimate goal of what I did. Did you read my post above, where I said I know H well enough to know that if hes says he isn't going to ride in my vehicle again, then I know he means it? Did you see that? Well, there you go. But I want him to know that my behavior will be dictated by what *I* feel is right. I won't be expected to play by his rules even if I don't agree with them. My main goal is to preserve my integrity and gain some respect, even if it is only my own respect. Maybe H will end up hating me. I am prepared to end in D.
If I could trade in my truck with a somewhat reasonable transaction, I would. There may be some of you out there who feel that 10 grand is a small price to pay for putting the truck issue behind me. I'm not there, I make good money but by no means am I wealthy. Nor stupid enough to throw away that kind of money. For crying out loud, that kind of money could seriously boost the kids' college fund or countless other things. So, that is past discussion, at least for me. Feel free to leave your opinions, that's why I'm here. I will try to sell it to a third party, but I don't expect much luck with that. So, for now, the truck stays.

You didnt say why you couldnt take the other vehicle to work to avoid all the extra driving/switching... unless it was you didnt feel like it. Ok. thats fine. so from his perspective, he was gone for a few days and you dont care about him enough to pick him up from the airport.

I said in my post above that I didn't take the other vehicle to work because I didn't want to. If he doesn't want to ride in my vehicle and he wants to drive, we take his truck. I get in and I'm ok with it. But don't expect me to switch vehicles, drive his for the day, etc. He is free to choose his own behavior, he is *not* free to choose mine. If I allow him to choose my behavior, I will hate him. I guarantee it.

I understand you would prefer if he were proactive and told you he wanted you to sell your truck, etc. But maybe from his viewpoint he is being differentiated (even if he doesnt know that term) by not telling you what to do.

This is an assumption on your part and it's wrong. The last thing I need is for him to *tell* me to sell my truck. It's better that he leaves it alone. I've talked to dealers on three different occassions now and I get the same story each time. You have to realize that my vehicle was only 4 months old at the time of m A.

he took a cab home, he took care of himself. He doesnt seem to have a problem with that option when it is required of him.

Do you read my posts? I picture you being the person who can't wait to speak, so that they don't even listen to what you are saying. Have you read at all that I said H ignored me, made a snotty remark to the kids "I guess Mommy didn't have time to pick me up". He would not greet me Blackfoot. How is that 'not having a problem' with taking care of himself? Do you understand that he expects me to take care of myself as well? I am not going to go on and on. We both take care of ourselves. We are roomates and that is what roomates do.

be proactive yourself, and ask him if he has any suggestions on what could be done to resolve the vehicle issue.

Good idea, thanks.

Its 'time' to do what needs to be done. When you do that, things will move forward.

I agree with you. The disagreements lie in *what* needs to be done. I feel a need to preserve my self respect right now and that's what I'm doing. I will not be jerked around forever becaues I made a horrible mistake. It's like being in prison where you wake up every day, instantly reminded of the worst thing you ever did. Everything from here on out will not be on H's terms, even if it would theoretically make the M better. Giving someone whatever they want always makes them happy in the short term. But what about the long term?

What are you doing to reign in your behavior to prevent yourself from constantly testing him, for his strength?

Blackfoot, I don't think I'm testing him. I'm just letting him actually live the life he says he was living already, saying he doesn't ask anything from me and is fine with the state of our R as it is. Well, the fact is, he asked a lot from me. Every time I refuse to give him his way, it is an indication that he *is* asking things of me. And the way he acts when he doesn't get his way is an even further indication that he *expects* things of me. If you wanna talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk. You wanna be roomates? I'll give you roomates. You wanna be husband and wife? I'll give you that too. He needs to decide. I'll work on making myself the best option, but I won't sacrifice myself to make myself 'appear' to be the best option. I think Sheila said it best when she said you shouldn't have to break your back or your spirit to be loved by your parnter. I agree.

I will admit I pushed your buttons pretty hard so we could finally have this conversation.

You don't have to push my buttons to have a conversation with me. If you think I like to go toe to toe, I suppose I do when I feel the need. But you don't have to put me there just to talk to me.