I gave him a choice. Ride in my truck or take a cab. I didn't take the other truck to work today because I didn't want to, quite simply. I wasn't asked if I would switch trucks and come pick him up. It was expected. I'm not trying to escalate

yes you gave him a choice. But he has allready said prior to that he is not riding in that truck. So you were not really giving him a choice. You were trying to force a conflict/resolution out of the situation.

You didnt say why you couldnt take the other vehicle to work to avoid all the extra driving/switching... unless it was you didnt feel like it. Ok. thats fine. so from his perspective, he was gone for a few days and you dont care about him enough to pick him up from the airport. shrug... who knows.





I understand you would prefer if he were proactive and told you he wanted you to sell your truck, etc. But maybe from his viewpoint he is being differentiated (even if he doesnt know that term) by not telling you what to do. He is stating what he is not willing to do. And watching and waiting to see if you will do what needs to be done. In fact he says that.

he took a cab home, he took care of himself. He doesnt seem to have a problem with that option when it is required of him. In fact he snaps right into it whenever there is a problem, and draws what he considers to be his family/dependants around him and take care of them as well. Which would be a reference to your kids. Very differentiated of him. He doesnt ask you for much does he? Very differentiated of him.

being differentiated can be used for the breakup of a R just as well as it can for self improvement. Its all perspective of the person receiving and the person delivering the attitude. Instead of waiting or trying to force him to be proactive about it why dont you ask him what he thinks... be proactive yourself, and ask him if he has any suggestions on what could be done to resolve the vehicle issue. This is an outline for future conflicts.



telling him I was glad he was home, etc. It seems to have worked, as we are getting along now good

If I told you I had an A because I wanted H's attention, which may be somewhat true, would you say that's a differentiated stance?

I heard this somewhere before.... oh yeah my x.
I told her something along the lines of it was pathetic and needy and her inability to control her perspective and her emotions was pretty scary considering she wanted to have kids. and if she thought OM really loved her then it was selfish and unkind to use OM like that. I told her if she tried to bring her biological drivings and try to rationalize them with me and lie about her confusion that she could go talk to the wall and save her breath and my time.

This was one of our fights during reconcil where she pointed a finger at me.... and I proceeded to nail her to the floor all while having a perfectly calm voice, and true statements. I had absolutely no care how it affected her emotionally. I let her deal with her own problems.

Pretty differentiated of me wouldnt you say?
I gurantee my x would say that I am really really differentiated.

I doubt that made her feel valued, cherished, understood or cared for though. What do you think?


The truth is in my pain I got angry and I was unable to control it, and verbally hashed and slashed (which is apparantly worse the physically doing it according to many women) at someone who already had tremendous guilt for succumbing to someone to OM who assaulted her defenses at very basic levels, while I stood by and provided no protection.
I can tolerate a lot of pain. But when my threshold is crossed (emotional or physical) I cant control the anger that comes next. The thresholds are too high to effectively practice getting over it.

Back to you.
So no its not differentiated.

But if you read Lils post to me In Cobras thread Im sure youll see that you felt many of the things listed on the positive side of the differentiation equation towards your H during that time. Plus Ive seen it and heard it often enough from people having them.

I personally would just like to acknowledge that although that's how things are now, I want to work on making them better.

Dont 'want to'. YOU do what you know needs to be done. Its not even that important to your H that it is verbalized what needs to be done. He will see and respond to the actions.


But* it's time to either move forward or get out.

Its 'time' to do what needs to be done. When you do that, things will move forward. It takes time to get over a injury this serious. You dont get to place a deadline on your H's pain. You can take action, and make statements that may reign in his behavior when its hurtful.
What are you doing to reign in your behavior to prevent yourself from constantly testing him, for his strength? You do this alot. Much of it does come from your FOO.

You can parse your metaphors any way you want, and please expect the same in return

Thank you for allowing that. Its very kind of you...

and I appreciate the same but never expect it. I expect people to be nice and smarmy and afraid of being honest.
I find it fun to challenge you and banter with you
I know.
It can be fun, but it can get old after awhile too. You like to go toe to toe. Its cute to me, but in a R its not going to get the response you want from your H. I will admit I pushed your buttons pretty hard so we could finally have this conversation. Im confidant from your response to my first post that you have what it takes to get on the right track.
Put the fun part of it back into the bantering with your H. Let up on some of the challenge part. He has proven himself pretty well. Monitor yourself as much as you monitor him.