Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

Blackfoot: Heather, if you can see your way clear to making the needed changes, it is going to take time to get something back from him. I know your LB is empty too.

If you cant, or wont. Move on.
Do what needs to be done. Or say you are unable, or its not worth it.
Your H is not a business problem. He cant be dealt with in the same way you are used to getting things done.

I'm still defining which things I will and will no longer do....this has been such a journey. It has taken me this long to start laying things on the line. To actually start taking some action. I will make some mistakes, pick some battles that I probably should not. I am learning.

Sheila: You've CLEARLY shown you're committed by staying with him through all of the abuse for two years, going to C and continuing to try no matter how punishing he's being. There is NO way to justify your H's behavior.

Thank you Sheila, for acknowledging the difficult aspects of going through this. I appreciate your point of view, as sometimes I find it hard to take this stance for myself because I feel like I'm making myself into a victim. Either that or a stupid, spineless girl who doesn't deserve respect because she hasn't yet figured out how to respect herself.

Sheila: Don't be ashamed to be a strong, vibrant, smart and loving woman.. ever. You shouldnt have to break your back or spirit to be loved, cherished and accepted by you mate.

Again, thank you for being here and taking the time to encourage me on this path.

Burgbud: So far the five months of no sex without kissing seems to be working marginally better than the previous nineteen months with sex on a regular basis. Why is that a false boundary? Heather has said that having sex without kissing followed by H leaving her in the guest bed to go sleep in the marital bed is emotionally painful to her. So she stopped doing it.

That is exactly right. I don't feel like it's false either. Eventually, H will have to change his behavior or I will have an even harder choice to make than choosing no sex for a while.

Chrome: I think her H wanting hot sex is actually more troubling in light of the fact that he doesn't want simple affection. There really should be atmosphere of basic affection in play BEFORE sexual activity occurs. Otherwise a prostitute-mark environment is created. Only by baby stepping her way back into a normal affectionate R can this be broken. Of course, that's JHMO.

I agree Chrome. There are probably some things I would like to rush because of what those 'things' represent. But, you can't get the benefits without the work can you? I guess I was trying to skip over the parts that it seems H will never agree to address if only we could get back to some realm of normalcy. It seems I'd take normalcy over intimacy, at least for now. But you're right, it's probably not the way to go. It would be more of the same in this R.

Sheila: Heather,
Here is the link to Dr. Harley's words on resentment after infidelity:

Thanks for posting that link. That is so what I've been trying to say to H, 'If you want a loving R with me, you cannot act like this'. It doesn't seem to work because he just comes back with 'I don't need a loving R with you, I'm fine with the way things are'. I'm not fine, but that doesn't seem to bother him.

MrsNop, I really, really appreciate your input. My response to your post will be a long one, so I will save it for next time.

Thanks to all.